More bad ideas for the infertile:

Organize a meeting with your client right after seeing your RE to discuss your fucked up IVF cycle and disfunctioning body. It sure is fun to try look normal just after crying in the car because world just is not a fair place to live in!

I thought I was ok with the ivf-failure ok but obviously I’m not. Seeing RE brought my emotions to the surface for some reason. Maybe it was because I kept thinking that this appointment could have been for the first u/s. I had to fight my tears through the whole 45 minutes we sat there and of course she saw that I was a mess and suggested counseling. I’m thinking about it. If only it rained 100 euros bills so I could afford it.

There was no explanation why the ivf didn’t succeed. I responded perfectly to the stims, all of the eggies fertilized which was suberb, and over half of the embryos were good quality and worth transfering. Bad luck said RE. How can we possibly have so much bad luck? Every single fucking time. Obviously there was a problem with implantation. So now we are running blood test worth at least 500 euros to check all my antidote levels. I’m just confused why they didn’t run these test earlier? Are we just a cow who milks money to them?

The nurse took 5 tubes of my blood and we’ll get the results in 3-4 weeks. That might mean no FET in April, depending on my cycle.We are going to do a medicated FET with low stimming with Gonal-F.  And I thought the needle-fun was over already. If our embies would be so lucky to survive the thawing both of them (they are frozen in two pairs), we are going to transfer both of them. In a way I’m hoping that the blood tests will reveal some kind of a problem that will give us an explanation. The kind of a problem that could be medicated and treated and we would finally succeed.

And what really got me upset was RE’s remark that if these FET’s fail so that we get to transfer but they won’t implant I probably have to get a lap again. I was so devastetad to hear this. Another surgery. Fuck me and my miserable piece of shit body. Fuck you endometriosis for ruining my life.

I had to take three buses to get home from my meeting, trying to fight my tears all the way because I can’t stand crying in public. Of course at home I bursted the second I shut the door behind me. And of course today I have a shitload of work to do for my customers. GREAT. Ok, it’s great that I have customers and work to do but just not today. I also managed to spill my coffee on my computer table.

DH sent me the sweetest sms in the middle of my despair: “We will always be together. I will be there to support you, and that is why I want to take part in all these appointments. What bugs me the most in this is all the heavy treatments you have to go through, because I only want what is best for you. In my eyes you are really brave and I admire you so much for that! And remember that I’ll always be proud of you and the happiest man alive whether we’ll get kids or not. In the end you are the most important thing in this world for me”. I love him so much.

My sister is coming here for the weekend, we’ll go to flea markets together and make plans for our jewelry company. Lately we’ve gotten a lot of free advertisement in Finnish fashion blogs and a lot of new customers too. Great to get her here and my mind off the if-shit.

And the person who left a comment that I shouldn’t be drinking because it’s “bad karma” and that she is against ivf, please do not comment ever again.

Baseline completed!

We had the baseline u/s this morning. I was a bit anxious before it because I’ve been feeling some twinges on both ovaries so I thought I might not be supressed enough. Luckily that wasn’t the case, lining was thin and the follies (4 on right side, 5-6 on left side) small as they should be. First step completed! Yay! We are proceeding on schedule

After we saw RE we met with the nurse and she taught us how to stick the Gonal-F. I was scared as hell to stab myself with the needle because I’ve never done it before and asked if it’s possible to hit your organs..LOL. It actually didn’t hurt at all! The dosage was 225 today and it’ll be 150 every day until next Monday when we have our next appointment and u/s. I will be decreasing the nasal spray to only one sniff every 12 hours instead of the two sniffs I’ve had so far. I had a really bad headache last week from the spray but thank god it’s gone now.

I asked if there will be any blood tests (since I’ve read from my many if-blogger friends’ posts that they’re having those) but RE said no. Only if there’s something suspicious to be seen on the u/s they’ll draw blood.

I had my last day at the office yesterday. Hooray! Now I’m officially unemployed/freelancer. I bought a computer and the software from my workplace and actually already made my first freelancer project (cd covers) Next week me and DH are hired to do one 3 day project together, him editing the videos and me doing the graphics.. It’ll be interesting!

I’m so glad there’s all this new exciting stuff going on, so I can’t focus too much on the ivf and ponder how it’s going to be and will we ever succeed or not. I have a strong feeling that our main problem has been the fertilization because I’ve always gotten bad endo symptoms already on 2-3 dpo, so if we’ll get even one embie aboard we will be quite hopeful.

Questions to my RE

I had my talk with our RE today. And took the liberty to have rest of the day free from work since I’ve already sneezed half of my brains out.

