Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category


One year ago

May 3, 2010

One year ago was one of the best days of my life so far. I still remember vividly the amazement and disbelief. Little did I know that the anxiety only would begin on getting a bfp. But we are now here so the rollercoaster was worth it.

I had the appointment with our RE and since me and dildocam haven’t been close for a while she did an u/s check on my ovaries. Turned out I had ovulated a little while ago and so dear AF visited me 10 days later for 9 DAYS. Biiatch! I wanted her to stay away longer as AF=endo growing back too. Someway I knew I’d be getting AF despite of breastfeeding. I admit, there was a small (crazy) spark of hope she wouldn’t arrive and I would be magically naturally pregnant again after one time of unprotected sex.. But no.

I guess I ovulated again last wednesday (kind of hard to ignore your body after numerous cycles of close surveillance) so at next CD1 I’ll start bcps once again to keep endo away.  This means breastfeeding will end in two weeks completely. It’s kind of sad since it has been one of the most intimate and close things I’ve shared with my son but he does appreciate the bottle much more than my milk machines and most times I try to breastfeed end up in him screaming his lungs off with anger.

We are thinking about cycling again next autumn since endo damage will be still low at that point and we’d love to have our children with a small age difference. Knowing our history it’s quite sure it’ll take some time for me to get preggo again although RE said she had a feeling I’m gonna be naturally preggo in no time…Hah!

S is almost 8kg already, he’s a happy, chatty, smiling and laughing baby and he loves his naps. I’ve got a lot of time for myself during the days as he sleeps happily 3 hours in a row, twice a day. Unfortunately he also likes to wake up at 5-6AM. And he wakes up several times during the nights so some days I’m tired as hell. He just learned how to grasp things with his hands and my hair is one of his favourite things to pull.


It’s been silent here…

March 22, 2010

Not that I would have been too busy, but I don’t really know what to write about. From my pov reading about other people’s babies is boooooring; they all eat, shit and sleep and every mother thinks their own baby is the most miraculous on earth (btw all other moms are wrong because OUR baby is the most perfect child on earth ;)!).

But I’ll share some things about our basic baby life anyway! S is a very happy baby most of the time, he chatters and smiles a lot and his smile could melt an iceberg. Last time at nurse’s office two weeks ago he weighed 6040g and measured 58,5cm already. Stomach problems are luckily over and he is sleeping sometimes even 6 hours in a row! Yay for that! Unfortunately his waking-up process starts around 4-5 AM; he is still asleep but very noisy and I’m trying desperately to get some sleep with earplugs on. The days of sleeping late are officially over; we get up around 7-7.30 every morning and in the evening he goes to bed around 8-9PM.

I’m still breastfeeding about 80% of the time and not feeling quilty about formula anymore. S eats about every 3 hours, this varies a lot. Some times it’s every 2 hours, some times (in the night) every 6 hours. We try to go out every day if the weather permits and walk about an hour, he always falls asleep on the stroller. At home he continues to nap for an hour or two. A couple of hours later I try to make him take his nap no.2 but this doesn’t always work. He loves to spend time on a blanket my mom has made and watch his toys and talk to them 🙂 He also likes to watch me cooking or baking; little one has inherited his parents love for food!

Most of the time we spend at home; I haven’t taken him to city center yet since moving around there and nursing etc. in public doesn’t seem too temptating. We’ve been to the local shopping center a few times for a short while but S gets easily upset if the stroller stops moving and it gets too warm for him inside.

I try to have some “freetime” every week just for myself as DH is strongly supporting it; a cup of coffee (or a cider!) with friends for example. I even started zumba-classes with my cousin to get back to shape :D! As much as I love my baby and being with him, I also need to get out of the house on my own in order to keep sane and I’m not ashamed to say it out loud. Next month I’ll start two online courses for my Master’s degree and I’m already excited about doing something with my brain after a while!

We are already started to dream about baby no. 2. Crazy. I made an appointment with our RE to talk about my endo; I alredy have had some intense ovarian pains and I’m pretty sure it’s that crap growing back even though AF hasn’t showed her ugly mug yet. One thing I’m really disappointed with our clinic is that they didn’t send any congratulations after S was born. All we got in the mail was a bill for preserving our 2 frozen embryos for a year!

The men of my life

My cousin has a workmate who has been going through if-treatments for a long while with no success. Recently they found out yet another transfer resulted in negative and my cousin asked me what could she say to her colleague to make her feel better. I pondered for a while and finally said that there really is nothing you can say in that situation, that would make it better. “It will happen some day” or “you are still young” sound so corny and awful. I think the best one can do is just to be there and show that you care.

Yet life CAN change. Misery can go away, but there are no definete promises it will happen.  Life is uncertain and you never know what you get. A little over one year ago I was in a million pieces and thought there was no hope for us, ever. And now we have this chubby little guy whose face I want to kiss again and again and I know how extremely lucky we are to have him.



February 15, 2010

The definition of sisu (according to wikipedia) is strength of will, determination, perseverance, and acting rationally in the face of adversity. The literal meaning is equivalent in English to “having guts”, and the word derives from sisus, which means something inner or interior. However sisu is defined by a long-term element in it; it is not momentary courage, but the ability to sustain an action against the odds. Deciding on a course of action and the sticking to that decision against repeated failures is sisu. Sisu has been described as being integral to understanding Finnish culture.

