Pain

Kickboxing was just what I needed yesterday. After one hour’s hard training I was totally beaten up, my knuckles were bleeding, I could hardly breath from panting and my right foot cramped quite painfully. When I scratched my knuckles open it was good pain. The kind of rush of pain that makes you feel alive and breathing, far away from the emotional all-embracing IF-pain I was feeling earlier that day. It was the kind of pain I could control; I had chosen to push my body to its limits well knowing that I might get a little hurt.

I think there are two kinds of pain; the good and the bad. The good pain is the sensation of a tattoo needle on your skin, the pulling of a splinter from your finger, the ache in your muscles after a good work out, the weight of a heavy packback on your shoulders on a hike, the pinch of acupuncture needles, the sensation in your toes in winter when the blood starts to circulate in them after you’ve frozen yourself outside. The kind of pain you know is good for you in some sense. Even though it hurts you will feel better afterwords and the pain is a means to an end.

And there is the other kind of pain. Like the IF-pain that crushes your heart and soul. The kind of pain that originates from sources you have no control over. I’ve read in many blogs (usually the ones where writers have gotten preggo after their struggle) how the pain of infertility has changed them drastically and how the pain and struggle was for a greater purpose. That there truly was a meaning for all that pain before success. And of course there has been in those cases. But what about the ones who don’t become pregnant despite all the struggles and pain they’ve been through? What purpose does their pain serve? I know that this process has already changed me but has it been for better? I certainly don’t feel nobler in any sense. I feel more cynical, more sad, more angry each cycle that goes by.

As a Finn and protestant I was raised to believe that hard work and struggle always pays off. I was brought up not to give up while facing adversity but to suck it up and crawl further. There is even an old saying here: “Suffer, suffer and you’ll get the brightest crown”. Like pain and suffering would make you a better person. I’m not sure I can believe in this. I think all the IF pain and tears scar you for life and take away a significant amount of certain innocent trust you had in you before the process.

I wish that the pain I’m feeling now will have a purpose some day. I wish no one would have to go through infertility and the pain it causes. I wish there only was good kind of pain.

Infected

Before my lap I had every cycle the symptoms of an urinal infection (without having one) but they usually lasted only a few hours and were tolerable. After the lap first few months passed with only very mild symptoms. Now the shit seems to be crawling back again.

It turned out that now my symptoms were not entirely endo-related. This morning the pain was so horrible (and had lasted a few days already) I had to travel across the town to the clinic that my workplace has a contract with and was prescribed antibiotics for urinal infection. I feel better now but not entirely well.  I also feel depressed, moody and extremely tired and I’m sure that also this cycle was worth nothing.

They will get the results for my tests only in the beginning of next week, and doc will call me if I really had an infection. I actually hope that I have, if this horrible pain is only endo-related and not manageable with antibiotics I will f#¤king explode with my enormous hatred towards endometriosis.

We had our great neighbor (he ordered one of my “Impefect Eve” prints!) as a dinner guest last night and the evening ended with me calling him at 5AM to wake up DH who had apparentely passed out on his carpet. And this morning we had yet another fight about reasonable drinking.

I want a vacation. I want to have time to do all my artsy projects without being stressed. I want away from this darkness and to a sunny warm place. I want to quit my job and do something more productive. I want to have a child and paint with him/her on a big paper on livingroom floor like we did when I was a child. I want to feel more positive and optimistic and believe that everything will be ok.

Rock’n'Roll!

Yesterday’s gig was GREAT! I think I’ve said these words before but it was one of the best shows I’ve witnessed in my whole life. The singer totally knew how to make a good show; making the audience scream and sing and sharing his Jack Daniels bottle with the listeners And look at those sideburns! Thigh brushes they’d be called in Finnish ! (it’s an old photo I found on the net) Me and guys had a blast! Today though everyone is hung over and we have an important customer meeting in an hour…

Concerning ttc; it’s CD21 7DPO/IUI. Back pain is fortunately absent today and yesterday too, but I have some familiar cramps and quite a lot ovarian pain on both sides. And my f#%king most annyoing endo symptom is back in it’s full glory; the symptoms of an urinal infection (without having an infection). It feels like pissing needles.

