Archive for the ‘ttc’ Category



September 20, 2010

Bfp. I just got a strong bfp at 12dpo. WTF? BFP? for free? Without any doctors, clinics, intervention? Seriously?

Of course we have been trying like crazy this month and I’ve been using OPKs and popping folic acid and omega-3:s to enhance our chances. But I seriously didn’t believe we could get preggo at home.

And of course it’s the most early of earliest and anything can happen but let me just vomit out of excitement 😀

DH doesn’t even know yet because he’s at the gym. Can’t wait to see his face.


TTC round 2

July 28, 2010

It’s so hot in here I would give my right arm for a normal Finnish summer. +30C (86F) the whole month is too much for us eskimos. People go crazy and drown in masses. Sure it’s nothing compared to Spain last summer. But enough is enough thank you very much. I’m not going outside anymore.

The first ttc#2 cycle is over. And guess what, I’m not pregnant. What a surprise!

This cycle was weird for many ways. CD1 started when I had forgotten to take one bcp and decided to throw the pack away even though I was on day 10 or something and hadn’t finished it yet. So I’m not even sure if I ovulated this month. Usually it’s really easy to pinpoint my ovulation even without OPKs; the pain is recognizable and sharp. Now I had a totally different kind of dull pain on several days so I have no clue whether I really ovulated or not.

And on top of that, AF totally caught me by surprise and arrived yesterday without any notice. Usually I know her coming a week beforehand from all lovely endo symptoms.

I have to admit that I am a little disappointed. Secretly I still wish for a magical natural pregnancy although I know that the odds are not on our side. A friend whose baby is now 8 months old got preggo right after starting ttc#2. I can’t even imagine how that must feel, to have your dreams fulfilled so easily.

I want to get preggo really badly. I want to be able to travel through that experience again. Unlike many other women, I enjoyed being pregnant a lot. I wasn’t too nauseous, too tired or too ill. I was thriving and loving my belly and kicking baby from the bottom of my heart. And of course the main reason is that we want to have a sibling for S. Another screaming, pooping and tantrum throwing lovely little monster that will drive us crazy.

I guess we’ll see for a couple of cycles if the natural miracle would fall on us. When If it doesn’t, we’ll move on to medicated IUI. And after that we have the chance for one FET. And after that it would be another fresh IVF cycle we honestly can’t afford since I spent all of granny’s inheritance on a new work computer.


I’m just going to blurt this out…

June 8, 2010

I posted this originally on May 23rd but wordpress somehow kept it unpublished.

I think I had a chemical.

I was waiting last week for AF to show for the second time after S’s birth so I could start bcps for endo.  She didn’t arrive on the day I was expecting her. There were some strange twinges in my uterus, my temps flew high (over 37c) and I had a feeling. So like any possessed poaser  I bought hpts. And got the faintest possible line, you know the kind you have to half imagine to see it. AF didn’t arrive on the next few days so of course I bought some more. And got again those imaginary lines on a few of them. My heart was racing like crazy. Could I be preggo? Omg are we going to have another baby and so soon?

Well I wasn’t preggo. Not for real anyway, AF showed up 5 days late and the hpts started to show nothing. But I believe I could have been pregnant for a second without any dildocams or hormones and that’s freaking amazing. Maybe I could get pregnant on my own. Or then again, maybe I was just imagining those ghost lines.

I started the bcps anyway. I know some might ask why not ttc right away? Because I don’t want to face any disappointments yet. I don’t want to start monitoring my body yet, counting the dpos, temping, hallusinating on symptoms, crying when AF arrives. TTC and relaxing don’t go hand in hand in my world. I start obsessing on the second I feel ovulation and can’t stop myself from checking all possible and impossible signs. So during this summer I’m going to enjoy my life and hope that endo stays under control. In the autumn we’ll hop on the ttc-train again but that will be another story.

