After Christmas

Christmas is over, we arrived home yesterday. I love my family but three nights is an absolute maximum I can spend at my parents’ home without going crazy. There’s nothing else to do there than eat, go to sauna (which was a bliss of course!) and watch telly. And we slept like 12 hours every night!

Here are some photos of the last few days:

In the morning of the Christmas eve we did a little trip to the forest

We made a fire and drank some glogg in the woods

Afterwards me and DH decorated the christmas tree

Our christmas dinner

The christmas tree in its full glory

My father as Santa

I'm trying out our new trekking cooker

Coffee

Zucchini pancakes

What comes to presents; I got almost everything I had wish for. A GPS to the car, new gloves, chocolate and a lot of things I haven’t asked for but was really glad to receive them; I especially loved the purple hoodie with red satin on the hood that my sister got me.

Almost all of my presents

And the gift I wanted the most? I guess not. SIGH. I’m 12DPO and I will poas the day after tomorrow. But so far no extraordinary symptoms that would get me holding my breath.

This is what the 2ww-fairy has got for me this time:

• mild cramps
• ovarian pain on both sides (every day since O, I guess an endo symptom)
• mild back pain (really intense pain on 4DPO)
• headaches
• dizziness & nausea (from the progesterone)
• pain & tingling feeling on my breasts. Can’t really explain it, they are not sore to touch or when I’m moving but sometimes they hurt on their own in a funny way. I guess I had this last month too from the progesterone.

We are having a sales at the jewelryshop! All prices are cut down to 10-60% from the original ones. And we do ship abroad

Fourth time lucky?

So it was, IUI#4 today. I had still peak positive OPK this morning and my temp was only 36.2C so we decided it wasn’t too late and made us an appointment. Everything was “suberb” again according to my RE; my lining (8.9mm), the timing, the sperm count (8 million) and motility (97% after the wash)… She said that’s there’s no reason we shouldn’t get pregnant. I just don’t believe in it anymore. The catheter hurt a little this time and in the afternoon I had some spotting. this has happened never before.

This time I ovulated from the left side, glad to see that side working too since 3 times in a row it was the right ovary popping the eggies! There was a big follicle on the right side too, but the one one the left was bigger and had already burst. I secretly wish that the right side will release an egg too, although I don’t know if that’s even possible.

After the iui I had an acupuncture appointment with a new acupuncturist; this time a Finnish old lady who looked like mrs. Santa Claus A symphatetic old hippie, I loved her! She’s also a gynecologist and specializes in treating infertility with acupuncture. The treatment she gave was super relaxing, I would like to see her again if I have money for that. It’s very uncertain will we receive our paychecks now after the bankruptcy…

The little gremlins are doing everything forbidden; hanging from the curtains, hanging from the laundry that’s drying, eating our plants and stealing our socks from the bedroom. So adorable

Isn’t this splendid!

I got a positive OPK a minute ago. How great is that! Ha! Not peak positive but positive enough anyway. I guess it’ll be peak tomorrow morning. We’ll probably go in for iui on Monday then although I’m quite sure it’ll be too late. I’m so not surprised for this. Thanks again, universe.

Regarding my job, nobody seems to know anything. Sony is considering buying parts of our company but only in Sweden, Norway and Denmark. We’ll just wait for the bulldozers then. The way these news reached the employees is a whole another story. We had to google-translate Danish stock web pages to get the information about the bankruptcy. But something g0od; I got a phone call yesterday and was asked to do a small web graphic project. Felt like a god-send at that moment.

Yesterday evening with DH was great. We made a restaurant bill worth of a small apartment’s rent… I ate reindeer (sorry Rudolph!) and had a few vodkas too. I love that restaurant, even though it’s really pricey.

Tonight I’m home alone with the cats (who seem to get along better now), DH is in Pori with his band to shoot their promo pictures. I guess I’ll spend the evening polishing my cv and building up my portfolio site.

Merry fucking christmas to me

The company I work for filed for bankruptcy this morning. 200 people of 300 will be laid off. Merry christmas everyone! On a bright side, maybe this means I’ll finally can get out of here and receive unemployment benefit for the time I’ll apply for a new job. Or maybe I’ll just go to school to study for a gardener.

I didn’t get an IUI for my birthday. But I got a beutiful bracelet and chocolate from DH and we went to the music quiz And tomorrow we’ll dine in a a nice Russian restaurant.

Still no signs of O, no positive OPK, no twinges, nada, zip, nothing. With my luck, the test will be perfectly positive on Saturday morning.

Will I get my birthday present?

