Tomorrow!

Yaikes, tomorrow it all begins! It still isn’t sinking in properly, that we are actually doing this. It just doesn’t feel like it’s happening to me. I guess by the time I’lle be poking the needles in me it’ll be quite hard to ignore the fact that it’s my belly where the needles sting into. I’ll be taking the nasal spray every 12 hours. Because my memory is like cottage cheese I have to put a reminder on my cell for every day. DH pointed out to RE that he’s lucky not to be the one who has to take all the meds in special order and given times because he’d be sure to use them in the wrong order and wrong times

On Friday we took my sis and her hubby to the airport as they left to Vietnam for 2 weeks. I was SO jealous. Flying off to an exotic, warm place would be just what I need right now. Travelling is an essential part of me and it makes me incredibly sad that we won’t have money to any trips abroad this year. All my best memories are associated with travel; my first interrail trip at 16, another with my cousin a few years later, spending the 5 months in the Netherlands, last summer’s vacation in Slovenia… I’m still sometimes playing with the thought of doing an interrail trip  again although I know too well I don’t have the stamina of a 16-year old any more and sleeping on a train’s floor after partying the whole night would probably be too demanding. I love trains though; even traveling the two hours by train to my sister’s gives me a certain satisfaction; the feel of moving  from a place to another; the opportunities of travel it represents.

On Saturday I went with my friend J to a film festival to see a document about the extreme capitalism in today’s Russia. It told the story of three russian girls; one was selling her virginity on the internet, another participated in a big brother-like reality show and third one dreamed of becoming the next Madonna, only ending up as a stripper in a worn off club a little later. Very thought provoking and interesting to watch.

We had a tough kickboxing training yesterday; 45 minutes of technique and then another 45 minutes of exercise (sit-ups, push-ups, skipping rope..) No wonder I feel like a train has ran over me. When I’ll start the injections I’ll stop training during the ivf-treatment. Well hopefully for a much longer time

I’ve found the middle-aged side of me

We bought nordic walking poles. That is like the most middle-aged sport you can do. Now we are only missing matching track suits. Ha.  So far we’ve gone walking three times (about 20km in total) and it feels really effective compared to “normal walking”. I can feel the jammed muscles on my shoulders starting to loosen up a little. What astonishes me is why my butt hurts so much from all this exercise? Am I using wrong muscles for walking or something?

We’ve had some beautiful winter days, the temp is around -10C to -15C and the sun is shining. Not much snow really but the ground is frosty. Seeing the sun makes me feel so much better; now that the days are growing longer again I feel there is some hope in the air and I just can’t wait for the spring and summer to arrive. I want to go orienteering again, I want to go to the beach, I want to wear all my cute summer clothes.

Today I took my old Pentax (it’s a SLR-camera from the 70s and really the best camera I’ve ever had) and headed to a place we went walking a few days ago. Last time I didn’t have a camera with me and the scenery was so beautiful I swore I’d have to come back. The sun was going down around 3PM and you could see the silhouttes of factories and buildings across the bay; a very graphic vision I’d love to reproduce with aquatint too. I spent almost two hours outside with my camera and ate the frozen christmas chocolates I had brought with me as my provision. I need to have moments like this; just me alone doing stuff I love.

Like last Friday, after slacking home for too many days I decided it was time to get out and put even some make-up on and left to the city when DH went to work. I had a date with myself I went to see two art exhibitions, visited the library and visited a coffee house. First I went to see an art exhibition of he Finnish artist of the year Samuli Heimonen. I didn’t know a single thing about the artist or his works and I must admit I was a bit sceptic when going there; after all I usually hate most of modern art. But there was something hypnotic in his paintings and I liked his style a lot.

After the exhibition I hopped on the tram and went to the library. I love libraries; the endless amount of books is like a treasure chest full of opportunities. I love the smell of books, the quiet atmosphere, I love the weight of the books when I carry them home with me. Of course I ended up loaning a shitload of them, like these for example:

The last one is great. I don’t usually read any self-help books but this one seems like it was written just for me. I’m a constant worrier, have been since childhood. Seriously, I worry about everything, all the time. And basically the author is just trying to help you understand that there are no guarantees; anything can happen and you just have to live with that thought because you can’t control the universe.

Like there is a chance that our IVF cycle will fail. But there is also the chance it will succeed. And there’s no knowing beforehand how it’ll be, worrying and obsessing about it doesn’t make either option more likely. Of course my dear friend (or should I say my worst enemy, really) Mr. Google has already showed me the statistics for ivf-cycles in Finland. The success percent for a fresh cycle is around 30. So there is a good chance we will fall to the failure-category. But there is a better chance still for the success than with iuis. We already discussed what if this ivf will fail and decided we will take some time off from all this. No ttc, no doctors, no charting, no opks, no obsessing for a few months. We both feel we need a break from this if we will fail again. And our credit cards need one too.

Tomorrow is the last day of my holidays; I’m curious to go back to work and see how soon we’ll be resigned. And of course I haven’t figured out what I will do next. Hope for a jackpot in the lottery I guess. If it were possible I’d love to live on my artistic work; my aquatint & etchings, drawings and photography. Sadly, it doesn’t get bread on our table so I have just to figure out something else.