I truly hope bcps will help with my endo. After S’s birth I’ve gotten now two periods and let me tell you, my left ovary has started a demonic life of its own. Feels like someone’s tied a knot there and keeps pulling it more tightly.

Along with the bcps breastfeeding is now totally over. I feel partly sad about this but try not to guilt myself too much. S has now started to taste some veggies and fruit; potatoes, carrots, bananas, plums and yesterday I treated him with strawberry. He’s such a big boy already. We watched a video footage from his first week and I had already forgotten that he was so tiny once.


I’ve found the middle-aged side of me

January 5, 2009

We bought nordic walking poles. That is like the most middle-aged sport you can do. Now we are only missing matching track suits. Ha.  So far we’ve gone walking three times (about 20km in total) and it feels really effective compared to “normal walking”. I can feel the jammed muscles on my shoulders starting to loosen up a little. What astonishes me is why my butt hurts so much from all this exercise? Am I using wrong muscles for walking or something?

We’ve had some beautiful winter days, the temp is around -10C to -15C and the sun is shining. Not much snow really but the ground is frosty. Seeing the sun makes me feel so much better; now that the days are growing longer again I feel there is some hope in the air and I just can’t wait for the spring and summer to arrive. I want to go orienteering again, I want to go to the beach, I want to wear all my cute summer clothes.

Today I took my old Pentax (it’s a SLR-camera from the 70s and really the best camera I’ve ever had) and headed to a place we went walking a few days ago. Last time I didn’t have a camera with me and the scenery was so beautiful I swore I’d have to come back. The sun was going down around 3PM and you could see the silhouttes of factories and buildings across the bay; a very graphic vision I’d love to reproduce with aquatint too. I spent almost two hours outside with my camera and ate the frozen christmas chocolates I had brought with me as my provision. I need to have moments like this; just me alone doing stuff I love.

Like last Friday, after slacking home for too many days I decided it was time to get out and put even some make-up on and left to the city when DH went to work. I had a date with myself 🙂 I went to see two art exhibitions, visited the library and visited a coffee house. First I went to see an art exhibition of he Finnish artist of the year Samuli Heimonen. I didn’t know a single thing about the artist or his works and I must admit I was a bit sceptic when going there; after all I usually hate most of modern art. But there was something hypnotic in his paintings and I liked his style a lot.

After the exhibition I hopped on the tram and went to the library. I love libraries; the endless amount of books is like a treasure chest full of opportunities. I love the smell of books, the quiet atmosphere, I love the weight of the books when I carry them home with me. Of course I ended up loaning a shitload of them, like these for example:





The last one is great. I don’t usually read any self-help books but this one seems like it was written just for me. I’m a constant worrier, have been since childhood. Seriously, I worry about everything, all the time. And basically the author is just trying to help you understand that there are no guarantees; anything can happen and you just have to live with that thought because you can’t control the universe.

Like there is a chance that our IVF cycle will fail. But there is also the chance it will succeed. And there’s no knowing beforehand how it’ll be, worrying and obsessing about it doesn’t make either option more likely. Of course my dear friend (or should I say my worst enemy, really) Mr. Google has already showed me the statistics for ivf-cycles in Finland. The success percent for a fresh cycle is around 30. So there is a good chance we will fall to the failure-category. But there is a better chance still for the success than with iuis. We already discussed what if this ivf will fail and decided we will take some time off from all this. No ttc, no doctors, no charting, no opks, no obsessing for a few months. We both feel we need a break from this if we will fail again. And our credit cards need one too.

Tomorrow is the last day of my holidays; I’m curious to go back to work and see how soon we’ll be resigned. And of course I haven’t figured out what I will do next. Hope for a jackpot in the lottery I guess. If it were possible I’d love to live on my artistic work; my aquatint & etchings, drawings and photography. Sadly, it doesn’t get bread on our table so I have just to figure out something else.


