Archive for March, 2009


7 things… and some more

March 31, 2009

Dagny tagged me so here it goes:

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 things that people may not know about you.
3. Tag 7 people to share 7 things and link to them.
4. Let them know they have been tagged.

1) When traveling abroad, people always guess I’m Russian/Slavic because of how I look. To my knowledge, there’s no Russian blood in my family but who knows if I’d be related to the czars for that matter since my grandma was adopted and my other grandfather’s father remains a mystery!

2) I have four tattoos: an eye on my neck, a scarb next to my left thumb and two tribals on my back I have drawn myself

3) I used to drive sidecar motocross with my father when I was a teen.

4) I’m superstitious and believe in horoscopes and tarot cards.

5) I have orange belt in karate 😀

6) I usually get along better with guys than girls

7) I play lottery almost every week

Since many of my blog-world friends have been tagged already, I’m not going to tag anyone particularly but you’re welcomed to do this too if you are reading 🙂

And to now to my (boring) life… Let’s see, nothing much than work happening here. The spring sun is incredibly bright and temptating but I have to sit inside the whole day. boo…

TTC-wise this cycle was a break for us (ok, I confess poasing on an OPK once because DH asked and what do you know, it was positive right that moment) and I’m expecting AF today or tomorrow. Endo-wise this has been a really easy cycle; I had my first cramps since O on Sunday so that meant a WEEK without cramping. WOHOO! Back pain was there of course already from the O.

We are still waiting for the blood test results, I’m going to call on Friday but I guess it’ll be too early. I asked my RE about the fact that there are infertile women in my family and whether you can inherit infertility. She said that there is a possibility that infertility transmits in the chromosome level and we can discuss this issue next time we see her. I know already what the chromosome shit means; more blood tests and probably PGD with our next IVF if they find anything wrong on that side. I have no idea how much PGD even costs here, probably a zillion with our luck.

On Sunday when driving home from my uncle’s birthday party we discussed adoption again with DH. The lines for domestic adoption are 3-5 years. The good side: it doesn’t cost anything and you can adopt a 2 months old baby. International adoption costs around 11 ooo euros and the children who are adopted are usually 2-5 years old. But it would be faster. Russian adoption is a bit challenging since they only adopt internationally children with special needs and many mothers of these children have been drinking throughout the pregnancy. I don’t know would that be too much to handle since we don’t have any experience of raising any children so far.

All in all, I’m more and more convinced that if all other means fail, we want to adopt. We want to have a family with DH and if that can’t happen biologically then we’ll do it differently. I guess it was seeing the advertisement of Finnish Unicef that made me realize it; the campaign is called “be a mother for a moment” and it raises funds to all abandoned children over the world. The text naturally made me cry:” Motherhood isn’t about biology. It’s a state of mind; the willingness to take care and raise a small person”. This is so true.

My uncle’s party was great; I love seeing my aunts and uncles and cousins and partying with them. It was only when we left to the bar on downtown when the evening started to go wrong because my BIL was acting like a complete jerk towards my sister. It made me so mad. But me and sis had great time as you can see 😀



Travel fever

March 19, 2009

I’ve got it really bad… I want to go everywhere. I’m even having actual dreams of Norway, Iceland and Russia.

And now I’ve actually started to plan a trip to Eastern Europe by train for next autumn. First we would take cheap flights somewhere there and then buy a train pass for a few weeks. I’m thinking Czech, Croatia, Slovenia, Slovakia.. Possibly Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania. I so want to go. I want to carry the weight of a packback, fall asleep in a train, watch the sceneries and countries change, visit new towns, meet new people…

If the FETs will fail I will go and persuade DH to go with me. Fuck I’ll sell a kidney if I have to. If we can’t get a baby I will need to do this or I’ll fall to pieces. And if the FETs will fail I’ll have go to queu for the surgery for 6 months anyway so what else would I do waiting for my next IVF than travel? OK there’s a slight chance that the FET could succeed. Needless to say, that would put my travel fever away for some time.


Cat pictures and random stuff

March 18, 2009

I went to kickboxing yesterday after a break of almost 2 months. Even though I tried to take it easy I was still almost fainting just after the warm-up. But it was still so much fun and I was in such a bliss afterwards. I keep forgetting how much I need to exercise and go outside, not just sit in front of my computer every day. Which I’ve been doing a LOT, but not only facebooking and surfing this time. I have an incredible amount of work to do and more keeps rolling in. It feels strange, people calling ME if I could do a project for them 🙂 But I’m really happy for this development!

