On the rollercoaster

May 2, 2009

Last week was horrible. Just plain awful. I was feeling like shit, crying all the time and feeling very crampy & bloated, my 2 most reliable af-symptoms. DH was working away from home and I had no work to do, so I basically just sat in front of the computer feeling miserable over yet another failure. There were honestly moments I thought I’m gonna lose my mind over this. I decided I can’t continue just staying at home, I need to have something to do. So out of the blue I applied for a school that’s starting next autumn 😀 It’s a Master’s programme about user-friendly interfaces in webshops etc, so perfect combined with our business. Which, btw, takes a new step on Monday as we are moving on to a more organized webshop platform. Go check it out (on Monday) at http://www.koruharakka.com

We celebrated the first of May festivites very peacefully this year, no parties or boozing since DH had to work and I didn’t want to go on my own and I’ve always hated crowded Helsinki center. I made mead (basically sugar, raisins and lemons brewed together), which is a traditionall 1st of the May drink in Finland, ate frankfurters (the official 1st of the May food) and visited my cousin who just moved near to us with her family. Yesterday morning we went geocaching with no luck, and I was again feeling awful and miserable.

I had bought some HPTs even though I knew the result beforehand, but I thought where’s the fun in all this if I can’t even poas at the end of the cycle! So I did poas this morning (10dp 3dt) just to get it out of my system. I didn’t even bother to look at the test, but just as I was ready to toss it in the trash can something caught my eye.

It looked different.

Like there was an extra line.

But sure as hell that can’t be.

The test must be broken somehow.

There’s no way I could be preggo.

I have no eps symptoms.

I feel JUST like AF-coming. Endo cramps, back pain, all that shit.

This has to be some kind of a joke the universe is including me in.

Who has peed on my stick?!!


I woke DH up, my hands and voice trembiling, and he saw the + sign too. I waited 3 more hours and did another. It looked the same. I made DH go to the pharmacy and buy me 2 more, and I’m gonna test tomorrow morning again.

It’s not sinking in. I can’t fathom this. On Monday I’ll have my beta but until then I’m not believing it to be true.

My cousin and her son came over this morning like we had made plans before. When she entered our appartment I said I have something to show her and held the HPT so she could see it. We were both crying as we hugged each other.

No gongratulations yet, please, it’s way too early. After failed cycles and lost hopes I just can’t start to celebrate yet.

But I can’t believe we actually got this far.

I honestly thought I’d never see a BFP in my life.


  1. Okay, I know you said no congratulations. But, I’ll have hope for you even if you can’t! I can’t wait to hear about your beta results. WOW

  2. I’ve been following your blog for awhile. I totally understand your reluctance to accept congratulations at this point, but I just wanted to say that my fingers are crossed for you.

  3. I’m so freaking happy right now.

    That rocks.

    I’ll be watching.


  4. {fingers crossed!}

  5. Hope today’s was even darker.



  6. I poased on 2 different brand tests this morning (not as sensitive as Clearblue I used yesterday); got two lines on both of them but they were still quite faint.. This suspense is killing me! I will tell you the beta results tomorrow. And thanks for all support 🙂

  7. Cant wait to hear the beta results!!!! GOOD LUCK!!! fingers crossed!!!

  8. Oh my goodness! I know that feeling of disbelief all too well! I cannot wait to hear the official results. I’m so so so happy for you! Literally crying tears of joy!

  9. […] another WordPress.com weblog « Posters One year ago May 3, 2010 One year ago was one of the best days of my life so far. I still remember vividly the amazement and disbelief. Little did I know that the anxiety only […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: