Comparing these two rounds

	First round	Second round
How long did it take	We started ttc in July 2007, treatments in August 2008, got first bfp 2nd May 2009 so it took us 1 year and 10 months.	I threw away bcp in June 2010 because my body didn’t co-operate with them anymore, got bfp 20th September 2011 so 3 rounds.
How did we get there?	Medically assisted FET after IVF (gonal-F, prednisone, progesterone supplies)	Using OPKs, eating vitamins and having sex
First positive hpt/hcg?	10dpt faint positive hpt, 12dpt hcg 24, 19dpt hcg 418	12dpo positive hpt, no clue of the hcg values
First early pregnancy symptoms?	Pissed off really badly, AF cramps, back pain, pms-feeling, huge zit on my face	Implantation spotting at 5-6dpo, tired, stuffed nose, high bbt, dizzy feeling when rising up
Symptoms in the beginning	Brownish spotting a few days, fatigue, hangoverish feeling	Spotting a few days, terrible fatigue, hangoverish feeling, much worse nausea than first round
Symptoms around the halfway	Feeling good and energetic, some cramps in calves during the night, terrible heartburn attacks	Tired, hungry, braxton-hicks from 17 weeks on if I work too hard, horrible back pain from 12 weeks after walking or when trying to get up frome the sofa
Face	Bad case of hormonal acne during the first trimester	Nothing too bad (yet)
Breasts	Grew from B-cup to D-cup	About D-cup now, grew really fast
Linea negra	Yep	Not visible (at least yet)
Stretch marks	On my ass but not on belly	No visible yet
Cravings	Everything fresh; fruit, juice, salad	Everything greasy and salty; hamburgers, french fries, potato crisps, sodas, ice-cream
Movement	Around 16-17 weeks	Around 17 weeks
Starting weight	56kg (123.2 lbs)	60kg (132 lbs)
Weight gain so far (about 22weeks)	+5.5kg (12.1 lbs)	+2.8kg (6.2 lbs)
Ending weight, total weight gain	71,5kg (157.3 lbs), +15.5kg (34.1 lbs)	No clue yet!
Sf-measurement around 22 weeks	22 cm	22 cm

1st pregnancy 21w4d

2nd pregnancy 21w3d

Gender

Had no clue beforehand it was a boy!

No we know what to expect

Second time around

This pregnancy has been different in many ways compared to my first one. The major difference being that while running after a 9 month old, running a business, doing freelancer work and studying for my Master’s on the side I simply don’t have time to think (or worry) about the pregnancy and baby a lot. And it makes me a little sad, since the first time everything was so exciting, spectacular and brand new and I was monitoring every possible symptom. Now I feel guilty that I’m not thinking about this newcomer enough and bonding with him/her. I know it’s silly since I’m only 9w1d preggo but that’s how I’m feeling. In a way this pregnancy still feels a inconceivable even though I’ve seen the heartbeat myself in the u/s.

Symptomwise it has been different too. I’m much more nauseous this time (although I’ve managed not to puke yet!). Especially around 10-12 AM after eating my breakfast. All smells make me want to vomit. Try changing a diaper full of poop or opening the dishwasher full of dirty dishes. YUCK.

The first weeks I was tired as hell but that seems to be getting a little easier now. Well I still hit the bed around 9PM. I’m also freezing all the time. Don’t have a pizza face this time, let’s hope it stays that way ! Where as first time around I was craving everything fresh; grapes, fruit juices, pineapple, this time it’s a totally different story. I’m dying for salami, crisps and BigMacs. Pass the salt and grease please! I’m sure the maternity nurse will be thrilled to hear about my diet lately…

How I got preggo in a normal way is still a mystery to us. RE suspected that the first pregnancy cured my endo so much that it was easier to conceive in a natural way. I also think that not having to work 9 to 5 and not having to stress about everything helped. Maybe as well the fact that after the pregnancy I couldn’t lose all the kilos I had gained and my BMI is now in the “normal” scale, not underweight.

We told DH’s family last weekend and my sister-in-law said she had already guessed by looking at me! WOOT?! I can’t be showing already! Must be all the salami I’ve enjoyed.

Not over yet

I seriously thought that this time it would be different; no worries about betas and I would just smoothly end up with a baby. Honestly, a second after I said to DH how nice it is not to worry so much this time the spotting started. Like a punishment from the universe for taking this too light-heartedly.

I’m not giving up hope though. Spotting ceased yesterday after the morning and today I’ve only had a little and it’s light. And I had terrible cramps with some light brown spotting last time too. But what worries me is that last time it was very light and yesterday it was dark brown with a hint of blood. To reassure myself  I did one of the digital hpts that tell you how far your pregnancy is and got pregnant 3+ (means 5 weeks and more). So that helped for a little while, at least my hcg levels are where they should be at this point.

