Fourth time lucky?

So it was, IUI#4 today. I had still peak positive OPK this morning and my temp was only 36.2C so we decided it wasn’t too late and made us an appointment. Everything was “suberb” again according to my RE; my lining (8.9mm), the timing, the sperm count (8 million) and motility (97% after the wash)… She said that’s there’s no reason we shouldn’t get pregnant. I just don’t believe in it anymore. The catheter hurt a little this time and in the afternoon I had some spotting. this has happened never before.

This time I ovulated from the left side, glad to see that side working too since 3 times in a row it was the right ovary popping the eggies! There was a big follicle on the right side too, but the one one the left was bigger and had already burst. I secretly wish that the right side will release an egg too, although I don’t know if that’s even possible.

After the iui I had an acupuncture appointment with a new acupuncturist; this time a Finnish old lady who looked like mrs. Santa Claus A symphatetic old hippie, I loved her! She’s also a gynecologist and specializes in treating infertility with acupuncture. The treatment she gave was super relaxing, I would like to see her again if I have money for that. It’s very uncertain will we receive our paychecks now after the bankruptcy…

The little gremlins are doing everything forbidden; hanging from the curtains, hanging from the laundry that’s drying, eating our plants and stealing our socks from the bedroom. So adorable

Cramps, bloody cramps…

I know AF is on the way. She’ll arrive on Monday or Tuesday. It’s CD 21 (8DPO), my luteal phase is 10-12, temp was 37.0C this morning and I’ve started to cramp more so everything is going just like each month before this, only that this cycle will be the shortest ever.

Sigh.

I won’t let this ruin the weekend. It’s our 1st wedding anniversary on 3rd August and we’re going on Saturday to Naantali, stay in an old villa, pop the bottle of Veuve Cliquot we got as a wedding present, eat something really good, enjoy and relax. Naantali is supposed to be the sunniest town in Finland but they’ve forecasted rain for Saturday. I hope it’ll be sunny neverthless!

6dpo?

It was 36.8 this morning, it’s CD19. So I guess I’m 6dpo or something. Well the cramps seem to be getting stronger so in less than an a week it’ll be CD1 again. What a pathetic short cycle!

Hope

I’m a total sucker for New Age (especially tarot…) and I visit Worldoffroud-oracle almost daily, although I know it’s not “real” tarot. The deck is however one of my favorites and I have it at home too. Today’s card made me feel quite good

“Starter Reading: Iris tells us that light is breaking through our present darkness, and that hope is a powerful factor in speeding up this process. She does not promise us that the storm is over, nor does she say that it will never storm again, but she does say that there is brightness and beauty here. She also tells us that there is something to be gained by this passage through the storm. And the sooner we learn what it is, the sooner the storm will end. Always, a passage through the storm is a time of potential growth, a time to allow the deadwood of our past to be blown away to make room for the green shoots of new growth. At this point, it is useful to ask ourselves what we still need to release and to look after protecting and nurturing the seeds we have planted. Iris suggests that the cultivation of patience may also be helpful at this time. The storm is breaking up. Are we ready for the change? If we are presently frogs, the faeries say, the time of our transformation, foretold by the rainbow, may be at hand. Then we shall be kissed by the puissant light of the sun–and discover if we are still frogs or if we have become something much more.”

Today we’re driving 3,5 hours to Pori after work, my husband’s other band has a gig there. Going there is quite nostalgic these days; it is the town where we studied for our Bachelor’s degrees, made a lot of friends and had the time of our lives.  Me and my husband met in 2001 when we started our studies there at the same class for Media and communications but it was only until 2004 that we started dating.  I met also three of my closest friends there, made two photo exhibitions and several short movies and other great projects with them. My husband is now a cameraman shooting and editing mostly news for two major Finnish channels as a freelancer, I’m a Graphic Designer/Pre-press operator in a cd/dvd production company. But I dream about that flower shop anyway

