Not over yet

I seriously thought that this time it would be different; no worries about betas and I would just smoothly end up with a baby. Honestly, a second after I said to DH how nice it is not to worry so much this time the spotting started. Like a punishment from the universe for taking this too light-heartedly.

I’m not giving up hope though. Spotting ceased yesterday after the morning and today I’ve only had a little and it’s light. And I had terrible cramps with some light brown spotting last time too. But what worries me is that last time it was very light and yesterday it was dark brown with a hint of blood. To reassure myself  I did one of the digital hpts that tell you how far your pregnancy is and got pregnant 3+ (means 5 weeks and more). So that helped for a little while, at least my hcg levels are where they should be at this point.

The first u/s feels like lightyears away, it’s on 13th October. I hope we get that far without any further drama. And I hope so much to see that flickering heartbeat.

Too good

I knew it was too good to be true. How could something so magical really happen to us? I did have symptoms even; on Sunday and yesterday I felt a wave of nausea several times and I was dead tired in the afternoon. I also felt pinching pain in my uterus and I knew it was the embryo. However, since yesteraday evening the symptoms have almost vanished. And the line on the hpt remains faint. RE told me to continue with Predinsone and progesterone until next Monday’s beta#2 but even she admitted that the number was extremely low. I know our chance of actually having a baby out of this are like the chance of winning the jackpot in the lottery.

I feel so sad, so disappointment. To have that happiness and hope for a second, then have it snatched away. How many times can you fix a broken heart?