The first u/s feels like lightyears away, it’s on 13th October. I hope we get that far without any further drama. And I hope so much to see that flickering heartbeat.

Of course

Of course this couldn’t be too easy.

I started brown spotting last night, accompanied with mild back and stomach pain.

TTC round 2

It’s so hot in here I would give my right arm for a normal Finnish summer. +30C (86F) the whole month is too much for us eskimos. People go crazy and drown in masses. Sure it’s nothing compared to Spain last summer. But enough is enough thank you very much. I’m not going outside anymore.

The first ttc#2 cycle is over. And guess what, I’m not pregnant. What a surprise!

This cycle was weird for many ways. CD1 started when I had forgotten to take one bcp and decided to throw the pack away even though I was on day 10 or something and hadn’t finished it yet. So I’m not even sure if I ovulated this month. Usually it’s really easy to pinpoint my ovulation even without OPKs; the pain is recognizable and sharp. Now I had a totally different kind of dull pain on several days so I have no clue whether I really ovulated or not.

And on top of that, AF totally caught me by surprise and arrived yesterday without any notice. Usually I know her coming a week beforehand from all lovely endo symptoms.

I have to admit that I am a little disappointed. Secretly I still wish for a magical natural pregnancy although I know that the odds are not on our side. A friend whose baby is now 8 months old got preggo right after starting ttc#2. I can’t even imagine how that must feel, to have your dreams fulfilled so easily.

I want to get preggo really badly. I want to be able to travel through that experience again. Unlike many other women, I enjoyed being pregnant a lot. I wasn’t too nauseous, too tired or too ill. I was thriving and loving my belly and kicking baby from the bottom of my heart. And of course the main reason is that we want to have a sibling for S. Another screaming, pooping and tantrum throwing lovely little monster that will drive us crazy.

I guess we’ll see for a couple of cycles if the natural miracle would fall on us. When If it doesn’t, we’ll move on to medicated IUI. And after that we have the chance for one FET. And after that it would be another fresh IVF cycle we honestly can’t afford since I spent all of granny’s inheritance on a new work computer.

I’m just going to blurt this out…

I posted this originally on May 23rd but wordpress somehow kept it unpublished.

I think I had a chemical.

I was waiting last week for AF to show for the second time after S’s birth so I could start bcps for endo.  She didn’t arrive on the day I was expecting her. There were some strange twinges in my uterus, my temps flew high (over 37c) and I had a feeling. So like any possessed poaser  I bought hpts. And got the faintest possible line, you know the kind you have to half imagine to see it. AF didn’t arrive on the next few days so of course I bought some more. And got again those imaginary lines on a few of them. My heart was racing like crazy. Could I be preggo? Omg are we going to have another baby and so soon?

Well I wasn’t preggo. Not for real anyway, AF showed up 5 days late and the hpts started to show nothing. But I believe I could have been pregnant for a second without any dildocams or hormones and that’s freaking amazing. Maybe I could get pregnant on my own. Or then again, maybe I was just imagining those ghost lines.

I started the bcps anyway. I know some might ask why not ttc right away? Because I don’t want to face any disappointments yet. I don’t want to start monitoring my body yet, counting the dpos, temping, hallusinating on symptoms, crying when AF arrives. TTC and relaxing don’t go hand in hand in my world. I start obsessing on the second I feel ovulation and can’t stop myself from checking all possible and impossible signs. So during this summer I’m going to enjoy my life and hope that endo stays under control. In the autumn we’ll hop on the ttc-train again but that will be another story.

I truly hope bcps will help with my endo. After S’s birth I’ve gotten now two periods and let me tell you, my left ovary has started a demonic life of its own. Feels like someone’s tied a knot there and keeps pulling it more tightly.

Along with the bcps breastfeeding is now totally over. I feel partly sad about this but try not to guilt myself too much. S has now started to taste some veggies and fruit; potatoes, carrots, bananas, plums and yesterday I treated him with strawberry. He’s such a big boy already. We watched a video footage from his first week and I had already forgotten that he was so tiny once.

One year ago

One year ago was one of the best days of my life so far. I still remember vividly the amazement and disbelief. Little did I know that the anxiety only would begin on getting a bfp. But we are now here so the rollercoaster was worth it.

I had the appointment with our RE and since me and dildocam haven’t been close for a while she did an u/s check on my ovaries. Turned out I had ovulated a little while ago and so dear AF visited me 10 days later for 9 DAYS. Biiatch! I wanted her to stay away longer as AF=endo growing back too. Someway I knew I’d be getting AF despite of breastfeeding. I admit, there was a small (crazy) spark of hope she wouldn’t arrive and I would be magically naturally pregnant again after one time of unprotected sex.. But no.

