Archive for the ‘fet’ Category

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Constant hangover

May 26, 2009

That’s how I feel these days. Nausea (no throwing up yet), dizziness, constant hunger and headache accompany me throughout the days but I’m not complaining, having symptoms make me feel more trusty that there is someone actually on board. I’m about 6w5days and I’m going to call our local midwife today to make my first appointment for the maternity counseling. I told my sister on the phone last weekend and to my big surprise mom hadn’t blurted the news out to her yet. Sis started to cry but I hope it was happy tears, at least it felt like it and she told me how amazing this is and that she’s really really happy.

Still I know that if this pregnancy continues normally (and I surely hope it will!) and I get to have that big belly in the end I will surely cause bad feelings for someone. Because I felt so devastated seeing  those bellies around me during this struggle and thinking that they must have gotten knocked up at their first try. And I know there are a lot of us out there who struggle to get pregnant, face the disappointments month by month, swallow our tears and bite our lip watching others build their families. I still can’t understand totally that I’m pregnant after all the desperation I felt this spring. And I’m still really scared that something bad can happen.

Tomorrow is the entrance exam for the Master’s programme I applied to. I have no idea how the test is going to be like so I can’t really stress about it in advance. Also tomorrow evening I’m picking up our good friend H from the airport, she is coming back to Finland after spending over a year around Africa, can’t wait to see her!

Summer is here, everything is green and it’s +20C! I hope this summer we’ll have LOTS of sunshine and only a few gray, rainy days. But knowing the capriciousness of Finnish summer, we’ll surely get bucketloads of water.

They are fixing the plumbing of our building for a few days and we have to go to bathroom outside, like the bathrooms you have in rockfestivals. AWESOME. And can’t use water either.

Btw non-alcoholic red wine tastes like shit. Don’t bother. Non alcoholic cider on the other hand was good, almost like the real stuff.

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Never-ending rollercoaster ride

May 22, 2009

I had terrible, terrible continous cramps from Wednesday afternoon all the way to the following night. Felt really like AF showing up any minute and had to even leave my Russian class in advance because I was so devastated about how I was feeling and couldn’t concentrate on anything. Symptoms have disappeared completely and I don’t feel preggo at all + I had some light brownish discharge and I know these put together isn’t very promising.

I just couldn’t bear the anxiety anymore and phoned the clinic this morning (yesterday was a public holiday) and requested an u/s. My own RE was super busy so they arranged me to see another doctor. My heart rate was maybe a million when she inserted the dildocam.

There was the gestational sac. The tiny fetus.
And the tiniest flickering heartbeat.

I can’t describe the relief I felt. I was so SURE that it was all over since the pain had been so intense and the symptoms had vanished.

Now I’m going to ban any googling/ttc boards from myself during the rest of my pregnancy. I’m not gonna think about the odds, I’m not going to compare how my fetus measures to others, I’m not gonna stress about my low beta levels or the lack of symptoms.

The fact is I AM pregnant right now whether I feel it or not. And for fuck’s sake I think I’ve earned the right to be happy about it even for a second and put the stressing aside. I am 6 weeks (+ maybe some days) pregnant today and I’m gonna enjoy now every second of this.

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Anxiety

May 20, 2009

I’m really really scared that we are going to lose this baby. Since Monday I’ve been cramping a lot and my symptoms have been gradually vanishing to zero. I know neither of those is a good sign. I don’t feel preggo at all at this moment, I only feel pretty much like before AF.

I almost called RE for a new u/s for Friday but in the end, what good would it do. There’s no way they could prevent an early miscarriage if it’s about to happen. I just hope it won’t.

I always thought that if I’d ever would get pregnant that would be it, no more worries and we would end up with a healthy baby. Now I know that the true anxiety only begins with the BFP; the nervousness waiting for beta numbers, u/s visuals and watching your symptoms come and go. And nothing is for sure.

Please, baby stay with us.
I so want this to work.

