Archive for the ‘envy’ Category


April 26, 2009

Remember how I told you about the friend couple who were on ttc for baby #2? Well, she’s now pregnant of course.

Fuck this, I’m so tired of the unfairness of this shit.

Obviously, I have no hope left since my symptoms are all the same as last time. Me getting pregnant? What a joke.


2 more hours

April 22, 2009

..until FET. I’m surprised how calm I’ve been feeling about this. I know there’s a big chance that none of the embryos will survive the thawing, and yet I’m hoping even to get two of them transfered today. Keep your fingers crossed we get someone on board!

A friend of mine is afraid she’s pregnant after dating the guy for only a couple of months and now having all the possible pregnancy symptoms. It’s funny how there are two sides to this coin, others of us trying to push the mountains to get preggo, others having sleepless nights dreading thought of a positive tests. Hell, I was even scared shitless when doing a test back in 2004 and was so happy for the negative result. Ha! Like there’s a chance I would get pregnant the normal way! Of course, with the sense of humor the universe has to offer; my friend will be preggo and I won’t. I also discovered that another friend couple (who already have a 2 year old) are on ttc again. Soon I’ll have to bite my teeth and pretend a smile for them too when they’ll announce their happy news. Yes I am bitter and jealous because there are people who can actually breed without the invasion of dildocam, petri dish and cathetre.

Last weekend at Tammisaari was great. It’s a very picturesque and romantic town, I’d love to live in a place like that! I think we are going to start a tradition of going to that cottage every year, since this was already our second visit. We did a little geocaching, had sparkling wine  and dined in an Italian restaurant. Too bad that they only had the menu in Swedish (they have a Swedish speaking majority in most of the coast towns) and me and DH both suck in that language. But we managed to get something to eat 🙂

the cottage

the cottage

me in the park

me in the park

the town

the town

a small alley

a small alley

DH found the cache under the pier

DH found the cache under the pier

Breakfast, including my lovely Prednisone dosage

Breakfast, including my lovely Prednisone dosage

View from the window

View from the window

As you can see from what we are wearing (me in my eskimo-jacket), it is still very cold here. Like +3C. And it’s almost May! I want to have proper, warm spring and an even warmer summer! I want to wear all my nice spring shoes, dresses and jackets! Especially the red beauties I posted before.

On the work frontier it’s very quiet, too quiet actually. I hope projects will emerge soon. Luckily I have a booking for 3 days next month, but that doesn’t cover everything I need money for.

I started the orienteering season on Monday! It was great, although I didn’t run almost at all because I was feeling a bit fluish and didn’t want to risk anything. But I found all spots and even managed to get to the starting point on my own by car (a major thing for me). On the way home I had to go to the supermarket for grocery shopping, and there  I was in my track suit, like any horrible suburbian creature I swore I’d never become 😀

Yaikes, soon I’ll have to go, I’ll post more later!



November 5, 2008

I was going to title this post “there is no justice in  this world” but since Obama won the US election that isn’t completely true…

But here’s the story: DH has a friend whom I also know shallowly. She’s got a 1,5 years old daughter who was conceived when the girl “forgot” to mention to her boyfriend she’d quit the pill. They had been going out for 1-2 months at that time. Well, they aren’t together with baby’s father anymore but she has boyfriend #3 or #4 after their break-up (with whom she’s been like 3 months now). Yesterday she posted a picture of a positive HPT at her facebook page. I don’t know if this time it was the same story with “forgetting” the pill or was it just a pure accident. And needless to say, she isn’t exactly the mother of the year-material, but is constantly away from her firstborn child. Anyway, it’s SO FUCKING UNFAIR.

I guess if I’d get on the pill again and then behind DH’s back would “forget” to take it we’d succeed too. Worth a try :P?

No positive OPK so far, I got a lot of ovarian pain on the left side but it’s difficult to distinguish whether it’s endo- or ovulation-related. I just hope this won’t be an extralong cycle because I’ll lose my nerves if I’ll have to pee on those fucking sticks for 2 weeks in a row just waiting for the positive result.