It’s cd 14 today, hoping for ovulation in a few days but we’ll see, no signs yet. I’ve learned now that I get the sore nipples already a few days before ovulation, not afterwards like I first thought. I guess it has to do with the rise of Estradiol. Yesterday I got a quite dark line on the OPK but not as dark as the control line. I do get visible lines throughout the cycle, interpreting them is somewhat interesting…

About the diet: Only a little chocolate at the movies (because I was really hungry and had to eat something.. Ok lame excuse!) but no other candies/ice-cream/cakes so far! Two ciders and a glass of sparkling wine on Wednesday and one cider yesterday at a heavy metal gig. Though I know that tonight there will be some drinking as we see our friends after a long time… No rice, potatoes or pasta, only salads, fruits and fish/chicken. No white bread, only the dark Finnish rye bread, which is actually quite good when you learn to like it. Only one cup of coffee every morning, none in the afternoon. Maybe I can do this

Endo-diet

Yesterday while surfing the net I came across the endo-diet.

“In general, there are a number of foods that women with endometriosis are advised to avoid.

Caffeine (i.e. coffee, tea)

Alcohol

Chocolate

Saturated fats

Butter and margarine

Drinks and foods with a high sugar content

Refined carbohydrates (i.e. pasta, bread, cakes, pastries)

Fried food”

And that list sums pretty much everything I enjoy. I need my coffee fix every morning and preferably in the afternoon too or else I get headaches and cannot function properly. I love apple cider, red wine and whiskey with coke. Not in excess (well sometimes that too, must admit) but I love them. I’m a notoriusly heavy user of chocolate. I eat candy almost every day. Cakes, pastries, white bread, yummm…
And now I should cut all the good stuff off.

Seeing this list made quite miserable. I’ve always been quite skinny (172cm/56kg) so I haven’t really had to pay any attention to what I’m eating. It’s not that I’d consume deep-fried Mars-bars for breakfast every morning, but I enjoy having delicacies quite often. You could say I have a huge sweet tooth. I don’t eat much junk food like burgers or fries, we usually cook wok or salad, fish or chicken during the week and then maybe something heavier in the weekend. Of course I knew before that excess alcohol, sugar and caffeine are bad for you in general, but seeing that they also make endometriosis symptoms worse was quite a bummer. And all my comfort foods are on the list

Already before seeing the list I had made the decision to cut off excess sugar and candies. But as my friend said, I destroy my mental health if I stress too much about what I’m eating and try to give up all the goodies at once, so now I’m trying just to decrease them in my diet. Only one cup of coffee in the morning, not so much chocolate (sigh) and less drinks and a lot of veggies and fruits.

Tonight we’re going to see the Dark Knight in a guest screening, my expectations are high because I’ve only heard praising so far. And afterwards we are invited to a party with free drinks. Maybe just ONE cider this time.

1st appointment to the fertility clinic…in a month

I made the call this morning, and now we have to wait just another MONTH to get to the clinic. 21st August, 10.30 AM.

I’m going to bring the pile of paper with doctors statements about my endometriosis and infertilitas primaria with me, plus I’m going to print out all my bbt charts with my notes about backache and cramps from hell that last the whole month, thank you endometriosis. One whole month of waiting just for an appointment with an interview. And this was the more expensive clinic. I wonder how long the lines are for treatments then. But anyway, now I at least feel we are going somewhere. Slowly, but onward anyway.

Choosing clinics and ranting

It was quite an overstatment to say I would google “all” the private fertility clinics in Helsinki. There are like 4 of them. And of course all are closed during this month for the holidays, so more waiting ahead, looks like it’ll be at least one natural cycle before treatments after all.

We narrowed our options to two of them. I don’t know which one we will choose, other is more expensive but there we wouldn’t have to wait so much. IVF costs around 1900 euros (2950$) in the first and 1500 euros (2330$) in the other clinic. The prices are the ones we pay after government’s part has been reduced so the real prices are almost 1000 euros higher. The government pays a part of infertility treatment for couples with woman under 40 in Finland. Both clinics seem professional and have had good feedback in the discussion boards I’ve been reading. 400 euros is a lot of money for us but of course I want to have the best possible treatment and results. Why do I need to ponder these things? Why I can’t just get pregnant like a normal woman?