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Could it be…

May 18, 2009

…that we are actually going to be parents after all? We saw our little grain of rice in the u/s today! No heartbeat was visible yet but apparently it’s still very early for that, since the fetus was measuring only 2.7mm. There’s no way of knowing how this is going to end but at this moment I AM ACTUALLY PREGNANT!!!

RE suspected that either the implantation has happened later than usual or then I’ve gotten preggo the normal way during this cycle. Ha-ha, that would be so ironic but somehow  a bit too amazing to believe. After paying the amount of money of few paradise island holidays for treatments without success I don’t believe in the chance of natural conception on our part anymore.

But who cares how she/he was conceived. The important thing is that’s there’s someone hanging in my uterus at the moment and we feel blessed about that. Next u/s is on Thursday 28th and then we are hoping to see the heartbeat too.

I am so happy. Thank you everyone who have been there for support.

And now I’m gonna post this under “pregnancy” for the first time in my life 😀

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And continues…

May 12, 2009

I called RE today and she told me to come in for u/s on Monday and continue taking Prednisone and progesterone. She said that the figure is still low but on Monday we’ll know more and no additional betas are needed before that. HOW IN EARTH WILL I SURVIVE UNTIL MONDAY?!!!

Luckily I have much to do this week to keep me away from the evil internets. I started the Russian course yesterday and WOOah what a language; they have 7 different phonemes for the letter s (all written differentely of course). My brains are melting. Yesterday and this evening is only about the alphabet (those strange Greek looking characters) and on Wednesday we’ll start the actual course. Many words are loans from English and Finnish has loaned again from Russian so that makes learning a bit easier.

On Saturday we’ll have a 90’s theme party :D! Of course beforehand I had planned to drink all the nostalgic yucky sweet booze brands I used to enjoy (in excess) in my teens but  I guess that’s now out of the question. And how in hell me not drinking is going to go unnoticed (this is Finland and it’s compulsory to drink)? I guess I’ll just have to tell everyone where we stand now even though the future of this still remains very uncertain and I’d like to save the news for later. I’m probably not going to believe I’m pregnant before going in for labor. I wish we get so far. I wish so many things. Like a heartbeat on Monday for starters.

I booked the flights for Spain on 30th June to 7th July. According to the internets Andalucia looks just perfect!

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Suspense continues…

May 11, 2009

My beta #2 was 418 this morning (19dpt). That’s a decent doubling time, but still a low figure. The nurse didn’t know what we should do and told me to call RE tomorrow. She did say this could be a normal pregnancy and the embryo has just implanted a little late. I’m on pins and needles. Am I preggo for real or not?!!!

My symptoms say yes; the nausea has crept back and my breasts started to hurt on Saturday. I also fell asleep on the couch just before making the call for the results even though I was scared and anxious out of my mind and I’ve woken up at 6AM for most mornings since Thursday. Also the hpts I’ve been obsessively poasing on started to get darker around Thursday.

Please, let us have a happy ending.

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Some sunshine in the middle of this shit

May 8, 2009

I’m almost 100% sure this was a chemical, I’ve been cramping a lot and have very minimal symptoms otherwise. No spotting or bleeding though. I keep getting a faint line on the hpts but I know you can get it long after the embryo has stopped living. I haven’t given up all hope that a miracle would happen and the numbers would be magical on Monday, but I know the minimal odds for that.

But something else miraculous happened! I got a call a minute ago from a strange number. Of course my first thought was “fuck those telemarketers”, but it wasn’t someone trying to sell a gossip magazine this time. It was from the Finnish airlines, Finnair. On the day of the embryo transfer as I walked to the subway through mall I stopped and filled out a coupon for a travel tickets lottery. Now they called and said I’ve won flights to Andalucia, Spain, for 2 persons!!! I’m so freaking happy!!! Because of our financial situation there was not going to be any trips for us this summer. But now we get to travel! YAY! I don’t speak a word of Spanish but I’m sure we’ll manage 🙂 Sunshine, here I come!