Note to self

March 2, 2009

Next cycle, NONE of the following will be counted as a pregnancy symptoms as far as my body is concerned:

  • fatigue
  • chillyness, fluish feeling
  • dizziness
  • runny/stuffed nose
  • ovarian twinges/pains
  • cramps
  • back pain (wasn’t this obvious already!)
  • weepyness
  • burning cheeks

Today has been horrible. DH has to work until 10.30PM so I’ve been home alone feeling miserable and crying my eyes off. I should have gone to the supermarket but I just couldn’t. So no dinner for me.

I honestly thought there was a chance. Hearing the nurse’s words “sorry but the result is negative” totally crushed my world. Of course I knew that all the pms-symptoms and disappearing hcg trigger-symptoms I was having were not a good sign. Still I secretly hoped that this time would be different. That this time I could phone DH and tell he was going to be a father. The days 1-6 after transfer I was certain that there was someone inside of me. After that the symptoms changed/disappeared and all I felt was AF coming.

We’ll be moving on to FET asap. We have already an appointment for ivf follow-up on 18th March but I’m hoping to get it scheduled earlier. If the FET(s) fail too then what? Lose my mind?

Also, next cycle I ban myself any googling and ttc-boards. I admit I caused too much stress on myself this cycle with obsessing on everything. A cramp is a cramp is a cramp.

This is shit what we are going through. Nobody deserves to be infertile. Nobody should have to go through these disappointments after another. I feel broken. But in midst of all this hell I am still grateful for my husband and my friends (in real life and in the blog-life) and all the support they are giving me.

I am down and beaten now, but I won’t be like this forever.



  1. You’re right, no one deserves to be infertile. I’m so sorry you’re going through this…

  2. (((((hug)))))

  3. First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!


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