Big Brother babies and toxic thoughts

The fourth season of Finnish Big Brother started a couple of weeks ago. DH worked as a cameraman on the first season so I got to know all the gossip before they showed it on telly. Now I have to read it on internet from the boards where people with the cable subscription share what’s going on. On Sunday’s live show one of the contestants got to learn that his girlfriend is pregnant. She was suddenly standing outside the window and holding signs that word by word told him the news. The guy was so touching, he could hardly breath because he was so happy. I was of course in tears while wathcing this as I’m a real sucker for all emotional tv crap.

On last season’s BB one of the girls in the house learned she was pregnant (after several months of ttc’ing) after a few weeks of the show. What possess someone ttc’ing to enter the BB house is a mystery to me. We are still waiting for our Finnish BB baby to be born in the house or one of the contestants to conceive while staying in the BB house. (Looking at the current, free-spirited and mainly single contestants in their early 20’s and the amount of drunken kissing/snuggling/groping I could see that happening too.)

Okay, BB is not ALL I watch on telly. On Monday there was an interesting document about the general sperm quality and how it is radically getting worse thanks to all the toxins we are surrounded by. These toxins are basically everywhere; in the things we touch every day (different plastics), the food we eat (agricultural toxins), the air we breath (pollution). Quite alarming actually. What if our problems to conceive are partly a result of this? Will couples have even more and more infertility problems in the future?  I have to admit though that I didn’t watch the whole document because my favourite Finnish soap opera started on different channel at the same time.

I have a big bruise on my right knee thanks to Sunday’s kickboxing workout and several small ones after yesterday’s. I love the sport. Especially when we have free sparring and I get a guy twice my age as my partner and he looks down on me just to have his ass kicked in a few minutes. Ha-ha ! I know that if I’d get those magic two lines I’d had to stop this sport immediately since it involves so much contact. Ok I guess I could handle that Funny thing is, that me and my friend are now the only girls in the beginners’ course although there were like 10 of us when we started. Now it’s just a bunch of big guys and us.

Next weekend one of my cousins is getting married and I’m again the designated photographer. I’m really looking forward to seeing many of my relatives as it’s going to be a bigger wedding than my sister’s. Too bad that me and DH will be the only ones representing our family since my sister’s husband is working and my parents are going abroad for a holiday. But knowing my relatives it’s going to be a good party! I’ll just have to pretend to drink my wine so I will dodge all the questions. In Finland you are either a)pregnant b)really religious if you don’t drink and not drinking always means you have to explain it to others. Drinking heavily is somewhat our national sport… Yep, not a very smart one.

It’s CD16, 2DPO. No symptoms really, just the same cramps and back pain I had during ovulation but quite mild today.

Ouch!

I feel like a train had ran over me and there’s a bruise on my left shoulder. Half of the muscles in my body are hurting. Yep, the first kickboxing workout was yesterday. And it was so much fun !! I sweated like a little red pig but like a very happy pig! We’re going again on Sunday.

Had another appointment to the acupuncturist too. This time he put a needle on my head and one on my lower back (and also the needles on my belly as last time). It’s strange how the needles hurt diffrently in different parts. For example the needle on my head didn’t hurt at all where as the on on my lower back hurt so much I had to bite my lip. The next session is on Friday and yet another on next Monday. I’m going to go bankrupt over this.

It’s CD13 and I suspect I’ll be ovulating on CD15 or 16. It’s a good thing that the RE is tomorrow so she can check with the dildocam if I’m really ovulating or not! They can do that, can’t they?

Tonight we’re going to see these girls play! The song is about domestic violence and roughly translated “if you’ll hit me one more time I’ll kill you”.  One of the best current Finnish live bands I’ve seen.

Kick-ass bitch

I enrolled to a kickboxing class, it’ll start next Tuesday! I’m going with a friend and it’s only 100m away from our house so I possibly can’t allow myself any excuses for not going there. No more slouching on the couch with reality shows! I used to do karate back in the teen years and thaiboxing a few years ago and it was so much fun, I hope this will be too. And hope to get some of those anxieties, stress and aggressions out of me! This is one step towards my old self. Next I’ll dye my hair back to screaming red

My visit to the homeopathic doctor was quite a disappointment this time. She seemed to be clueless with what to do with me, and we only increased my dosage of sepia, no new remedies were prescribed. It felt like 70 euros flushed in the toilet. I’m thinking about switching from her to the acupunction since it seems much more efficient. I already emailed one chinese acupuncturist near us about his timetables and the costs, hopefully he’ll answer soon.

Wtf, did I ovulate without noticing it?

It’s CD 18. My bbt was 36.8C this morning. Yesterday it was 36.5C and the day before 36.9C. Days before the temperature varied from 36.3C to 36.7C. I got the “almost” positive OPK on the cd 13. Now my fertilityfriend suggests that I would have ovulated on CD13. But where were the ovulation pains, sore nipples and headaches then? If it’s over 36.7C tomorrow I’ll believe it’s true but I’m sceptic, I never ovulate this early. What is going on?! Is this an anovulatory cycle maybe? How can it be this difficult to interpret your own body?

The tooth isn’t aching anymore and I managed to go orienteering yesterday. I’m maybe the worst map-reader ever but I love running in the forest. I missed three spots this time so I totally sucked but neverthless I felt really good afterwards. I need to exercise much more, preferably outdoors. It will keep me sane in the middle of all this infertility shit