Addiction

Somebody tell me how I’ll kick my candy addiction? Yesterday I HAD to go to the video rental and buy an enormous bag of candy. I just couldn’t stop myself. I swear sugar is like heroin to me. I get so bad crawings some times I could crawl 10 km in pouring rain just to get a Mars bar. I’d probably even sell a relative to get some. Chocolate and liquorice are my worst weak spots.

I quit smoking 2,5 years ago and it was nothing like this. I never smoked a lot during the week, but usually when partying I smoked a pack in one evening. After quitting I’ve only slipped twice, and didn’t even like the taste anymore and I don’t miss my Barclay’s at all. Ok sometimes if a person smoking passes me in the street the scent of cigarette smoke can smell a bit temptating but the craving passes instantly.  I’m so happy about the new legislation that prohibits smoking in most restaurants, bars and nightclubs, because now my clothes won’t smell like a chimney after a night out.

But candy, it wins all my efforts to stay on the decent endo-friendly low-sugared path. My flesh is so weak!

A better day

Yesterday’s hormonal storm seems to be calming down. Luckily. I hate those days when I feel like a bag of emotional toxic waste and can’t control my feelings at all. Like yesterday while riding the bus to my graphic’s class, I had to fight with all my mental power the tears not to come. And I want to apologize to that trainee at Subway’s, I’m sorry I snapped at you because you tried to put tomatoes on my chicken teriaki sandwich when I had told you I didn’t want any. But that’s what infertile pms-bitches are like. Last two cycles were much better regarding the mood swings. Last month I didn’t have any of this shit.

I still have the cramps and I’m just waiting for AF to arrive but I’m feeling much better mentally. Ok, we didn’t succeed on the first round but we’ll move on to the next one. And maybe with some hormonal enhancements this time. I think the problem might be with implantation (either that or the fertilization), because I’m sure the ovulation part is working fine. So I’ll ask the doc could we add progesteron to the game since it should help the implantation process.

Yesterday’s graphic’s class was so therapeutic. Just what I needed; during those three hours I didn’t think about ttc for a second. I’ll post my new work as soon as I get it scanned!

I’m so glad it’s friday today and I have the weekend ahead of me. Today I’ll go see The other Boleyn girl with my cousin after work. It’s her first time out on her own after her son (my goodson) was born in April. Tomorrow one of our friends has a graduation party and I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun ! And we’ll also continue the filming of our horror movie tomorrow morning.

What comes to my endo-diet, I’ve slipped quite badly during the last few weeks. We’ve got a video rental place next to our workplace and you can buy candy pick’n'mix styled there. Needless to say, I’m a regular customer. Now that I started to think about it, maybe bringing chocolate back as a regular to my diet is causing the moodswings! Could it be?

And I’ll POAS tomorrow morning if AF hasn’t arrived before it. Just to make sure I can have my ciders with a peaceful mind.

Have a good weekend everyone, I’m gonna enjoy mine !

Total Awesomeness!

We went to see Kung Fu Panda on Friday after work. It was a totally awesome movie. Hilarious, entertaining, pretty cg eye-candy with good voice-acting. I <3 Jack Black. It was definetely his movie.

Before the film there were commercials as usual, and during one phone operator spot I almost burst into hormonal tears; it was about a nerdy little boy going to school for the first day and his mother taking him there. Of course I started thinking if I’ll ever get to take my child to school and wait for them anxiously to come home. And then I started to think what if I’ll finally get pregnant and we’ll get a girl and I’ll pass on all this endometriosis shit to her and she’ll have all these problems aswell? Luckily the movie was so good it took my faul mood away. The PMS-hormone attacks are a true bitch. One time pmsing I even cried when  Paul Potts was singing on the telly. Seriously. That’s sick.

After the movie we went to eat in a Greek restaurant and during a 5 minutes time I saw 3 pregnant women parading by the window rubbing their bellies. Couldn’t there be a law that pregnant women should stay at home or with their giant bellies?

The trip to Naantali was great even though the weather wasn’t. I’ll post some photos later. The villa was cosy and in the middle of the pretty old town. I envy the people who get to live there on a regular basis. We popped the champagne (though we are so ignorant we couldn’t really taste the difference to a chepaer bubbly) and had strawberries and chocolate with it and gave each other presents. I quess not quite the traditional wedding anniversary gifts but then again we are not the most traditional people either. My husband told me beforehand that he had picked a gift that he was sure would make me laugh. And of course I bursted into spontaneus laughter after opening the wrapping and seeing this:

The best gift really! I’ve been missing Brenda & Co so much these years We already watched the first episode yesterday. As we are games/movies/entertainment-junkies, my gift to my Husband was in a digital disc aswell.  We tried out some zombie-whacking yesterday evening, quite much fun!

On the Saturday evening we dined in a fancy restaurant and I slipped from my diet with the half a bottle of champagne, half a bottle of chardonnay, white bread, chocolate and the delicious panna cotta I had for dessert. You could say we truly enjoy eating. It was a great evening. I love my husband. And food. But now I’m back to my regime. Swear.

