Ten years ago…

December 11, 2008
The suffering young artist

The suffering young artist

Ten years ago I wanted to become an artist; either painter or a photographer. I was sure I would become something big.  I was also sure I would never want to become a mother or a wife, I was a strict feminist after all. I had dated a same guy for two years and would break up with him one and half years later, only to get back together after a year for two more years and get my heart beaten and broken really badly. I was the valedictorian of my class. I loved everything dark and gothic and was full of angst (could you believe from the pic!). But still underneath I was so full of hope and courage for the future.

Now ten years later, I’m neither painter nor photographer. I don’t consider myself an artist. I don’t have children but I’m married to the guy whom I met after my messy break-up from the high school sweetheart. I have no idea what so ever what I’ll become in the future as I’m in the process of losing my current job as a graphic designer. I don’t know what to do, whether to pursue a career in the advertising world or turn my life upside down and go to school again to study something completely different (and have no money while doing it). The hope and courage to become something have evaded me. The hopes to become a mother I had even a year ago seem to fade away too as we keep failing one cycle after another. IVF scares the hell out of me especially now; we only have the money for one round and if it fails what then, I’ll be infertile AND unemployed.

I wish I could summon some of the hope and courage I had ten years ago. I wish I could have some of the naivete and certainty that life will treat me well in the future. But unfortunately the ten years between me and the girl in the picture have taught me that it’s impossible to scriptwrite your life; some times the universe has other plans than you do.


One comment

  1. oh man, I hear you.

    And what a cutie pie you were (and still are!!!!!)

    And you can say that again, nothing does go according to plan does it.


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