Another 2ww

November 10, 2008

It’s 3DPO, I’ll be starting the progesterone supplies this evening. So far I have the normal post ovulation sore nipples-symptom (which I’m glad is present this cycle because I think it means my hormones are working properly), I have ew cm which I don’t usually have post ovulation and then the usual mild cramps and back pains. And I have some hope!

Weekend was fun, the horror movie wasn’t that scary but more a dark drama. And quite ok, although I hate when a movie depicts old times (here 16th century) and the characters talk like these days… Brazilian restaurant was nice too, although the food wasn’t as good as the first time we visited it. Later we went to have drinks with a friend and his girlfriend who just happened to walk by the restaurant we were eating in. That never happens to us in Helsinki.

On Saturday morning we drove 2 hours to granny’s house, visited granny in the nursing home and did a few hours gardening work. My granny’s place has a huge garden but since no one lives there any more it’s becoming a jungle.  DH, my father and BIL built a fire of all the branches we’d cut down and made us a pit-roasted dinner under the fire. We stayed inside with mom and sis as it was raining and sooo cold. Went to sauna, had some red wine and talked.

Mom asked me directly where we are standing now with the ttc project and I told her we are doing IUI and if it’s not working we’ll proceed to IVF. It wasn’t so bad telling her after all. As I’ve mentioned before, there is a history of infertile women in my family. Two or three of my  granny’s (mother’s side) sisters had endo too and never had any babies. But I think the circumstances in the 1960’s where quite far from today’s and I’m confident modern medicine has improved a lot from those days and if IUI won’t work we’ll have better chances with IVF. And my sister wasn’t pregnant which was a huge relief to me. Yes I’m evil to think like this.

Today I’m having a day off from work, slept until 11AM and had breakfast while blogsurfing. Next I’ll switch my other computer on and start to finish our jewelry shop pages, I’m hoping we’ll launch them within a week or so.

I’m thinking about skipping kickboxing during this 2ww just in case. Because we do a lot of punching/kicking directly on the stomach so it probably isn’t a good thing regarding implantation/eps… Ok it might be overly cautious but still, I want to do everything I can to improve our chances. This morning I even skipped my usual coffee dosage!



October 24, 2008

For a second I thought we might have succeeded as AF didn’t show up yesterday. But I guess it was just her playing hide and seek with me because here she’s today, one day late. And I even poased this morning only to see NOTHING but the crimson red control line. Will I ever get to see even a shadow of that magical second line?  Sigh.

I have the appointment with RE next Wednesday and I have like a hundred questions to ask her. Like is my usual 12 LP long enough? Why do I get sore nipples every other cycle, not every cycle? What is this thing with the backache only 3 DPO? Does my body recognize already at 3DPO if the egg hasn’t fertilized? Is our problem  the fertilization or the implantation? Will I get some hormonal booster this cycle? Is IUI useless? Will we ever get a a baby?

I’m back at work and it’s a total chaos here. I will so deserve those ciders tonight!



October 17, 2008

Yesterday’s gig was GREAT! I think I’ve said these words before but it was one of the best shows I’ve witnessed in my whole life. The singer totally knew how to make a good show; making the audience scream and sing and sharing his Jack Daniels bottle with the listeners 🙂 And look at those sideburns! Thigh brushes they’d be called in Finnish :D! (it’s an old photo I found on the net) Me and guys had a blast! Today though everyone is hung over and we have an important customer meeting in an hour…

Concerning ttc; it’s CD21 7DPO/IUI. Back pain is fortunately absent today and yesterday too, but I have some familiar cramps and quite a lot ovarian pain on both sides. And my f#%king most annyoing endo symptom is back in it’s full glory; the symptoms of an urinal infection (without having an infection). It feels like pissing needles.

I was supposed to go out tonight with my cousin but her son fell ill so we’ll be having the ordinary Friday feast with DH instead. And tomorrow I’ll go rehearse my drumming after a long pause! On Sunday I’ll go with a highschool friend to sell some old stuff on a flea market, hopefully people want to buy all my junk fabulous stuff 🙂