Archive for the ‘bfn’ Category

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I’m just going to blurt this out…

June 8, 2010

I posted this originally on May 23rd but wordpress somehow kept it unpublished.

I think I had a chemical.

I was waiting last week for AF to show for the second time after S’s birth so I could start bcps for endo.  She didn’t arrive on the day I was expecting her. There were some strange twinges in my uterus, my temps flew high (over 37c) and I had a feeling. So like any possessed poaser  I bought hpts. And got the faintest possible line, you know the kind you have to half imagine to see it. AF didn’t arrive on the next few days so of course I bought some more. And got again those imaginary lines on a few of them. My heart was racing like crazy. Could I be preggo? Omg are we going to have another baby and so soon?

Well I wasn’t preggo. Not for real anyway, AF showed up 5 days late and the hpts started to show nothing. But I believe I could have been pregnant for a second without any dildocams or hormones and that’s freaking amazing. Maybe I could get pregnant on my own. Or then again, maybe I was just imagining those ghost lines.

I started the bcps anyway. I know some might ask why not ttc right away? Because I don’t want to face any disappointments yet. I don’t want to start monitoring my body yet, counting the dpos, temping, hallusinating on symptoms, crying when AF arrives. TTC and relaxing don’t go hand in hand in my world. I start obsessing on the second I feel ovulation and can’t stop myself from checking all possible and impossible signs. So during this summer I’m going to enjoy my life and hope that endo stays under control. In the autumn we’ll hop on the ttc-train again but that will be another story.

I truly hope bcps will help with my endo. After S’s birth I’ve gotten now two periods and let me tell you, my left ovary has started a demonic life of its own. Feels like someone’s tied a knot there and keeps pulling it more tightly.

Along with the bcps breastfeeding is now totally over. I feel partly sad about this but try not to guilt myself too much. S has now started to taste some veggies and fruit; potatoes, carrots, bananas, plums and yesterday I treated him with strawberry. He’s such a big boy already. We watched a video footage from his first week and I had already forgotten that he was so tiny once.

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Note to self

March 2, 2009

Next cycle, NONE of the following will be counted as a pregnancy symptoms as far as my body is concerned:

  • fatigue
  • chillyness, fluish feeling
  • dizziness
  • runny/stuffed nose
  • ovarian twinges/pains
  • cramps
  • back pain (wasn’t this obvious already!)
  • weepyness
  • burning cheeks

Today has been horrible. DH has to work until 10.30PM so I’ve been home alone feeling miserable and crying my eyes off. I should have gone to the supermarket but I just couldn’t. So no dinner for me.

I honestly thought there was a chance. Hearing the nurse’s words “sorry but the result is negative” totally crushed my world. Of course I knew that all the pms-symptoms and disappearing hcg trigger-symptoms I was having were not a good sign. Still I secretly hoped that this time would be different. That this time I could phone DH and tell he was going to be a father. The days 1-6 after transfer I was certain that there was someone inside of me. After that the symptoms changed/disappeared and all I felt was AF coming.

We’ll be moving on to FET asap. We have already an appointment for ivf follow-up on 18th March but I’m hoping to get it scheduled earlier. If the FET(s) fail too then what? Lose my mind?

Also, next cycle I ban myself any googling and ttc-boards. I admit I caused too much stress on myself this cycle with obsessing on everything. A cramp is a cramp is a cramp.

This is shit what we are going through. Nobody deserves to be infertile. Nobody should have to go through these disappointments after another. I feel broken. But in midst of all this hell I am still grateful for my husband and my friends (in real life and in the blog-life) and all the support they are giving me.

I am down and beaten now, but I won’t be like this forever.

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BFN, what else is new?

November 18, 2008

I poased this morning (on 11DPIUI) and OF COURSE it was BFN. I wish I could have even a little spark of excitement in me when I’m doing those tests. Every time I expect to see nothing more than the one line.

So I’ll go kickboxing this afternoon.

6 days of progesterone supplies, then moving on to IUI#4 which will no doubt be a failure as well.

I try to concentrate on our business at the moment, it’s really making me happy. I’ll go to sis for the weekend to discuss our new orders 🙂

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CD1

October 24, 2008

For a second I thought we might have succeeded as AF didn’t show up yesterday. But I guess it was just her playing hide and seek with me because here she’s today, one day late. And I even poased this morning only to see NOTHING but the crimson red control line. Will I ever get to see even a shadow of that magical second line?  Sigh.

I have the appointment with RE next Wednesday and I have like a hundred questions to ask her. Like is my usual 12 LP long enough? Why do I get sore nipples every other cycle, not every cycle? What is this thing with the backache only 3 DPO? Does my body recognize already at 3DPO if the egg hasn’t fertilized? Is our problem  the fertilization or the implantation? Will I get some hormonal booster this cycle? Is IUI useless? Will we ever get a a baby?

I’m back at work and it’s a total chaos here. I will so deserve those ciders tonight!

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BFN

October 21, 2008

Surprise surprise. Hah. Expecting AF tomorrow, all the symptoms tell she’s coming. Well I didn’t expect this cycle to be a success anyway. Hopefully DH has better targeting skills next time 🙂

I made an appointment with RE for next week to discuss our next IUI and ask all the questions I have so far. Like could we try some hormonal boost next time. Had a horrible dream last night where our doctor was clueless with how to help us 😦 Deep inside I know we are going to have to do the whole IVF procedure. And I’m scared shitless about it. Not because of all the needles and hormones but because of the fact it is the most effective treatment and what if  even it doesn’t work?

I’m having also sore throat, running nose and general fluish feeling so I’ll have to skip kickboxing this evening. I guess I’ll leave earlier from work too if I’m not starting to feel better.

My parents are coming tomorrow for a visit and we’ll discuss my plans to start my own freelancer graphic design company on the side of my current work :)! I’m also planning to start selling my graphic prints at Etsy! I really need the extra cash at the point, I’ve used all of my visa’s credit limit and my current salary is so lousy.