July 23, 2008

Yesterday while surfing the net I came across the endo-diet.

“In general, there are a number of foods that women with endometriosis are advised to avoid.

  • Caffeine (i.e. coffee, tea)
  • Alcohol
  • Chocolate
  • Saturated fats
  • Butter and margarine
  • Drinks and foods with a high sugar content
  • Refined carbohydrates (i.e. pasta, bread, cakes, pastries)
  • Fried food”
  • And that list sums pretty much everything I enjoy. I need my coffee fix every morning and preferably in the afternoon too or else I get headaches and cannot function properly. I love apple cider, red wine and whiskey with coke. Not in excess (well sometimes that too, must admit) but I love them. I’m a notoriusly heavy user of chocolate. I eat candy almost every day. Cakes, pastries, white bread, yummm…
    And now I should cut all the good stuff off.

    Seeing this list made quite miserable. I’ve always been quite skinny (172cm/56kg) so I haven’t really had to pay any attention to what I’m eating. It’s not that I’d consume deep-fried Mars-bars for breakfast every morning, but I enjoy having delicacies quite often. You could say I have a huge sweet tooth. I don’t eat much junk food like burgers or fries, we usually cook wok or salad, fish or chicken during the week and then maybe something heavier in the weekend. Of course I knew before that excess alcohol, sugar and caffeine are bad for you in general, but seeing that they also make endometriosis symptoms worse was quite a bummer. And all my comfort foods are on the list 😦

    Already before seeing the list I had made the decision to cut off excess sugar and candies. But as my friend said, I destroy my mental health if I stress too much about what I’m eating and try to give up all the goodies at once, so now I’m trying just to decrease them in my diet. Only one cup of coffee in the morning, not so much chocolate (sigh) and less drinks and a lot of veggies and fruits.

    Tonight we’re going to see the Dark Knight in a guest screening, my expectations are high because I’ve only heard praising so far. And afterwards we are invited to a party with free drinks. Maybe just ONE cider this time.


    Choosing clinics and ranting

    July 14, 2008

    It was quite an overstatment to say I would google “all” the private fertility clinics in Helsinki. There are like 4 of them. And of course all are closed during this month for the holidays, so more waiting ahead, looks like it’ll be at least one natural cycle before treatments after all.

    We narrowed our options to two of them. I don’t know which one we will choose, other is more expensive but there we wouldn’t have to wait so much. IVF costs around 1900 euros (2950$) in the first and 1500 euros (2330$) in the other clinic. The prices are the ones we pay after government’s part has been reduced so the real prices are almost 1000 euros higher. The government pays a part of infertility treatment for couples with woman under 40 in Finland. Both clinics seem professional and have had good feedback in the discussion boards I’ve been reading. 400 euros is a lot of money for us but of course I want to have the best possible treatment and results. Why do I need to ponder these things? Why I can’t just get pregnant like a normal woman?

    I visited a friend and her 5 months old son yesterday. Seeing babies doesn’t really hurt me so much, as seeing pregnant women does. My friend told me about a friend of hers who got pregnant after like one month of trying and who is now totally sick of motherhood and lets her mother-in-law take care of the baby and still complains how difficult and demanding it is and gave up nursing after one month so she wouldn’t be so attached to the baby and could have more social life. Now the baby is 3 months old and she got herself a workplace for the summer so that she wouldn’t be so isolated from her social circles. Seriously, why people like this deserve to get pregnant, why??

    Yesterday afternoon while driving home I said to my husband that this month was better, only one hormonal desperation-crying-seizure before the menses. Of course in the evening I got hit by one gigantic burst of those.


    Holiday pictures and bad dreams

    July 11, 2008

    More pics from our holiday can be found on Flickr. I want to go back. At work there’s nothing to do and everyone else is leaving on holiday. I have 2 days off next week because of my little sister’s wedding, I’m her maid of honour. In Finland there’s not usually an army of bridesmaids as in the US, but only one or two maids of honour. I found a beautiful mermaid-styled fuxia red dress from the sales for the occasion, it’s made of silk and the colour is awesome.

