Archive for the ‘books’ Category

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I’ve found the middle-aged side of me

January 5, 2009

We bought nordic walking poles. That is like the most middle-aged sport you can do. Now we are only missing matching track suits. Ha.  So far we’ve gone walking three times (about 20km in total) and it feels really effective compared to “normal walking”. I can feel the jammed muscles on my shoulders starting to loosen up a little. What astonishes me is why my butt hurts so much from all this exercise? Am I using wrong muscles for walking or something?

We’ve had some beautiful winter days, the temp is around -10C to -15C and the sun is shining. Not much snow really but the ground is frosty. Seeing the sun makes me feel so much better; now that the days are growing longer again I feel there is some hope in the air and I just can’t wait for the spring and summer to arrive. I want to go orienteering again, I want to go to the beach, I want to wear all my cute summer clothes.

Today I took my old Pentax (it’s a SLR-camera from the 70s and really the best camera I’ve ever had) and headed to a place we went walking a few days ago. Last time I didn’t have a camera with me and the scenery was so beautiful I swore I’d have to come back. The sun was going down around 3PM and you could see the silhouttes of factories and buildings across the bay; a very graphic vision I’d love to reproduce with aquatint too. I spent almost two hours outside with my camera and ate the frozen christmas chocolates I had brought with me as my provision. I need to have moments like this; just me alone doing stuff I love.

Like last Friday, after slacking home for too many days I decided it was time to get out and put even some make-up on and left to the city when DH went to work. I had a date with myself 🙂 I went to see two art exhibitions, visited the library and visited a coffee house. First I went to see an art exhibition of he Finnish artist of the year Samuli Heimonen. I didn’t know a single thing about the artist or his works and I must admit I was a bit sceptic when going there; after all I usually hate most of modern art. But there was something hypnotic in his paintings and I liked his style a lot.

After the exhibition I hopped on the tram and went to the library. I love libraries; the endless amount of books is like a treasure chest full of opportunities. I love the smell of books, the quiet atmosphere, I love the weight of the books when I carry them home with me. Of course I ended up loaning a shitload of them, like these for example:

devil

call

northriyadh

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The last one is great. I don’t usually read any self-help books but this one seems like it was written just for me. I’m a constant worrier, have been since childhood. Seriously, I worry about everything, all the time. And basically the author is just trying to help you understand that there are no guarantees; anything can happen and you just have to live with that thought because you can’t control the universe.

Like there is a chance that our IVF cycle will fail. But there is also the chance it will succeed. And there’s no knowing beforehand how it’ll be, worrying and obsessing about it doesn’t make either option more likely. Of course my dear friend (or should I say my worst enemy, really) Mr. Google has already showed me the statistics for ivf-cycles in Finland. The success percent for a fresh cycle is around 30. So there is a good chance we will fall to the failure-category. But there is a better chance still for the success than with iuis. We already discussed what if this ivf will fail and decided we will take some time off from all this. No ttc, no doctors, no charting, no opks, no obsessing for a few months. We both feel we need a break from this if we will fail again. And our credit cards need one too.

Tomorrow is the last day of my holidays; I’m curious to go back to work and see how soon we’ll be resigned. And of course I haven’t figured out what I will do next. Hope for a jackpot in the lottery I guess. If it were possible I’d love to live on my artistic work; my aquatint & etchings, drawings and photography. Sadly, it doesn’t get bread on our table so I have just to figure out something else.

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