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Holiday pictures and bad dreams

July 11, 2008

More pics from our holiday can be found on Flickr. I want to go back. At work there’s nothing to do and everyone else is leaving on holiday. I have 2 days off next week because of my little sister’s wedding, I’m her maid of honour. In Finland there’s not usually an army of bridesmaids as in the US, but only one or two maids of honour. I found a beautiful mermaid-styled fuxia red dress from the sales for the occasion, it’s made of silk and the colour is awesome.

Yesterday my parents were visiting us. I know that my infertility is a huge disappointment for them also, and that makes it feel even more bitter and sad. They have been asking and hoping for grandchildren for some 4 years now, but stopped the asking when I told about my laparoscopy and endometriosis. I think my news scared the shit out of them. I would want my future children to get to know their grandparents and have them around in their lives as long as possible. My other grandfather died when I was 6, other was an alcoholist who remained distant until his death at 2001. My mother’s twin sister was never able to conceive, as weren’t two of my granny’s sisters either and mom suspected that granny’s sisters had endo, as they had had some surgery done in their youth. Although I don’t know how long has laparoscopy/laparotomy been available for endo. It’s fucked that the disease has been known from the 19th century and still doctors haven’t been able to find out how it really works and how it could be cured. If it was men who suffer from this, there would have been a cure a hundred years ago, I’m sure.

A while ago I had a dream, where my sister (she’s 1,5 years younger than me and as mentioned above, getting married in a week) announced me that she was pregnant after 1 month of trying. In the dream I totally flipped and screamed and cried how unfair it was. I really hope I can manage my feelings if/when she announces those news and not become some bitter psycho-bitch. Of course I want her to be able to have babies but as everyone suffering from this shit knows, it’s sometimes just too much to asked to be happy for other’s luck. My granny asked me and my sister a couple of months ago when will we have babies. Ok, she’s old and not totally well anymore but still it was difficult to hold my tears. My sister said then that I will have mine before hers.

We went to a Russian restaurant with my folks, I love russian food and the cosy, decorative 19th century atmosphere that is lacking from Finnish restaurants. I ate and drank so much I thought I was going to explode. A nice evening anyway and today I’m gonna have some russian sparkling wine in the evening and head to the city and party. The cramps are BAD and I know there’s no need to do any HPT.

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