I was supposed to go out tonight with my cousin but her son fell ill so we’ll be having the ordinary Friday feast with DH instead. And tomorrow I’ll go rehearse my drumming after a long pause! On Sunday I’ll go with a highschool friend to sell some old stuff on a flea market, hopefully people want to buy all my junk fabulous stuff

Toothache from hell…revisited

Had an appointment with the dentist today to fix the tooth. What better way to start the weekend than root canal treatment <3? First it was painless and I thought, wow, did I get out of this so easily? But no, then in the end the dentist managed to hit a nerve and the pain, oh the sharp, stabbing pain. I got tears in my eyes and twitched involuntarily. When I got out of there I swallowed a painkiller immediately, but it did nothing.

I had to run some errands while in the city, saw the homeopathic doctor who gave me the meds she didn’t have with her last time, went to the pharmacy to get more painkillers and stopped by the post office to fetch a surprise packet our dear friend had send from Vietnam. All this time the pain was killing me. I was ready to punch all people around me because I was hurting so much and they were moving too slow on the queus. What kept me going was the thought of heavy painkillers at home. The good stuff.

Luckily drugs took the pain away and now I’m fresh and ready to go kickboxing and then later in the evening we’ll hit the town to see the big fireworks they’ll have today. And tomorrow morning to Tallinn! Yay!

Ouch!

I feel like a train had ran over me and there’s a bruise on my left shoulder. Half of the muscles in my body are hurting. Yep, the first kickboxing workout was yesterday. And it was so much fun !! I sweated like a little red pig but like a very happy pig! We’re going again on Sunday.

Had another appointment to the acupuncturist too. This time he put a needle on my head and one on my lower back (and also the needles on my belly as last time). It’s strange how the needles hurt diffrently in different parts. For example the needle on my head didn’t hurt at all where as the on on my lower back hurt so much I had to bite my lip. The next session is on Friday and yet another on next Monday. I’m going to go bankrupt over this.

It’s CD13 and I suspect I’ll be ovulating on CD15 or 16. It’s a good thing that the RE is tomorrow so she can check with the dildocam if I’m really ovulating or not! They can do that, can’t they?

Tonight we’re going to see these girls play! The song is about domestic violence and roughly translated “if you’ll hit me one more time I’ll kill you”.  One of the best current Finnish live bands I’ve seen.

False hope

It’s CD 28, temp dropped to 36.7C this morning. All the small hopes I had inside dropped as well. Why do I torture myself each month thinking that these cramps and pains might somehow be different? That this time It would have worked despite the pains which are IDENTICAL to the ones I’ve had each cycle for 13 months? Why do I keep fooling myself? I feel exactly the same as every month before the menses.

My chart looks exactly like two months before; dip from over 37C to 36.7C just before CD1. So come on AF, I know you are coming so you might as well show your ugly face! Only thing that I don’t understand is the long LP. According to my ff I’m on 15DPO and my usual LP is 10-12 days. Maybe I didn’t O on CD13. Maybe it was much later. And it doesn’t really mean shit at this point which day I O’d!

Next week I’m having a reflexologist appointment on Monday and a homeopathic doctor appointment on Tuesday. I hope that those nice hippies could help me.

Yesterday I had a girl-evening just by myself as hubby was working in another town. I listened to Fiona Apple’s Extraordinary Machine (made me feel much better), cooked meatballs (btw they are Finnish not Swedish!) and salad, slouched on the couch with a women’s magazine watching halfly Canada’s next top model (I think Finland might be the only country in the world where they run foreign reality show’s on tv) and  then put BH90210 on the dvd player (it was the episode where Brandon gets work at the Peach Pit). And totally enjoyed myself

It’s like October here. Pouring rain and 12C. If the weather doesn’t change before my holiday in the end of August I’m gonna start consider moving to Ibiza.

Total Awesomeness!

We went to see Kung Fu Panda on Friday after work. It was a totally awesome movie. Hilarious, entertaining, pretty cg eye-candy with good voice-acting. I <3 Jack Black. It was definetely his movie.

Before the film there were commercials as usual, and during one phone operator spot I almost burst into hormonal tears; it was about a nerdy little boy going to school for the first day and his mother taking him there. Of course I started thinking if I’ll ever get to take my child to school and wait for them anxiously to come home. And then I started to think what if I’ll finally get pregnant and we’ll get a girl and I’ll pass on all this endometriosis shit to her and she’ll have all these problems aswell? Luckily the movie was so good it took my faul mood away. The PMS-hormone attacks are a true bitch. One time pmsing I even cried when  Paul Potts was singing on the telly. Seriously. That’s sick.