Last weekend with sis was great, we got a lot of jewelry business done and now there are new really cute earrings on the site, like these foxes and matryoschkas:





And some pics of our cats (3 of them) and my sister:

My sister crafting jewelry and the cats taking part

My sister crafting jewelry and the cats taking part

Little ones with grandpa

Little ones with grandpa

Kössi giving a hug to my sister

Kössi giving a hug to my sister

We visited two flea markets and some antique/glass shops.  We both found amazingly beautiful beach dresses from Thailand from different markets 🙂 Mine is red with blue and white flowers, the on sis got was turqoise with pink and white flowers. With a petticoat it’ll be just perfect 50’s style party dress that I’m going to wear to my uncle’s birthday party in a week. All the family is gathering there and though it’ll be so much fun to see all them I’m scared of all the baby-questions. I hope mom has already informed everyone about our struggles.

Speaking of which, still have to wait at least 2 weeks for the blood test results before anything happens. They are making like 20-30 different tests for rare antibody/blood flow problems. No ttc on this cycle, I’m so sick of peeing on any sticks at the moment. And obviously a natural miracle is out of the question for us. We did have progesterone with the ivf cycle and 2 iui cycles before it so that’s not the resolution. RE talked about putting me on cortisone if there would be an issue with the antibodies.

I’m planning to go to summer school and take Russian for beginners, since I would love to travel there more and their culture interestes me a lot.  And because in the back of my mind I keep thinking we might adopt some day and Russia might be an alternative. I’m also eligible for a grant for a summer graphic class since I’ve already studied 2 years at the folk institute. So I guess it’s going to be a busy summer!

Next Saturday DH’s band has their first gig, he’s been so excited about it for like 2 months already 🙂 I can’t wait, especially since my cousin is coming too (her boyfriend plays the bass in the same band) and we get to party together since ages.

Now I’ve spent already too much time here, got to get back to my work!


More bad ideas for the infertile:

March 13, 2009

Organize a meeting with your client right after seeing your RE to discuss your fucked up IVF cycle and disfunctioning body. It sure is fun to try look normal just after crying in the car because world just is not a fair place to live in!

I thought I was ok with the ivf-failure ok but obviously I’m not. Seeing RE brought my emotions to the surface for some reason. Maybe it was because I kept thinking that this appointment could have been for the first u/s. I had to fight my tears through the whole 45 minutes we sat there and of course she saw that I was a mess and suggested counseling. I’m thinking about it. If only it rained 100 euros bills so I could afford it.

There was no explanation why the ivf didn’t succeed. I responded perfectly to the stims, all of the eggies fertilized which was suberb, and over half of the embryos were good quality and worth transfering. Bad luck said RE. How can we possibly have so much bad luck? Every single fucking time. Obviously there was a problem with implantation. So now we are running blood test worth at least 500 euros to check all my antidote levels. I’m just confused why they didn’t run these test earlier? Are we just a cow who milks money to them?

The nurse took 5 tubes of my blood and we’ll get the results in 3-4 weeks. That might mean no FET in April, depending on my cycle.We are going to do a medicated FET with low stimming with Gonal-F.  And I thought the needle-fun was over already. If our embies would be so lucky to survive the thawing both of them (they are frozen in two pairs), we are going to transfer both of them. In a way I’m hoping that the blood tests will reveal some kind of a problem that will give us an explanation. The kind of a problem that could be medicated and treated and we would finally succeed.

And what really got me upset was RE’s remark that if these FET’s fail so that we get to transfer but they won’t implant I probably have to get a lap again. I was so devastetad to hear this. Another surgery. Fuck me and my miserable piece of shit body. Fuck you endometriosis for ruining my life.

I had to take three buses to get home from my meeting, trying to fight my tears all the way because I can’t stand crying in public. Of course at home I bursted the second I shut the door behind me. And of course today I have a shitload of work to do for my customers. GREAT. Ok, it’s great that I have customers and work to do but just not today. I also managed to spill my coffee on my computer table.

DH sent me the sweetest sms in the middle of my despair: “We will always be together. I will be there to support you, and that is why I want to take part in all these appointments. What bugs me the most in this is all the heavy treatments you have to go through, because I only want what is best for you. In my eyes you are really brave and I admire you so much for that! And remember that I’ll always be proud of you and the happiest man alive whether we’ll get kids or not. In the end you are the most important thing in this world for me”. I love him so much.

My sister is coming here for the weekend, we’ll go to flea markets together and make plans for our jewelry company. Lately we’ve gotten a lot of free advertisement in Finnish fashion blogs and a lot of new customers too. Great to get her here and my mind off the if-shit.

And the person who left a comment that I shouldn’t be drinking because it’s “bad karma” and that she is against ivf, please do not comment ever again.