I thought I’ll post the questions I asked and the answers she gave me, because someone else looking for similar information might be reading this. First my questions, then below doc’s answers (freely translated).

I can feel my endo coming back, what should we do?

-It’s unlikely that the endo has spread a lot during these 5 months after laparoscopy and it’s not going to explode instantly. Still we shouldn’t wait too long but move on to IVF if IUI isn’t working soon. We’ll do 1 or max 2 IUIs and if they fail we’ll proceed to IVF in the beginning of 2009.

I have unmedicated elevated blood pressure (140/90 at highest), is that a problem?

-It shouldn’t be a big problem, but during pregnancy you would get monitored more closely and might have to take drugs to get the pressures down.

Can flu delay ovulation?

-It is possible that especially a tough illness or stress will delay ovulation. But it’s also normal to have longer cycles every now and then without any specific reason.

My luteal phase is usually 11 or 12 days long, is that enough?

-LP of 10-14 days is normal BUT longer LP would be better. We’ll add extra progesterone to this cycle after IUI.

Why do I get the sore nipples during ovulation only every other cycle, does that mean there’s something wrong with my hormones?

-It’s hard to say only regarding one symptom, but it might indicate a hormonal problem. Let’s hope that the extra progesterone will help this cycle.

I got the positive OPK on your first IUI cycle on Saturday evening, was Monday too late for IUI?

-It’s better to have the sperm waiting for the egg than do the IUI after the egg has already been released. It might have been too late. Next time, if you get positive OPK on an afternoon and then next morning, we’ll do the IUI on the same day.

Can you tell is your problem with the fertilization or implantation? I have backache at 3DPO, does my body know at that point that the fertilization has failed?

With IUI it’s impossible to tell, we only see you are producing eggs but we cant’ see if they are fertilized or not. About the back pain, it’s really hard to tell why do you have it.

What about having more eggs with clomid or other drugs?

As there seems not to be any problem concerning ovulation, extra drugs aren’t necessary. In Finland doctors don’t support producing lots of eggs and then doing selective reduction. With older patients and patients with ovulation problems they do add hormones to the cycle but if a woman produces more than 3 eggs then the cycle will be canceled because of the risk of multiples. Selective reduction isn’t done in FInland at all.

Could we do IVM? (=IVF without the drugs)

With endo patients the results are better with IVF, as the procedure is more controllable. Also some of the IVF drugs moderate endo. I would recommend IVF.

What about IVF then, how many eggs would we transfer if we will do it?

Probably one. 60-70% of embryo transfers in Finland are one embryo transfers, rest two embryos. Doctors favor SET and they are able to select the best embryos for transfer. The amount depends on woman’s age, medical history and general condition. In your case we would probably transfer only one embryo, as a twin pregnancy would cause much stress on your body since you have also highish blood pressure. The success rates with IVF are much better than with IUI as it’s more precise and we will learn if the problem has been the fertilization or implantation.

More about SET vs. DET here. Favoring SET means lower success rates than if three or four embryous would be transfered, but less risks as well. It’s not uncommon to couples to have to do two or three rounds of IVF before succeeding, as the doctors here like to play it safe. Of course it’s much cheaper here than in the US as government pays part of it, but still around 2000 euros a round.

I love my RE, although she couldn’t answer everything straight away I always get the feeling with her that she knows what she’s doing. There’s a certain wise aura around her. She told me not to worry, as we are only in the first steps of our if treatment, and that we should still try out at least one IUI before IVF. She also told me I can email her any questions I have. That’s great, so I don’t have to skip work all the time.

So this cycle its IUI #3 with progesterone. If that fails, probably IUI#4 in December. And if even that fails then IVF with SET in January. And I don’t want to think about the option of failing that as well.

This morning we got frost on the ground. I’m not a big fan of winter (especially the Helsinki “winter” with 5 months of rain and darkness), but there are some things in winter season I love. Like glogg and gingerbread cookies! Yesterday I watched a BBC’s drama Cranford with a mug off glogg and a jar of those christmas cookies, curled up on our sofa. I love BBC dramas too, they are so hiqh quality with good actors (this one with Judi Dench), great costumes and setup. And so British!

For two nights in a row I’ve dreamed of a town I’ve never visited, yet there was something familiar to it. It was a mixture of Tallinn, Maastricht, Paris and maybe some place in Italy too. First night I was there alone and it was 5AM with people getting home from bars, last night I was there with my parents and sis during the day. It was an old town with pretty buildings. There was a big market place with a white church tower, and picturesque restaurants surrounding the market place. Does anyone know where I’ve been? Maybe I’ll go there next night too