    Yesterday my parents were visiting us. I know that my infertility is a huge disappointment for them also, and that makes it feel even more bitter and sad. They have been asking and hoping for grandchildren for some 4 years now, but stopped the asking when I told about my laparoscopy and endometriosis. I think my news scared the shit out of them. I would want my future children to get to know their grandparents and have them around in their lives as long as possible. My other grandfather died when I was 6, other was an alcoholist who remained distant until his death at 2001. My mother’s twin sister was never able to conceive, as weren’t two of my granny’s sisters either and mom suspected that granny’s sisters had endo, as they had had some surgery done in their youth. Although I don’t know how long has laparoscopy/laparotomy been available for endo. It’s fucked that the disease has been known from the 19th century and still doctors haven’t been able to find out how it really works and how it could be cured. If it was men who suffer from this, there would have been a cure a hundred years ago, I’m sure.

    A while ago I had a dream, where my sister (she’s 1,5 years younger than me and as mentioned above, getting married in a week) announced me that she was pregnant after 1 month of trying. In the dream I totally flipped and screamed and cried how unfair it was. I really hope I can manage my feelings if/when she announces those news and not become some bitter psycho-bitch. Of course I want her to be able to have babies but as everyone suffering from this shit knows, it’s sometimes just too much to asked to be happy for other’s luck. My granny asked me and my sister a couple of months ago when will we have babies. Ok, she’s old and not totally well anymore but still it was difficult to hold my tears. My sister said then that I will have mine before hers.

    We went to a Russian restaurant with my folks, I love russian food and the cosy, decorative 19th century atmosphere that is lacking from Finnish restaurants. I ate and drank so much I thought I was going to explode. A nice evening anyway and today I’m gonna have some russian sparkling wine in the evening and head to the city and party. The cramps are BAD and I know there’s no need to do any HPT.


    Everybody else is pregnant but me

    April 29, 2008

    …That is the feeling one gets often when trying to conceive for months without results. It seems that every movie star, reality-tv starlet and pop singer in the gossip section photos bask with their round bellies under designer dresses or with their newborn mini-mes on their arms. At this time like 80% of Finnish female rock artists are pregnant or have just delivered a baby. Are celebrities more fertile than ordinary people? And all those 40-something actresses getting their fist babies, are they really just lucky to get pregnant at such high age or does medicine have to do something with it? Why doesn’t anyone of those mothers utter the letters IVF aloud?

    And it’s not just the people you see on the tv and read about in magazines and internet; when you are desperately trying to get pregnant it seems that every other woman crossing your way is pregnant. And you hate each one of them for being so lucky. At least I do.

    Sometimes I start to wonder if it’s just a cosmic conspiracy or joke on my behalf. How is it possible, that just at the time when I’m agonizing about my up-coming laparoscopy and possibilities for parenthood afterwards, there are 4 (YES FOUR) pregnant women at my aerobics class? Before I wanted to get pregnant, there was never any pregnant ladies present. And I hate the way they rub their bellies and want to show off their pregnancy, everyone to marvel their blossoming bodies and motherhood. It really makes me sick sometimes. If I ever get pregnant I promise not to rub anyone’s nose in it.

    My laparoscopy is in two weeks. I had my pre-operation appointment with the gynecologist. Actually two of them, first one being a gentle-handed woman, latter a man with obviously the thought in his head that women’s insides are made of iron and you can handle them as roughly as you please. A big ouch. I got my very sexy stockings to put on in the morning of the surgery and met the physiotherapist who showed how to get out of bed after the operation and how to breathe in a bottle to ease the shoulder pain. I haven’t really thought that I would be in a bad shape after the operation because I’ll only get 5-7 days of sick leave. Now after reading yet more horror stories in the ever wonderful internet I’ve learned that yes you can get really, really sick after it and may require even a month to recover.

    My godson’s christening is 4 days after my surgery and on the same night I’m supposed to attend a wedding party. We’ll see.