November 19, 2008

Kickboxing was just what I needed yesterday. After one hour’s hard training I was totally beaten up, my knuckles were bleeding, I could hardly breath from panting and my right foot cramped quite painfully. When I scratched my knuckles open it was good pain. The kind of rush of pain that makes you feel alive and breathing, far away from the emotional all-embracing IF-pain I was feeling earlier that day. It was the kind of pain I could control; I had chosen to push my body to its limits well knowing that I might get a little hurt.

I think there are two kinds of pain; the good and the bad. The good pain is the sensation of a tattoo needle on your skin, the pulling of a splinter from your finger, the ache in your muscles after a good work out, the weight of a heavy packback on your shoulders on a hike, the pinch of acupuncture needles, the sensation in your toes in winter when the blood starts to circulate in them after you’ve frozen yourself outside. The kind of pain you know is good for you in some sense. Even though it hurts you will feel better afterwords and the pain is a means to an end.

And there is the other kind of pain. Like the IF-pain that crushes your heart and soul. The kind of pain that originates from sources you have no control over. I’ve read in many blogs (usually the ones where writers have gotten preggo after their struggle) how the pain of infertility has changed them drastically and how the pain and struggle was for a greater purpose. That there truly was a meaning for all that pain before success. And of course there has been in those cases. But what about the ones who don’t become pregnant despite all the struggles and pain they’ve been through? What purpose does their pain serve? I know that this process has already changed me but has it been for better? I certainly don’t feel nobler in any sense. I feel more cynical, more sad, more angry each cycle that goes by.

As a Finn and protestant I was raised to believe that hard work and struggle always pays off. I was brought up not to give up while facing adversity but to suck it up and crawl further. There is even an old saying here: “Suffer, suffer and you’ll get the brightest crown”. Like pain and suffering would make you a better person. I’m not sure I can believe in this. I think all the IF pain and tears scar you for life and take away a significant amount of certain innocent trust you had in you before the process.

I wish that the pain I’m feeling now will have a purpose some day. I wish no one would have to go through infertility and the pain it causes. I wish there only was good kind of pain.



  1. Well, that certainly explains where that mind set came from in my family! I like Suffer, suffer….. LOL. And yes, the types of pain. Big fan of the first kind…not so much the second.. 😉

    And yeah. I completely understand. I mean, what purpose will my pain have served when I end up childless? I’ll be bitter, angry, and hate preggo’s and children. That is not something that is better…..ugh.

    I personally think it’s just random shit, and that I am a bit of a cosmic joke. I guess I’ll be more empathetic towards infertiles, I didn’t have this perspective before, but man, is that all? LOL.


  2. Hope ur feeling better!!!!! hugs

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