CD13 and no positive OPK this morning, the line was as strong as yesterday. No O-signs otherwise really either, really mild cramps and twinges on both sides but not the same kind of pain I’m used to. Tomorrow it’s my birthday and in a kinky way I wish I would get the positive OPK tomorrow morning so we could do the IUI on my bday!

The cleaning people visited for the first time yesterday. I can’t describe the bliss of arriving home in the evening to a clean house. All the dishes washed, bedding changed, bathtub cleaned, cat hair vacuumed from the sofas. I could get used to this!

I had dinner with a friend yesterday, we hadn’t seen each other since our wedding party last autumn. We met in junior high and though we never were best friends I’ve noticed that even though time goes by we have stayed good friends and the ones I’ve once considered the best friends have left my life. Like when I was living in Maastricht and hadn’t seen her for a few years and she emailed me if she could come to meet me and stayed with me for a week and it was like we just had seen each other the day before even though it had been a long time. She’s so much fun to be with! When we were 16 we traveled through Europe one summer by train and it’s a trip I swear I’ll never forget. I still can’t believe my parents let me go considering what kind of a wild child I was at the time!

The kittens are enjoying themselves and running around our apartment. The big cats don’t like them yet but seem to tolerate them better. I bought a cat tranquilizer to eaze their stress, I hope it’ll work. I wish there was a device for humans too you could plug in and it would spread an odor that would make you feel much better.

May I introduce you…

to our new babies!

Kirka the girl (actually named after a male Finnish singer...)

Kössi the boy

Kirka (girl) and Kössi (boy) arrived yesterday. Our older cats are still in a state of mild shock and don’t let the kittens come near them but luckily no fighting yet. They are both really curious and adventurous, Kirka is a bit more brave than her brother but both seem to enjoy their new home I hope our older cats will welcome the newcomers soon too!

Weekend included a lot of eating and drinking, I think I might try to skip all drinking in January (it’s a bit o f a tradition in this alcoholistic country to do a sober January so you can drink the rest of the year like crazy with a clear conscience…)

I had strangely dark OPK this morning (CD12), Let’s see what happens this afternoon but I’m really really surprised if we get to do the failure iui#4 already tomorrow!

Melancholy

I had a bad day again yesterday and because I’m a melancholic Finn I had to listen to this song the second I got home from the art graphics class. I knew it would send me crying in an instant but that was probably just what I needed at the point, holding my tears the whole fucking day at work. At times I feel I’m carrying the weight of whole world on my shoulders and nothing seems to go as I wish. I’m a mess and I wish I wouldn’t feel this way.

Nick Cave: Sweetheart come

Come over here, babe
It ain’t that bad
I don’t claim to understand
The troubles that you’ve had
But the dogs you say they fed you to
Lay their muzzles in your lap
And the lions that they led you to
Lie down and take a nap
The ones you fear are wind and air
And I love you without measure
It seems we can be happy now
Be it better late than never

Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come to me

The burdens that you carry now
Are not of your creation
So let’s not weep for their evil deeds
But for their lack of imagination
Today’s the time for courage, babe
Tomorrow can be for forgiving
And if he touches you again
with his stupid hands
His life won’t be worth living

Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come to me

Walk with me now under the stars
For it’s a clear and easy pleasure
And be happy in my company
For I love you without measure
Walk with me now under the stars
It’s a safe and easy pleasure
It seems we can be happy now
It’s late but it ain’t never
It’s late but it ain’t never
It’s late but it ain’t never

I fell in love with Mr. Cave at the age of 14 when I heard his duet “Henry Lee” with PJ Harvey (also my favourite). Ever since he’s been the artist number one for me. Nothing like dwelling in that melancholy and sorrow. I saw him first time play live in Amsterdam in 2005 and again in Helsinki in 2007.

I’m really sick of my job at the moment, or the lack of work so to speak. And I feel trapped because this is the lousiest possible time to apply for a new job since all companies are sacking people in masses at the point and we have the IVF coming up in January.  If the IVF will fail I will resign immediately, this is a promise to myself. I know I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in front of a computer, I want to do something productive with my hands. If only I’d found a way to earn money too that way.

We are celebrating the independence day in Finland tomorrow. A friend couple is coming for dinner and later we’ll probably join our neighbour’s party, he already had a life-size figure of our president And I’m going to get wasted this weekend. I even considered doing it on Wednesday evening (and skipping work the next day) when we were attending the music quiz at a pub (really fun btw!) but then the good girl in me decided not to drink more and we went home early.

About ttc, some really really mild ovarian twinges but I’ve got the feeling O is going to show up really late this cycle, if at all, due to all this stress I’ve had last few weeks. I really don’t think the IUI is going to work this time either but what the hell, let’s just throw another 260 euros in the toilet.