Can dreams come true?

March 7, 2009

Last night I dreamed about giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was very peaceful and quiet in my arms and looked me into eyes with such wisdom in her gaze.  I felt the deepest sense of connection. In the dream I realized that it was just a dream and I would wake up without a baby, yet I felt calm and so sure that I will meet this baby again. I know this sounds like  really wacked-up New Age shit but I kind of felt it could have been my future baby coming to assure me that she will be here some day.

Failing in IVF#1 has put the smaller things in perspective. One of my worst nightmares became true and yet life keeps on going. Failing in smaller things doesn’t seem so scary anymore when I managed to  pull myself through this sea of disappointment alive.  Like yesterday I had a meeting with a new client and had to present her with my price offer and ideas for graphic works. Earlier I would have been freaked out with a situation  like this. I’m very shy around new people and all this freelancer-work is a totally new universe for me. But I wasn’t scared at all. I felt relaxed and fine. Because it wasn’t such a big deal after all. And she didn’t argue with the prices at all, liked my ideas and everything went smoothly.

We are starting a new hobby. It’s called geocaching. The point is to find caches people have hidden with your gps-device. There are caches everywhere; all around the world, in forests, in the middle of city centers. I love orienteering so this is just perfect for me! We already tried it out last weekend but weren’t so succesful, there’s too much snow on the ground at the moment and most of the caches are hidden under it. But this is definetely what I’ll occupy myself with during the next 2ww!



March 3, 2009

I got some therapy in the form of shopping.. Lame I know but it made me feel a little better; bought two nice dresses for the summer with a really big discount; originally 90 euros in total; now together 20 euros. And some sexy panties too 😉 In the weekend we are going to meet some friends in Pori and the plan is to GET WASTED AS HELL. Because I had no drinks in January and hardly any in February either and now after this shit happened I’ve truly deserved to put myself in a temporarily coma. I also heard some really good news; Nick Cave is coming to play in a rockfestival (at Seinäjoki, Dagny!) in June. I so have to go there!

I managed to reschedule the ivf follow-up for next week. It’s Friday the 13th. How fitting. I hope RE has some answers why this didn’t work out. Is there something really messed up in my uterus because the embie didn’t stick? Is endo to blame?  Will we ever get a baby? If both our embies would survive the thawing we are going to request to transfer them both although here they prefer SET. But I know it’s unlikely they’d both make it; we get to be happy if we can transfer even one.

My parents promised to pay for the FET(s) so I feel really lucky. It’s “only” 700 euros but at the moment a huge amount of money for us.

I’m still feeling down, but better than yesterday. You can truly see from my face that I spent the whole evening yesterday crying. I have some strange, slashing pains in my stomach which don’t resemble AF at all. I guess that too is a side effect from quitting the progesterone supplies. I am sad and disappointed; why did this have to happen to us? Why couldn’t we succeed? All the effort and money and then once again; nothing. I so wished I could have posted a proud beta number here. Will I ever get to be a mother?


Note to self

March 2, 2009

Next cycle, NONE of the following will be counted as a pregnancy symptoms as far as my body is concerned:

  • fatigue
  • chillyness, fluish feeling
  • dizziness
  • runny/stuffed nose
  • ovarian twinges/pains
  • cramps
  • back pain (wasn’t this obvious already!)
  • weepyness
  • burning cheeks

Today has been horrible. DH has to work until 10.30PM so I’ve been home alone feeling miserable and crying my eyes off. I should have gone to the supermarket but I just couldn’t. So no dinner for me.

I honestly thought there was a chance. Hearing the nurse’s words “sorry but the result is negative” totally crushed my world. Of course I knew that all the pms-symptoms and disappearing hcg trigger-symptoms I was having were not a good sign. Still I secretly hoped that this time would be different. That this time I could phone DH and tell he was going to be a father. The days 1-6 after transfer I was certain that there was someone inside of me. After that the symptoms changed/disappeared and all I felt was AF coming.

We’ll be moving on to FET asap. We have already an appointment for ivf follow-up on 18th March but I’m hoping to get it scheduled earlier. If the FET(s) fail too then what? Lose my mind?

Also, next cycle I ban myself any googling and ttc-boards. I admit I caused too much stress on myself this cycle with obsessing on everything. A cramp is a cramp is a cramp.

This is shit what we are going through. Nobody deserves to be infertile. Nobody should have to go through these disappointments after another. I feel broken. But in midst of all this hell I am still grateful for my husband and my friends (in real life and in the blog-life) and all the support they are giving me.

I am down and beaten now, but I won’t be like this forever.