After the movie we went to eat in a Greek restaurant and during a 5 minutes time I saw 3 pregnant women parading by the window rubbing their bellies. Couldn’t there be a law that pregnant women should stay at home or with their giant bellies?

The trip to Naantali was great even though the weather wasn’t. I’ll post some photos later. The villa was cosy and in the middle of the pretty old town. I envy the people who get to live there on a regular basis. We popped the champagne (though we are so ignorant we couldn’t really taste the difference to a chepaer bubbly) and had strawberries and chocolate with it and gave each other presents. I quess not quite the traditional wedding anniversary gifts but then again we are not the most traditional people either. My husband told me beforehand that he had picked a gift that he was sure would make me laugh. And of course I bursted into spontaneus laughter after opening the wrapping and seeing this:

The best gift really! I’ve been missing Brenda & Co so much these years We already watched the first episode yesterday. As we are games/movies/entertainment-junkies, my gift to my Husband was in a digital disc aswell.  We tried out some zombie-whacking yesterday evening, quite much fun!

On the Saturday evening we dined in a fancy restaurant and I slipped from my diet with the half a bottle of champagne, half a bottle of chardonnay, white bread, chocolate and the delicious panna cotta I had for dessert. You could say we truly enjoy eating. It was a great evening. I love my husband. And food. But now I’m back to my regime. Swear.

This morning while walking to the bus stop through the forest the weather felt so autumny. I love autumn but couldn’t we get more of summer than 2 days this year? The climate change messes everything up. No real summers anymore, no real winters with snow. Only gray, rainy days.

It’s CD24, temp was 36.9C this morning. Heavy cramps, massive back pain yesterday. I predict AF for this afternoon.

Just noticed that my sneakers smell like cat’s pee. Thanks guys.

Cramps, bloody cramps…

I know AF is on the way. She’ll arrive on Monday or Tuesday. It’s CD 21 (8DPO), my luteal phase is 10-12, temp was 37.0C this morning and I’ve started to cramp more so everything is going just like each month before this, only that this cycle will be the shortest ever.

Sigh.

I won’t let this ruin the weekend. It’s our 1st wedding anniversary on 3rd August and we’re going on Saturday to Naantali, stay in an old villa, pop the bottle of Veuve Cliquot we got as a wedding present, eat something really good, enjoy and relax. Naantali is supposed to be the sunniest town in Finland but they’ve forecasted rain for Saturday. I hope it’ll be sunny neverthless!

Toothache from hell

It’s back, the toothache from hell. Thanks to my enormous sweet tooth, I had some 6 holes in my teeth last spring, one of which required a root canal treatment as the hole extended to the nerve. Now the same tooth is aching like hell. I was lucky to get an appointment already for today. Wonder what they will do with it, maybe pull the whole rotten tooth out? Ouch.

The dentist told me I have the kind of teeth that catch caries easily. So combined with my notorius taste for sugar it’s a complete disaster. One more reason not to eat candy so much.

Friday in Pori and catching up with friends was nice. I didn’t remember though that people there drink a lot. I mean at the Irish bar where we were hanging the people were ridicuously drunk; falling off from their seats and leaving their own beers at the counter for the barman to watch over. I had 4 ciders and wasn’t obviously drunk enough for that place.

On Saturday evening we went to play some drums, then chilled at home with a bottle of semi-sparkling wine (frizzante), cooked delicious dinner with chicken skewers, salad and wokked vegetables, strawberries with whipped cream for dessert and watched Indiana Jones and the last crusade on dvd.

CD 17 and no signs of ovulation still. I guess this will be a long cycle again. Some minor cramps today but I had at least 5 days without any cramps or back pain! Hooray for that!

–edit–

The tooth was almost completely dead. It was the one with a massive hole that they already fixed this spring but didn’t make the root canal treatment then (next to the one to which they made the treatment) .  Now I need to have it done for that tooth too. And they only have free appointment times in September or October. Niiiiice! The pain is constant, throbbing, BAD. And I was supposed to go orienteering after work I’ll go buy some false teeth.