I visited a friend and her 5 months old son yesterday. Seeing babies doesn’t really hurt me so much, as seeing pregnant women does. My friend told me about a friend of hers who got pregnant after like one month of trying and who is now totally sick of motherhood and lets her mother-in-law take care of the baby and still complains how difficult and demanding it is and gave up nursing after one month so she wouldn’t be so attached to the baby and could have more social life. Now the baby is 3 months old and she got herself a workplace for the summer so that she wouldn’t be so isolated from her social circles. Seriously, why people like this deserve to get pregnant, why??

Yesterday afternoon while driving home I said to my husband that this month was better, only one hormonal desperation-crying-seizure before the menses. Of course in the evening I got hit by one gigantic burst of those.

I hate this

cd2. This sucks, really.

I’m going to google all fertility clinics in Helsinki and start calling tomorrow.

Holiday pictures and bad dreams

More pics from our holiday can be found on Flickr. I want to go back. At work there’s nothing to do and everyone else is leaving on holiday. I have 2 days off next week because of my little sister’s wedding, I’m her maid of honour. In Finland there’s not usually an army of bridesmaids as in the US, but only one or two maids of honour. I found a beautiful mermaid-styled fuxia red dress from the sales for the occasion, it’s made of silk and the colour is awesome.

Yesterday my parents were visiting us. I know that my infertility is a huge disappointment for them also, and that makes it feel even more bitter and sad. They have been asking and hoping for grandchildren for some 4 years now, but stopped the asking when I told about my laparoscopy and endometriosis. I think my news scared the shit out of them. I would want my future children to get to know their grandparents and have them around in their lives as long as possible. My other grandfather died when I was 6, other was an alcoholist who remained distant until his death at 2001. My mother’s twin sister was never able to conceive, as weren’t two of my granny’s sisters either and mom suspected that granny’s sisters had endo, as they had had some surgery done in their youth. Although I don’t know how long has laparoscopy/laparotomy been available for endo. It’s fucked that the disease has been known from the 19th century and still doctors haven’t been able to find out how it really works and how it could be cured. If it was men who suffer from this, there would have been a cure a hundred years ago, I’m sure.

A while ago I had a dream, where my sister (she’s 1,5 years younger than me and as mentioned above, getting married in a week) announced me that she was pregnant after 1 month of trying. In the dream I totally flipped and screamed and cried how unfair it was. I really hope I can manage my feelings if/when she announces those news and not become some bitter psycho-bitch. Of course I want her to be able to have babies but as everyone suffering from this shit knows, it’s sometimes just too much to asked to be happy for other’s luck. My granny asked me and my sister a couple of months ago when will we have babies. Ok, she’s old and not totally well anymore but still it was difficult to hold my tears. My sister said then that I will have mine before hers.

We went to a Russian restaurant with my folks, I love russian food and the cosy, decorative 19th century atmosphere that is lacking from Finnish restaurants. I ate and drank so much I thought I was going to explode. A nice evening anyway and today I’m gonna have some russian sparkling wine in the evening and head to the city and party. The cramps are BAD and I know there’s no need to do any HPT.

CD1 lurking around the corner

I had high hopes that I would have fooled the lady in red this cycle, but no, she has managed to follow me despite all my attempts. This evening’s tearful hormone attack assured me with the familiar back pain and cramps, that she’s just around the corner, a few days away. Fuck this. It’s 8dpo, my usual luteal phase is 11 days so I guess it’ll be Sunday bloody Sunday.

We decided not to wait another natural cycle anymore, but to arrange an appointment to an infertility clinic some time soon.  With my endometriosis and family history there’s really no reason just to wait and see anymore, I want stronger guns to fight this all-consuming infertility.