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Mental rollercoaster

June 4, 2008

I gave up the pill last summer after almost ten years of happy co-working. I never had any problems with the white tablets I started popping at the delicate age of 16. Me and Harmonet (I don’t know the international brand name), we got along really well. I didn’t lose my sex drive, I didn’t gain any weight or become hopelessly depressed while on hormones. It was the stopping eating them that drove me insane.

Now it’s CD2 and this morning I spent 10 minutes crying in the shower, then crying some more while having a glass of grapefruit juice (that’s supposed to improve your cervical mucus) and had really hard time to get myself into the condition to go to work and look like a decent human being without a Rudolph Red -nose and puffy eyes.

On Monday evening I knew my period would start on Tuesday: I was shopping at a big mall when the now so familiar, monthly hormonal attack of desperation and tears hit me. It is like a tidal wave that you can’t control, it is like becoming someone totally different. Schizophrenic. I could manage my tears until I was at home and then cry a lot, and then some more. No wonder women were categorized hysterical only a hundred years ago. I know that the weeping, hormonal monster whom I become every single month just the day before my period can be labeled nothing else.

This morning’s tears however were produced more because of the disappointment, again. A year of trying past us and no results. I’m so tired and sick of this sometimes, it seems so unfair. If nothing happens in the following two months, we’ll go to a clinic to ask for our options, which is IVF I assume. I’ve recovered very well from the operation, I know I ovulated this month (I’m using the OPK-tests and there was also a clear termal shift) so my hopes were high. The cramps and back pain have been as bad as before the operation, so not much improvement on my endometriosis there. And I’m bleeding much more than usual.

My husband had his semen test results and there is nothing wrong with him. Although these are really good news, at the same time it feels devastating that it’s my fault that I’m not pregnant. Yes I know I shouldn’t think that way but sometimes there’s no way helping it. People tell me to relax and stop thinking about the issue but how do you do that when something you really really want isn’t happening?

I try to stay positive and tell myself that we are going to have a baby, one way or the other. But this waiting is driving me insane, as I’m not the most patient person.

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2 comments

  1. I wish you best of luck.


  2. I am not patient either, and 2+ years of this crap is wearing thin.

    I hope neither of us have to wait too much longer.

    xoxo



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