Sisu is also now officially the name of our son. Two other names come from DH’s family and he’s got my last name since it was very important for me that our family name continues.

When we started to think about names for the baby (long before I was even pregnant) it was very clear that we wanted our child to have a name that would mean something. We had other options before finally realizing (when I was already 7 months pregnant) that the best name to describe our little warrior would be Sisu. Against all odds the little man fought his way to our life.


1 month already

February 3, 2010

Both guys equally interested in toys

Baby is one month already and growing like crazy. He was already 4,1 kilos and 53,5cm before 3 weeks and now we have another appointment next Friday, I’m sure he’s reaching 5kg soon. Some clothes are already too small for him! He eats like crazy too and we’ve given him formula a few times when it has seemed my milk isn’t enough or when I’ve needed a few extra hours of sleep and DH has fed him (pumping is quite difficult for me). Everyone says he looks exactly like his father and looking at DH’s baby photos they could almost be twins.

We haven’t been sleeping much as the little guy eats every 1,5-2 hours at night too and likes to wake up at 5 AM to make noises. He also has had some gas problems and crying at night because of them. It’s not roses and sunshines every single minute (or even hour) espcecially when I can’t always tell why is he crying and don’t know how to soothe him. Motherhood unfortunately comes with quilt; introducing formula and pacifier to the baby and using disposable diapers are something an aware mother wouldn’t do. In Finland “natural” babycare with 6 months of full breastfeeding and washable diapers is glorified sometimes a little too much at the moment. I try to think that in a large scale those are little things and as long as the baby is healthy, fed and loved he is going to grow up “normal”.

Because we have had the coldest and snowiest winter in years we haven’t had many chances to go out with the baby as it’s not recommended if the temp is under -10C. We’ve had some -25 days here… Luckily now it seems to be getting a little warmer although we have piles of snow everywhere; pushing the troller in the snow drift can be compared to a good workout!

It’s still a little strange that this little human being, a person of his own, came out of us and is now a part of our family. I love looking at his face and seeing his eyes staring into mine.


About the birth and the baby

January 11, 2010

Labor was longer and more painful than I had thought but didn’t leave any traumas. I had the greatest midwife ever during the last 7 hours of the labor, a girl about my age with whom it was very easy to communicate.

To reduce the pain I tried out concentrated breathing, the shower, gym ball, an acupuncture procedure where sterile water is injected on specific points (hurts like hell for the first 15 seconds!) and DH was keeping a warmable bag on my back during contractions.

I had thought before hand I wouldn’t try out entonox since I’ve heard so much bad experiences but it turned out to be just my drug. At some point though none of these pain reducements were enough and I had been in labor for about 20 hours and was still only about 4cm dilated. The pain was too much and I requested for an epidural.  Despite the local anesthesia contractions were extremely painful and I hung to the entonox like my life was depending on it. The most beautiful words I’ve ever heard were midwife’s “you are finally fully dilated”. The pushing part took 45 minutes but it was really the easiest part of the whole experience. I chose the traditional position since I was too tired to try out any other and it was easy for me to find the right breathing (with entonox) and direction for the pushing.

We spent two nights at the hospital after our son was born and as he was doing very well we got to go home a day early. It was so scary and great at the same time to be home just the three of us.

Before he was born I had thought newborns to be the most fragile things in the whole world; how on earth could I handle one of them? Now that he’s 8 days old and we have managed to keep him alive and content I must say it hasn’t been as difficult as I thought beforehand.

He’s eating constantly, at least every two hours. And we are also changing his diapers at the same pace. He already reached his birth weight on Saturday which is very good; me and sis were poor eaters as babies (and beyond..) and it took us several weeks to get to that point.

DH has 3 weeks of faternity leave which is great; he cooks for us and holds the house together as well as changes diapers where as I concentrate on being a milk machine for the little one. We are having his christening next month, name was chosen already months ago. My sis and cousin are going to be godmothers and DH’s brother and goodson are the godfathers.

He is precious, he is a wonder and I still can’t comprehend all of this.


Bittersweet equilibrium

January 11, 2010

On the moment I saw my son’s eyes for the first time as he was lifted on my breast I thought about my granny and how similar their eyes were. Three nights after our son was born granny passed away at the age of 93.

I have a strong feeling in my heart that there was a reason why our son was born 10 days before his due date; so that granny could hear about his birth before her departure. Even though she was in very bad shape when my parents told her and not responding anymore, I want to believe she knew about him.

You are a flaming aurora borealis behind the mountains, a bright star on the northern sky. Have a safe trip home.

Graphic print I made out of an old photo of granny


Happy new year!

January 5, 2010


Our son was born on 3rd January at 3.33 after 24 hours of labor.

He’s weight on birth was 3125 g and height 49 cm.

The night was freezing cold, -25C but since he originated from freezer that was quite appropriate 🙂

The most absurd thing I’ve ever experienced in my life was when baby’s head was already out and rest of him inside me and he started to make sounds.

You know those documentaries about women getting boob jobs and the shootage right after the surgery? My boobs look just like those.

I’m a mom. Crazy.