In the midst of my melancholy and after so much bad luck going around my blogging friends, I’m really really happy that miracles still happen! Gongrats IrishNYC!

Gingerbread cookies and chocolate

Weekend was again over too soon. On Friday we went to see Burn after reading, which was hilarious ! I love Coen brothers’ movies.

On Saturday morning after sleeping late my cousin came over with her son and we took christmas card photos of him dressed in a little gingerbread man costume and an elf costume. I’d post them here but I’m not sure would my cousin approve of posting photos of her child over the internet… But he was so cute Now we also have toys for him to play with at our place since my mom gave me a bunch of our old toys for the purpose. He apparently liked the same little rubber duck best that was my favourite too 26 years ago.

My cousin is my best friend (after DH) and I share everything with her. Even the secrets I can’t tell anyone else. I’m so glad she lives in Helsinki now and we see each other almost every week. And she is sweet and thinks about my feelings with all the baby stuff, because she thought first that it would be unfair for her to come over too often with the baby because she was afraid it would seem like parading with her baby around me. But I don’t feel like that. I don’t feel sad around my godson. I just hope he will get cousins too. But I must say being a mother has definetely changed my cousin and it has changed our relationship. Because despite the fact that we talk a lot about my infertility and the treatments we do kinda live in different worlds now. And that is sad.

I had acupuncture today and it felt so relaxing. But I’m taking a break from it because I want to try this cycle without it. I don’t know can the progesterone somehow be still working on me but I haven’t had any of the ovarian twinges yet (CD5). I checked my FF and three previous cycles I had the twinges already around CD3 and on. This cycle the cramping was extremely mild, actually “proper” cramping only during one day and I’ve almost felt like when I was on the pill. I hope I will ovulate still. Even though I’m starting to feel it doesn’t really matter shit whether I ovulate or not, nothing’s happening anyway and I don’t know what the problem is.

When I was traveling home on the subway today a strange lady started to talk to me. As I mentioned before, Finns do NOT talk to each other on public transport if it’s not absolutely fundamentally obligatory. Even when we have to get out of the bus and there’s a stranger sitting next to us and we have to get past them we don’t say “excuse me, this is my stop”. No. We start to put our mittens on with a significant look and then just scramble past the fellow passanger whether they get out of the way or not.

Ok, first I thought that she’s a nutcase/wino because she was talking to me but in the end it was a nice chat. We talked about ginger bread cookies and chocolate. And both agreed that Finnish chocolate is SO much better than the Swedish one. Of course.

We have some new jewelry in the shop now and we even added a little text in English on the FAQ part if anyone out there is interested in ordering

AF is finally here!

How strange, I actually WAITED for AF to arrive this month. Well there’s a first time for everything. So as today is CD1 I counted that we could possibly have the 4th (useless) IUI on 10th of December as that will be CD14. And it’s also my birthday. Isn’t IUI what every girl hopes for a birthday present ?

And I don’t know if it’s still the after effects of the progesterone but I’m hardly cramping at all! How cool is that? I hardly even noticed AF coming. I figured out that since when I was on the pill and had zero endo pain and the pill also contains progesterone and now on progesterone supplies I had much less cramping than usual that these things have to be linked.

With DH things are better and we will try our best to fight the problems we have. Sometimes all these adversities put together make me feel like I’m crawling on my hands and knees in an endless pitch black labyrinth where there’s no light to be found, only a dead end after another. Yes, it’s obviously November as I’m starting to fall into the winter depression. All the snow we had is melting away as it’s raining and it looks so miserable outside.

We are thinking about getting two kittens. My sister’s MIL found a month ago a cat with 3 babies in their garage and no one has claimed for them even though she’s phoned all possible instances and they’ve taken care of them ever since. They would be about 12 weeks old on christmas so just the right age to get into a new home. I know four cats in a 2 room apartment seems quite a lot but I’m sure we would fit here! Obviously I’m turning into the cat lady from the Simpsons…

Tomorrow the cleaning company will come for their first visit while DH is at home and our place looks at the moment like it has been hit by a bomb. But I don’t really care if people find us messy. We just rather do other stuff than clean up

What a shitty day

To torture myself I began the day with poasing again, only to see the expected result. No AF yet but hopefully tomorrow so this cycle will fit iui-wise into December’s calendar.

At work it’s boring as hell, really nothing to do. I spend the day refreshing our webshop statcounter.

And as the sugar on top, me and DH are having a really, really rough time at the moment. I hope from the bottom of my heart we will work this out together. I love him so much despite all the troubles we’ve had.