Archive for June, 2010

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bcps, why do you hate me?

June 28, 2010

From the moment we met after my 16th birthday me and bcps used to be best of friends. No endo pain (though I didn’t even know I had endo back then), no acne, no mood swings. Everything was just peachy between us two.

Now after last AF (or chemical pg?) I wanted to refresh our friendship again to keep endo away. But obviously bcps hold a grudge against me for ditching her and getting preggo because I ended up bleeding for 5 WEEKS IN A ROW, my face exploded and I was feeling like shit. Must say that’s one hell of an effective contraceptive since who wants to have sex when AF is visiting permanently and you are constantly snapping on DH?

I popped the first round of pills (while enjoying AF for the whole fucking month) and started the second one. Bleeding stopped finally. Then 10 days after I forgot to take one pill (nothing to get excited about) and 2 days later I’m BLEEDING AGAIN. During the 10 years I was on bcps there were many times I forgot to take one pill and this never happened. Obviously, bcps and I aren’t friends anymore. So I threw them away. And guess we are now on the ttc-train again. As scary as it is, yet strangely exciting at the same time.

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I’m just going to blurt this out…

June 8, 2010

I posted this originally on May 23rd but wordpress somehow kept it unpublished.

I think I had a chemical.

I was waiting last week for AF to show for the second time after S’s birth so I could start bcps for endo.¬† She didn’t arrive on the day I was expecting her. There were some strange twinges in my uterus, my temps flew high (over 37c) and I had a feeling. So like any possessed poaser¬† I bought hpts. And got the faintest possible line, you know the kind you have to half imagine to see it. AF didn’t arrive on the next few days so of course I bought some more. And got again those imaginary lines on a few of them. My heart was racing like crazy. Could I be preggo? Omg are we going to have another baby and so soon?

Well I wasn’t preggo. Not for real anyway, AF showed up 5 days late and the hpts started to show nothing. But I believe I could have been pregnant for a second without any dildocams or hormones and that’s freaking amazing. Maybe I could get pregnant on my own. Or then again, maybe I was just imagining those ghost lines.

I started the bcps anyway. I know some might ask why not ttc right away? Because I don’t want to face any disappointments yet. I don’t want to start monitoring my body yet, counting the dpos, temping, hallusinating on symptoms, crying when AF arrives. TTC and relaxing don’t go hand in hand in my world. I start obsessing on the second I feel ovulation and can’t stop myself from checking all possible and impossible signs. So during this summer I’m going to enjoy my life and hope that endo stays under control. In the autumn we’ll hop on the ttc-train again but that will be another story.

I truly hope bcps will help with my endo. After S’s birth I’ve gotten now two periods and let me tell you, my left ovary has started a demonic life of its own. Feels like someone’s tied a knot there and keeps pulling it more tightly.

Along with the bcps breastfeeding is now totally over. I feel partly sad about this but try not to guilt myself too much. S has now started to taste some veggies and fruit; potatoes, carrots, bananas, plums and yesterday I treated him with strawberry. He’s such a big boy already. We watched a video footage from his first week and I had already forgotten that he was so tiny once.