Archive for September, 2008

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The imperfect Eve

September 28, 2008
The imperfect Eve

The imperfect Eve (etching + aqua tinta)

Voilá my latest work. Although I usually prefer to leave the joy of interpretation to the viewer, I’d like to say a few words about this one. I was first a little disappointed with the way her skin turned out after the erosion process. I didn’t mean to put those scratches on her skin, they are the result of the marks of the marker pen I used during the work.

After looking at the work for some time I started to think that they certainly need to be there. This work was meant to be a presentation of fertility. A fertility goddess you could say. She was supposed to look perfect. And she became something else. The goddess for all infertile women. She’s covered in scars but it really doesn’t matter to her as she has succeeded finally. I too have my scars already from this process but I have still hope that someday my scars won’t matter anymore either.

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Towards IUI #2

September 27, 2008

Tested a BFN this morning. I didn’t honestly believe that there would be two lines. A couple of hours later dear AF arrived. I feel ok about this, as I saw it coming already a week ago.

Now two more weeks and then the next IUI :)! I don’t want to wait because as an endo-patient after laparoscopy your best opportunities to conceive are some 6 months post surgery. I got the bill for the first IUI yesterday on mail and was positively surprised; it was much less than I expected, 176 euros. DH already paid his part which was some 90 euros so 266e in total. What I don’t understand is the fact that dildocam-treatment is the most expensive part of all this; 124 euros. The IUI itself was marked worth of  21 euros.

The first round was rehearsal, now we are moving towards the real round! I’m not gonna give up and lose my hope yet.

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A better day

September 26, 2008

Yesterday’s hormonal storm seems to be calming down. Luckily. I hate those days when I feel like a bag of emotional toxic waste and can’t control my feelings at all. Like yesterday while riding the bus to my graphic’s class, I had to fight with all my mental power the tears not to come. And I want to apologize to that trainee at Subway’s, I’m sorry I snapped at you because you tried to put tomatoes on my chicken teriaki sandwich when I had told you I didn’t want any. But that’s what infertile pms-bitches are like. Last two cycles were much better regarding the mood swings. Last month I didn’t have any of this shit.

I still have the cramps and I’m just waiting for AF to arrive but I’m feeling much better mentally. Ok, we didn’t succeed on the first round but we’ll move on to the next one. And maybe with some hormonal enhancements this time. I think the problem might be with implantation (either that or the fertilization), because I’m sure the ovulation part is working fine. So I’ll ask the doc could we add progesteron to the game since it should help the implantation process.

Yesterday’s graphic’s class was so therapeutic. Just what I needed; during those three hours I didn’t think about ttc for a second. I’ll post my new work as soon as I get it scanned!

I’m so glad it’s friday today and I have the weekend ahead of me. Today I’ll go see The other Boleyn girl with my cousin after work. It’s her first time out on her own after her son (my goodson) was born in April. Tomorrow one of our friends has a graduation party and I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun :D! And we’ll also continue the filming of our horror movie tomorrow morning.

What comes to my endo-diet, I’ve slipped quite badly during the last few weeks. We’ve got a video rental place next to our workplace and you can buy candy pick’n’mix styled there. Needless to say, I’m a regular customer. Now that I started to think about it, maybe bringing chocolate back as a regular to my diet is causing the moodswings! Could it be?

And I’ll POAS tomorrow morning if AF hasn’t arrived before it. Just to make sure I can have my ciders with a peaceful mind.

Have a good weekend everyone, I’m gonna enjoy mine :)!

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There will be blood

September 25, 2008

I feel like shit at the moment. Like a complete failure. What the fuck is wrong with my body? All hormones should be ok, I’m supposedly ovulating normally, DH’s swimmers responded well to the treatment and we should have all the odds on our side. AND STILL NOTHING HAPPENS.

Heavy cramps, hellish tearful moodswings, feeling like this will never go right. AF surely tomorrow, thanks a lot bitch.

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This country is going straight down the toilet

September 23, 2008

We had another school shooting today. Only 10 months after the previous one. I used to think I was living in a nice, safe country where’s little to fear. But it seems that people here are turning crazy and you can’t escape the crazyness anywhere. Especially young guys are turning into lunatics. The last year’s school killer was a 18-years old guy, today’s was 22.  About a month ago a 18-year old guy stabbed a 14-year old girl to death on a basketball court. They didn’t even know each other. Some years ago in the metro a mentally ill stranger hit a young guy lethaly in the head with an axe. This turns my stomach.

What’s wrong with the world?

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No high hopes left

September 22, 2008

It’s CD21, 7DPO. I have ALL the usual pms/endo symptoms. The back pain, the cramps, the mood swings. And no EPS. So I really don’t believe any more that this first IUI was a success. At times I feel quite devastated, although I know it’s rare to succeed in your fist IUI. If AF doesn’t arrive before Saturday, I promise to POAS. But at the moment I’m sure there won’t be need for that. I fucking hate this.

And another boring work week ahead of me.

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Big Brother babies and toxic thoughts

September 17, 2008

The fourth season of Finnish Big Brother started a couple of weeks ago. DH worked as a cameraman on the first season so I got to know all the gossip before they showed it on telly. Now I have to read it on internet from the boards where people with the cable subscription share what’s going on. On Sunday’s live show one of the contestants got to learn that his girlfriend is pregnant. She was suddenly standing outside the window and holding signs that word by word told him the news. The guy was so touching, he could hardly breath because he was so happy. I was of course in tears while wathcing this as I’m a real sucker for all emotional tv crap.

On last season’s BB one of the girls in the house learned she was pregnant (after several months of ttc’ing) after a few weeks of the show. What possess someone ttc’ing to enter the BB house is a mystery to me. We are still waiting for our Finnish BB baby to be born in the house or one of the contestants to conceive while staying in the BB house. (Looking at the current, free-spirited and mainly single contestants in their early 20’s and the amount of drunken kissing/snuggling/groping I could see that happening too.)

Okay, BB is not ALL I watch on telly. On Monday there was an interesting document about the general sperm quality and how it is radically getting worse thanks to all the toxins we are surrounded by. These toxins are basically everywhere; in the things we touch every day (different plastics), the food we eat (agricultural toxins), the air we breath (pollution). Quite alarming actually. What if our problems to conceive are partly a result of this? Will couples have even more and more infertility problems in the future?  I have to admit though that I didn’t watch the whole document because my favourite Finnish soap opera started on different channel at the same time.

I have a big bruise on my right knee thanks to Sunday’s kickboxing workout and several small ones after yesterday’s. I love the sport. Especially when we have free sparring and I get a guy twice my age as my partner and he looks down on me just to have his ass kicked in a few minutes. Ha-ha :D! I know that if I’d get those magic two lines I’d had to stop this sport immediately since it involves so much contact. Ok I guess I could handle that 😉 Funny thing is, that me and my friend are now the only girls in the beginners’ course although there were like 10 of us when we started. Now it’s just a bunch of big guys and us.

Next weekend one of my cousins is getting married and I’m again the designated photographer. I’m really looking forward to seeing many of my relatives as it’s going to be a bigger wedding than my sister’s. Too bad that me and DH will be the only ones representing our family since my sister’s husband is working and my parents are going abroad for a holiday. But knowing my relatives it’s going to be a good party! I’ll just have to pretend to drink my wine so I will dodge all the questions. In Finland you are either a)pregnant b)really religious if you don’t drink and not drinking always means you have to explain it to others. Drinking heavily is somewhat our national sport… Yep, not a very smart one.

It’s CD16, 2DPO. No symptoms really, just the same cramps and back pain I had during ovulation but quite mild today.