January 14, 2009

We had FINALLY the appointment with our RE to discuss the IVF. She described the treatment step by step (of course I already knew most of it, thanks to the internets) and made a schedule for us. We’ll be doing probably ICSI on some of the eggs because of DH’s high antibody levels. He’ll also have to take antibiotics to get those levels down before giving his sample. I’ll be starting the suppression already on next Tuesday.

I know I should be thrilled and excited about this new opportunity and better chances but actually, at the moment, all I feel is numb and a little sad that we’ve had to come this far. Having had my hopes crushed so many times already I can’t see how this time would be any different. I’ve even tried stupid visualizations of me getting the two lines and I’ve repeated to myself over and over again “this will work, we will have a baby”. But let’s face it, there’s a good chance this will fail too. I feel I want to have the whole IVF-thing over and done with so I can concentrate on something else, I’m so tired of all this ttc-business.  Ok there’s a small person inside of me that is a little excited about the possibility to have a baby this way. I only wish that she grew bigger and louder.

The schedule goes like this:

  • 20th January (CD21): Start suppression with nasal spray (Synarela) twice a day. I’ve gotten the picture that you guys overseas do the suppression with bcps, I don’t know why we are using the spray here because it costs a zillion euros.
  • 30th January: AF
  • 3rd February first u/s, start Gonal-F injections
  • 9th February second u/s
  • 13th February third u/s
  • on the following week retrieval and transfer
  • 3 days off from work
  • HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE  tww that will inevitably drive me crazy. Could I have a lobotomy for this time?
  • End of February/beginning of March: test, The happiest day or the most crushing disappointment of my life so far

I already visited the pharmacy to get the nasal spray. It cost fucking 175 euros. The Gonal-F’s will cost over 300 euros one supply and I’ll need three. We are so going bankrupt over this. I feel I’m in a limbo of uncertainty at the moment; I can’t focus on getting a new job before I’ll know how this IVF-business will go. I have no fucking idea what will my life be like after two months.I still have my current job but maybe only for a few weeks, nobody seems to know for sure. If the IVF fails I’ll be crushed and forced to come up with a brilliant idea for my future, if it succeeds there’s quite a small chance to get a new job; a pregnant woman isn’t exactly the dream employee for most of the companies. Ok actually if ivf succeeds that’s all that matters.

Is this really my life? Can I have a refund or trade this to something else? I’m not happy with what I got here.



  1. EVen if you’re not excited, I’m excited for you! I have every hope in the world for you that this will work for you. I wish you were here in the US, because I have several courses of Follistim in my refrigerator waiting for a good home.

    I’m so excited! I have everything crossed for you!

  2. Oh, how I know that feeling. I’m so sorry (((hug)))

    But I have a good feeling about this for you, so hopefully all goes well and you will be preggo in no time.


  3. Wow, that’s pretty cool that you get to start so quickly! I have high hopes for you. IUI works for some people, but all in all I think it’s fairly ineffective for most actual infertile couples. IVF with ICSI is exactly what you need–it will boost the effectiveness of your DH’s little guys. (I hope I’m remembering correctly that his sperm counts were fairly low). Good, good luck!!!

    • DH has high antibody levels but the sperm count is normal; the one time with low count was only a targeting problem 😀

  4. i know how you feel.. it all seems so ridiculous, how can other people get pregnant so easily!??! but hey, you never know, we could end up pregnant together..

    • I sure hope we both get preggo :)!

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