December 30, 2008

It’s different this time. So much heavier on my heart. The kind of shit that makes you wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why is this all happening to us. Something I can’t just shrug off and say “this was just rehearsal; we’ll make it next time”. That mantra has kind of lost its power already.

Because this time I actually let myself believe for a second I might be pregnant. It was around 7dpo and I had funny small cramps I secretly wished were implantation. I actually visualized a small fetus inside my womb (yes I know that at that time it wouldn’t even look like a fetus!), how stupid of me.

We have the money for one round of IVF. If that fails, we’ll either have to go on the line for public hospital (the line is about 6 months and the quality of the treatment isn’t equal to our clinic), borrow again some more money from my parents or then just give up.

I’m so afraid that we will never succeed. Where can I find the courage for this?



  1. Emily I’m so sorry. Words can’t express how pained I am to hear this.

  2. i’m so very sorry. sending tons of hugs.

  3. I’m so sorry hun. 😦

    This truly sucks ass.


  4. Emily, I’m here thousands of miles away weeping for you. It’s so very unfair for anyone to have to go through any of this torture.

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