This morning while walking to the bus stop through the forest the weather felt so autumny. I love autumn but couldn’t we get more of summer than 2 days this year? The climate change messes everything up. No real summers anymore, no real winters with snow. Only gray, rainy days.

It’s CD24, temp was 36.9C this morning. Heavy cramps, massive back pain yesterday. I predict AF for this afternoon.

Just noticed that my sneakers smell like cat’s pee. Thanks guys.

Hope

I’m a total sucker for New Age (especially tarot…) and I visit Worldoffroud-oracle almost daily, although I know it’s not “real” tarot. The deck is however one of my favorites and I have it at home too. Today’s card made me feel quite good

“Starter Reading: Iris tells us that light is breaking through our present darkness, and that hope is a powerful factor in speeding up this process. She does not promise us that the storm is over, nor does she say that it will never storm again, but she does say that there is brightness and beauty here. She also tells us that there is something to be gained by this passage through the storm. And the sooner we learn what it is, the sooner the storm will end. Always, a passage through the storm is a time of potential growth, a time to allow the deadwood of our past to be blown away to make room for the green shoots of new growth. At this point, it is useful to ask ourselves what we still need to release and to look after protecting and nurturing the seeds we have planted. Iris suggests that the cultivation of patience may also be helpful at this time. The storm is breaking up. Are we ready for the change? If we are presently frogs, the faeries say, the time of our transformation, foretold by the rainbow, may be at hand. Then we shall be kissed by the puissant light of the sun–and discover if we are still frogs or if we have become something much more.”

Today we’re driving 3,5 hours to Pori after work, my husband’s other band has a gig there. Going there is quite nostalgic these days; it is the town where we studied for our Bachelor’s degrees, made a lot of friends and had the time of our lives.  Me and my husband met in 2001 when we started our studies there at the same class for Media and communications but it was only until 2004 that we started dating.  I met also three of my closest friends there, made two photo exhibitions and several short movies and other great projects with them. My husband is now a cameraman shooting and editing mostly news for two major Finnish channels as a freelancer, I’m a Graphic Designer/Pre-press operator in a cd/dvd production company. But I dream about that flower shop anyway

It’s cd 14 today, hoping for ovulation in a few days but we’ll see, no signs yet. I’ve learned now that I get the sore nipples already a few days before ovulation, not afterwards like I first thought. I guess it has to do with the rise of Estradiol. Yesterday I got a quite dark line on the OPK but not as dark as the control line. I do get visible lines throughout the cycle, interpreting them is somewhat interesting…

About the diet: Only a little chocolate at the movies (because I was really hungry and had to eat something.. Ok lame excuse!) but no other candies/ice-cream/cakes so far! Two ciders and a glass of sparkling wine on Wednesday and one cider yesterday at a heavy metal gig. Though I know that tonight there will be some drinking as we see our friends after a long time… No rice, potatoes or pasta, only salads, fruits and fish/chicken. No white bread, only the dark Finnish rye bread, which is actually quite good when you learn to like it. Only one cup of coffee every morning, none in the afternoon. Maybe I can do this

Endo-diet

Yesterday while surfing the net I came across the endo-diet.

“In general, there are a number of foods that women with endometriosis are advised to avoid.

Caffeine (i.e. coffee, tea)

Alcohol

Chocolate

Saturated fats

Butter and margarine

Drinks and foods with a high sugar content

Refined carbohydrates (i.e. pasta, bread, cakes, pastries)

Fried food”

And that list sums pretty much everything I enjoy. I need my coffee fix every morning and preferably in the afternoon too or else I get headaches and cannot function properly. I love apple cider, red wine and whiskey with coke. Not in excess (well sometimes that too, must admit) but I love them. I’m a notoriusly heavy user of chocolate. I eat candy almost every day. Cakes, pastries, white bread, yummm…
And now I should cut all the good stuff off.

Seeing this list made quite miserable. I’ve always been quite skinny (172cm/56kg) so I haven’t really had to pay any attention to what I’m eating. It’s not that I’d consume deep-fried Mars-bars for breakfast every morning, but I enjoy having delicacies quite often. You could say I have a huge sweet tooth. I don’t eat much junk food like burgers or fries, we usually cook wok or salad, fish or chicken during the week and then maybe something heavier in the weekend. Of course I knew before that excess alcohol, sugar and caffeine are bad for you in general, but seeing that they also make endometriosis symptoms worse was quite a bummer. And all my comfort foods are on the list

Already before seeing the list I had made the decision to cut off excess sugar and candies. But as my friend said, I destroy my mental health if I stress too much about what I’m eating and try to give up all the goodies at once, so now I’m trying just to decrease them in my diet. Only one cup of coffee in the morning, not so much chocolate (sigh) and less drinks and a lot of veggies and fruits.

Tonight we’re going to see the Dark Knight in a guest screening, my expectations are high because I’ve only heard praising so far. And afterwards we are invited to a party with free drinks. Maybe just ONE cider this time.