I guess I ovulated again last wednesday (kind of hard to ignore your body after numerous cycles of close surveillance) so at next CD1 I’ll start bcps once again to keep endo away.  This means breastfeeding will end in two weeks completely. It’s kind of sad since it has been one of the most intimate and close things I’ve shared with my son but he does appreciate the bottle much more than my milk machines and most times I try to breastfeed end up in him screaming his lungs off with anger.

We are thinking about cycling again next autumn since endo damage will be still low at that point and we’d love to have our children with a small age difference. Knowing our history it’s quite sure it’ll take some time for me to get preggo again although RE said she had a feeling I’m gonna be naturally preggo in no time…Hah!

S is almost 8kg already, he’s a happy, chatty, smiling and laughing baby and he loves his naps. I’ve got a lot of time for myself during the days as he sleeps happily 3 hours in a row, twice a day. Unfortunately he also likes to wake up at 5-6AM. And he wakes up several times during the nights so some days I’m tired as hell. He just learned how to grasp things with his hands and my hair is one of his favourite things to pull.

Good things

We went to see Truckfighters yesterday. It’s an amzing Swedish stoner-band with probably the most energetic live performances I’ve ever witnessed, if I hadn’t been pregnant I would have taken part in the moshpit myself. Gotta love them, it was the third time I saw them play. This summer has been some what active gig-wise, before Truckfighters  I’ve seen Faith no More and Metallica and one Finnish band that was my ultimate favourite in late 1990s/early 2000. They have quit some years ago and only did a few comeback shows this summer. Seeing them play made me almost feel like 17 again; when they got on stage I felt this huge wave of nostalgia splashing over me. And there is one certainly great gig ahead this month when other Finnish band (PMMP) is performing in Helsinki. Can’t wait! I don’t know if the baby can hear anything yet from the outside world but if she/he can, she’s certainly been exposed to some good music during this summer!

Something totally awesome: I was accepted to the Master’s Programme I applied to! And something even better: I got a new job! It’s a very simple one I’m over educated and qualified for with a ridiculously low wage and not even in my field of expertise but I’m still excited to get out of the house after six months of unemployment/sporadic freelancer assignments.  It only lasts until the middle of November but it’s perfect as I would quit working in the beginning of December anyway. I was very anxious whether they would hire me as I told them in the interview I was preggo but luckily it wasn’t a problem for them. I’ll start working already next week! Things seem very positive at the moment

We are looking for a bigger apartment to rent as this one is only 55 square meters with two rooms and a kitchen and already with us and 3 cats (one is staying at DH’s father) it’s very crowded. There might be one 3 room apartment in the same building and we are really hoping to get it with a decent rent. The problem is that the rents are sky high in Helsinki area and we really couldn’t afford paying 1000 euros a month.

Today we are going finally to tell DH’s father and mother (they are divorced) about the baby. DH has wants to tell them both personally and at the same day (if other one gets to hear earlier it will cause problems, believe me…) and this is the first time we actually have them both in the same town at the same time. Well there’s not so much to tell anymore, you can see it quite clearly on my belly…

I had the monthly visit with the nurse today, my regular one was on holidays but actually I liked this one much better, see seemed actually like a professional and not a goofy old lady my regular one is. Since last night I’ve had some nasty pain on the left side of my stomach but according to the nurse it’s just my uterus growing and/or my endo adhesions stretching. Blood pressure, weight, hemoglobin and the pee tests were all ok and hearing the baby’s heartbeat is always very touching and gives me a more trusting feeling towards this pregnancy. I felt some strong movements on Tuesday evening but after that only a few mild ones, she/he is probably in a different position now.

Have a great weekend everyone !

On the rollercoaster

Last week was horrible. Just plain awful. I was feeling like shit, crying all the time and feeling very crampy & bloated, my 2 most reliable af-symptoms. DH was working away from home and I had no work to do, so I basically just sat in front of the computer feeling miserable over yet another failure. There were honestly moments I thought I’m gonna lose my mind over this. I decided I can’t continue just staying at home, I need to have something to do. So out of the blue I applied for a school that’s starting next autumn It’s a Master’s programme about user-friendly interfaces in webshops etc, so perfect combined with our business. Which, btw, takes a new step on Monday as we are moving on to a more organized webshop platform. Go check it out (on Monday) at http://www.koruharakka.com

We celebrated the first of May festivites very peacefully this year, no parties or boozing since DH had to work and I didn’t want to go on my own and I’ve always hated crowded Helsinki center. I made mead (basically sugar, raisins and lemons brewed together), which is a traditionall 1st of the May drink in Finland, ate frankfurters (the official 1st of the May food) and visited my cousin who just moved near to us with her family. Yesterday morning we went geocaching with no luck, and I was again feeling awful and miserable.

