More bad ideas for the infertile:

March 13, 2009

Organize a meeting with your client right after seeing your RE to discuss your fucked up IVF cycle and disfunctioning body. It sure is fun to try look normal just after crying in the car because world just is not a fair place to live in!

I thought I was ok with the ivf-failure ok but obviously I’m not. Seeing RE brought my emotions to the surface for some reason. Maybe it was because I kept thinking that this appointment could have been for the first u/s. I had to fight my tears through the whole 45 minutes we sat there and of course she saw that I was a mess and suggested counseling. I’m thinking about it. If only it rained 100 euros bills so I could afford it.

There was no explanation why the ivf didn’t succeed. I responded perfectly to the stims, all of the eggies fertilized which was suberb, and over half of the embryos were good quality and worth transfering. Bad luck said RE. How can we possibly have so much bad luck? Every single fucking time. Obviously there was a problem with implantation. So now we are running blood test worth at least 500 euros to check all my antidote levels. I’m just confused why they didn’t run these test earlier? Are we just a cow who milks money to them?

The nurse took 5 tubes of my blood and we’ll get the results in 3-4 weeks. That might mean no FET in April, depending on my cycle.We are going to do a medicated FET with low stimming with Gonal-F.  And I thought the needle-fun was over already. If our embies would be so lucky to survive the thawing both of them (they are frozen in two pairs), we are going to transfer both of them. In a way I’m hoping that the blood tests will reveal some kind of a problem that will give us an explanation. The kind of a problem that could be medicated and treated and we would finally succeed.

And what really got me upset was RE’s remark that if these FET’s fail so that we get to transfer but they won’t implant I probably have to get a lap again. I was so devastetad to hear this. Another surgery. Fuck me and my miserable piece of shit body. Fuck you endometriosis for ruining my life.

I had to take three buses to get home from my meeting, trying to fight my tears all the way because I can’t stand crying in public. Of course at home I bursted the second I shut the door behind me. And of course today I have a shitload of work to do for my customers. GREAT. Ok, it’s great that I have customers and work to do but just not today. I also managed to spill my coffee on my computer table.

DH sent me the sweetest sms in the middle of my despair: “We will always be together. I will be there to support you, and that is why I want to take part in all these appointments. What bugs me the most in this is all the heavy treatments you have to go through, because I only want what is best for you. In my eyes you are really brave and I admire you so much for that! And remember that I’ll always be proud of you and the happiest man alive whether we’ll get kids or not. In the end you are the most important thing in this world for me”. I love him so much.

My sister is coming here for the weekend, we’ll go to flea markets together and make plans for our jewelry company. Lately we’ve gotten a lot of free advertisement in Finnish fashion blogs and a lot of new customers too. Great to get her here and my mind off the if-shit.

And the person who left a comment that I shouldn’t be drinking because it’s “bad karma” and that she is against ivf, please do not comment ever again.



  1. Man, I can’t believe someone fucking said that to you here. ARGH. I’d be furious. What a crock of shit. If you read this whoever you are, you fucking SUCK. Leave Emily alone you ass.

    Now, where was I?

    I’m sorry that you had such a rotten day, complete with the bus ride from hell. (((hug))) Nothing I can say, we all know the fun of RE’s and ivf cycles. I will just really, really hope that your bloods come back ok, and that you do NOT need another Lap.

    And your dh is so very sweet. How did we get so lucky to find these wonderful men?

    Have a fantastic weekend. 😀


  2. OMG what kind of pig leaves a comment like that?

    I hope they figure out what went wrong for you, and that your next cycle works. Did they have you on progesterone supplements after the transfer? It could be as easy as that.

  3. That is an amazing note that your husband left you. Don’t pay any attention to ignorant commenters, there are plenty of us here that support you in every way. Take care!

  4. Read your blog today. I am so sorry, for what you are going through. I am going through all this crap too…and endo has ruined my f** life too. I was furious when I read someone’s comment…we all know who. If I wasn’t a Christian, I would have a lot more to say about that..but any how…I am going through ivf getting the butt shots, have had every procedure this crap hole body can take..and nothing…I hope you know reading your feelings are an encouragement to me. Thank you, I know I am not alone. Try being a therapist…and needing therapy…you’re screwed whether you can afford it or not! Wish you the best.


    • Thanks Leesha! I wish you the best too. Endo sucks so much.

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