Archive for the ‘icsi’ Category

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Tomorrow!

February 15, 2009

Tomorrow will be our next step on this crazy IVF-ride. My head is full of questions, expectations and worries. Will it hurt like hell? Will DH give a good sample? How many eggies will we get? How many will fertilize? Will we make it to the transfer? I’m really going crazy over this.

DH has had a terrible flu the whole weekend, I had some fluish symptoms too but luckily not anymore. I’m afraid that DH not being totally well will diminish our chances somehow. I promised not to count the odds but here I am again, pondering the procentual probability for succeeding.

Trigger shot was yesterday evening, I was so nervous my hands trembled while shooting it, if DH hadn’t been there to prepare the shot I sure as hell would have dropped all the drugs to the floor and messed the whole thing up. Just knowing that this shot can only be done in a certain strict time frame, otherwise the cycle will be screwed, was too much for me.

Now my belly is a bit swollen, moving is quite unpleasant and my nipples are still really sore. And abundant cm still present. To my biggest surprise I haven’t really had any mental side effects from the drugs; no mood swings, no crying seizures, nothing. Maybe a bit more emotional than usual, yes, but nothing worth mentioning.

So, tomorrow we’ll wake up at 6AM, drive to the clinic in morning traffic jam for 30 minutes and DH is scheduled to give his sample at 7.30. I will give a blood sample and the transfer will be at 9AM. Then an hour or so resting and we’ll meet with RE who’ll tell us the results so far. Let them be good ones. We will also decide then whether it’ll be ivf or icsi.

The spring sun is here and like every year, it is making me very restless and hopeful. The massive amount of light after a gloomy, long winter always drives me wild. For me spring has always been about new chances, high hopes and new possibilities. I can’t really describe the feeling I get when seeing the spring sun, it radiates a special light that makes me feel much more alive. Of course it’s not really spring yet with all the snow and colness, but the sun is like a promise of the forthcoming summer. My most favourite part of spring is late April and I know nothing more beautiful than maple flowers before they start to turn into leaves.

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ER getting closer…

February 13, 2009

Final u/s was this morning, there are now 17 follies measuring 16-17mm. Retrieval is scheduled on Monday at 9AM and I’ll do the Pregnyl shot at 8PM on Saturday. I’m sure I will mess it somehow with the two little ampules and two needles and the strict time limit.. Fuuuuuuuck! First when I saw the mixing needle I thought it was the one I would have to stab myself with… DH was presrcribed a heavy dose of antibiotics for Sunday morning. Transfer (please please let us make it that far!) will be on Thursday.

And of course I’m totally scared about the retrieval. RE keeps saying there’s no need and it won’t hurt a bit but I’ve read so many horror stories (thanks again, dr. Google!) so I know it can be living hell. At the moment I have a heavy feeling on my ovaries, not too bad so I can still move quite normally. My nipples became really sore yesterday and I’m producing ridiculous amounts of ewcm (I’m sure you all were dying to know this).

I had a meeting with a possible freelancer employer yesterday at a company where one of my ex-colleagues transfered to. I really hope they will have work for me in the future, the place was nice and everyone seemed relaxed and easy to get along with. Plus the work would be interesting and I would already know how to do it.

After the meeting I had to visit the unemployement office, which is really just a time-consuming act of pointless bureocracy. I spent one hour waiting to see the the officer (even visited post office while in queu) for five minutes, she just wrote a few sentences on the database and now I “officially have a plan for employment”. GREAT. What that actually means is that I will be allowed to get a bigger unemployement benefit. Which I will have to wait for at least one month for since I can’t even apply for it yet because I haven’t been unemployed for two weeks. Gotta love this red-tapism.

Our work project with DH went well, no fights on the professional points of view 🙂 Our employers loved my animations and we will continue the project on February 23rd.  Great to have something to take my mind of the (possible) 2ww.

This afternoon I’m meeting a friend who just moved to Helsinki, tomorrow cousin and her son will come to visit us and rest of the weekend will be spent relaxing and obsessing trying not to obsess about next week. Thank you all for your supportive comments, I promise to keep you updated 🙂

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15!

February 9, 2009

We’ve got 15 follies measuring 8-10 mm according to this morning’s dildocam operation. Lining was 6,2. I’m really really pleased that things have gone so well so far. I just hope they will proceed this way! I’ll continue with the same dosage (150 ius of Gonal-f daily and one dosage of nasal spray every 12 hours) since I’m responding well. Next u/s is on Friday and ER probably already on next Monday! Yaikes! And if we make it to the transfer, it’ll be on Thursday. I am SO fucking scared. Please please please let this work.

I’ve start to feel my ovaries too, not really painful yet but a little uncomfortable. I guess on Monday I’ll be ready to burst.

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Baseline completed!

February 3, 2009

We had the baseline u/s this morning. I was a bit anxious before it because I’ve been feeling some twinges on both ovaries so I thought I might not be supressed enough. Luckily that wasn’t the case, lining was thin and the follies (4 on right side, 5-6 on left side) small as they should be. First step completed! Yay! We are proceeding on schedule 🙂

After we saw RE we met with the nurse and she taught us how to stick the Gonal-F. I was scared as hell to stab myself with the needle because I’ve never done it before and asked if it’s possible to hit your organs..LOL. It actually didn’t hurt at all! The dosage was 225 today and it’ll be 150 every day until next Monday when we have our next appointment and u/s. I will be decreasing the nasal spray to only one sniff every 12 hours instead of the two sniffs I’ve had so far. I had a really bad headache last week from the spray but thank god it’s gone now.

I asked if there will be any blood tests (since I’ve read from my many if-blogger friends’ posts that they’re having those) but RE said no. Only if there’s something suspicious to be seen on the u/s they’ll draw blood.

I had my last day at the office yesterday. Hooray! Now I’m officially unemployed/freelancer. I bought a computer and the software from my workplace and actually already made my first freelancer project (cd covers) 🙂 Next week me and DH are hired to do one 3 day project together, him editing the videos and me doing the graphics.. It’ll be interesting!

I’m so glad there’s all this new exciting stuff going on, so I can’t focus too much on the ivf and ponder how it’s going to be and will we ever succeed or not. I have a strong feeling that our main problem has been the fertilization because I’ve always gotten bad endo symptoms already on 2-3 dpo, so if we’ll get even one embie aboard we will be quite hopeful.

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Ivf cycle officially started!

January 28, 2009

AF is here, so it’s the official CD1 of my ivf/icsi-cycle!

Holy shit, we are actually, really doing this! Next week I’ll start poking the needles. Nasal spray will continue along with the gonal-fs until  trigger shot.

I’m scared as hell.

But a little bit excited too.

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Ivf-consultation

January 14, 2009

We had FINALLY the appointment with our RE to discuss the IVF. She described the treatment step by step (of course I already knew most of it, thanks to the internets) and made a schedule for us. We’ll be doing probably ICSI on some of the eggs because of DH’s high antibody levels. He’ll also have to take antibiotics to get those levels down before giving his sample. I’ll be starting the suppression already on next Tuesday.

I know I should be thrilled and excited about this new opportunity and better chances but actually, at the moment, all I feel is numb and a little sad that we’ve had to come this far. Having had my hopes crushed so many times already I can’t see how this time would be any different. I’ve even tried stupid visualizations of me getting the two lines and I’ve repeated to myself over and over again “this will work, we will have a baby”. But let’s face it, there’s a good chance this will fail too. I feel I want to have the whole IVF-thing over and done with so I can concentrate on something else, I’m so tired of all this ttc-business.  Ok there’s a small person inside of me that is a little excited about the possibility to have a baby this way. I only wish that she grew bigger and louder.

The schedule goes like this:

  • 20th January (CD21): Start suppression with nasal spray (Synarela) twice a day. I’ve gotten the picture that you guys overseas do the suppression with bcps, I don’t know why we are using the spray here because it costs a zillion euros.
  • 30th January: AF
  • 3rd February first u/s, start Gonal-F injections
  • 9th February second u/s
  • 13th February third u/s
  • on the following week retrieval and transfer
  • 3 days off from work
  • HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE  tww that will inevitably drive me crazy. Could I have a lobotomy for this time?
  • End of February/beginning of March: test, The happiest day or the most crushing disappointment of my life so far

I already visited the pharmacy to get the nasal spray. It cost fucking 175 euros. The Gonal-F’s will cost over 300 euros one supply and I’ll need three. We are so going bankrupt over this. I feel I’m in a limbo of uncertainty at the moment; I can’t focus on getting a new job before I’ll know how this IVF-business will go. I have no fucking idea what will my life be like after two months.I still have my current job but maybe only for a few weeks, nobody seems to know for sure. If the IVF fails I’ll be crushed and forced to come up with a brilliant idea for my future, if it succeeds there’s quite a small chance to get a new job; a pregnant woman isn’t exactly the dream employee for most of the companies. Ok actually if ivf succeeds that’s all that matters.

Is this really my life? Can I have a refund or trade this to something else? I’m not happy with what I got here.