I had bought some HPTs even though I knew the result beforehand, but I thought where’s the fun in all this if I can’t even poas at the end of the cycle! So I did poas this morning (10dp 3dt) just to get it out of my system. I didn’t even bother to look at the test, but just as I was ready to toss it in the trash can something caught my eye.

It looked different.

Like there was an extra line.

But sure as hell that can’t be.

The test must be broken somehow.

There’s no way I could be preggo.

I have no eps symptoms.

I feel JUST like AF-coming. Endo cramps, back pain, all that shit.

This has to be some kind of a joke the universe is including me in.

Who has peed on my stick?!!

I woke DH up, my hands and voice trembiling, and he saw the + sign too. I waited 3 more hours and did another. It looked the same. I made DH go to the pharmacy and buy me 2 more, and I’m gonna test tomorrow morning again.

It’s not sinking in. I can’t fathom this. On Monday I’ll have my beta but until then I’m not believing it to be true.

My cousin and her son came over this morning like we had made plans before. When she entered our appartment I said I have something to show her and held the HPT so she could see it. We were both crying as we hugged each other.

No gongratulations yet, please, it’s way too early. After failed cycles and lost hopes I just can’t start to celebrate yet.

But I can’t believe we actually got this far.

I honestly thought I’d never see a BFP in my life.

7 things… and some more

Dagny tagged me so here it goes:

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 things that people may not know about you.
3. Tag 7 people to share 7 things and link to them.
4. Let them know they have been tagged.

1) When traveling abroad, people always guess I’m Russian/Slavic because of how I look. To my knowledge, there’s no Russian blood in my family but who knows if I’d be related to the czars for that matter since my grandma was adopted and my other grandfather’s father remains a mystery!

2) I have four tattoos: an eye on my neck, a scarb next to my left thumb and two tribals on my back I have drawn myself

3) I used to drive sidecar motocross with my father when I was a teen.

4) I’m superstitious and believe in horoscopes and tarot cards.

5) I have orange belt in karate

6) I usually get along better with guys than girls

7) I play lottery almost every week

Since many of my blog-world friends have been tagged already, I’m not going to tag anyone particularly but you’re welcomed to do this too if you are reading

And to now to my (boring) life… Let’s see, nothing much than work happening here. The spring sun is incredibly bright and temptating but I have to sit inside the whole day. boo…

TTC-wise this cycle was a break for us (ok, I confess poasing on an OPK once because DH asked and what do you know, it was positive right that moment) and I’m expecting AF today or tomorrow. Endo-wise this has been a really easy cycle; I had my first cramps since O on Sunday so that meant a WEEK without cramping. WOHOO! Back pain was there of course already from the O.

We are still waiting for the blood test results, I’m going to call on Friday but I guess it’ll be too early. I asked my RE about the fact that there are infertile women in my family and whether you can inherit infertility. She said that there is a possibility that infertility transmits in the chromosome level and we can discuss this issue next time we see her. I know already what the chromosome shit means; more blood tests and probably PGD with our next IVF if they find anything wrong on that side. I have no idea how much PGD even costs here, probably a zillion with our luck.

On Sunday when driving home from my uncle’s birthday party we discussed adoption again with DH. The lines for domestic adoption are 3-5 years. The good side: it doesn’t cost anything and you can adopt a 2 months old baby. International adoption costs around 11 ooo euros and the children who are adopted are usually 2-5 years old. But it would be faster. Russian adoption is a bit challenging since they only adopt internationally children with special needs and many mothers of these children have been drinking throughout the pregnancy. I don’t know would that be too much to handle since we don’t have any experience of raising any children so far.

All in all, I’m more and more convinced that if all other means fail, we want to adopt. We want to have a family with DH and if that can’t happen biologically then we’ll do it differently. I guess it was seeing the advertisement of Finnish Unicef that made me realize it; the campaign is called “be a mother for a moment” and it raises funds to all abandoned children over the world. The text naturally made me cry:” Motherhood isn’t about biology. It’s a state of mind; the willingness to take care and raise a small person”. This is so true.

My uncle’s party was great; I love seeing my aunts and uncles and cousins and partying with them. It was only when we left to the bar on downtown when the evening started to go wrong because my BIL was acting like a complete jerk towards my sister. It made me so mad. But me and sis had great time as you can see