Does desperation count as eps?

I feel just like af coming, no sore nips anymore, just cramps and feeling like shit.

Monkeys in a car

I had two strangest dreams last night. In the first one I was in Helsinki trying to get to DH who was in the other side of town and I was stoned out of my mind,felt really dizzy and nauseous and woke up sweaty and thirsty.

Second one was maybe the craziest ever; I was walking with DH in a street at night/evening and a car that looked like an old VW beetle stopped by me. The car was full of monkeys and they wanted to give us a ride home. On the way home we got into a car crash and the rest of the dream I can’t really remember.

I know vivid dreams can be a eps but since it is perfectly normal for me to have dreams like these I’m not counting on it.

Symptoms yesterday:

• Sore nipples
• slightly sore bbs (especially in the evening)
•  a little af-kind of cramping, less than 4dpt
•  backache
•  bloated pms-feeling
•  chilliness, fluish feeling
•  ovarian twinges
•  weepyness when watching the oscar-show re-run on tv
•  acne (as usual)
•  crazy dreams

Symptoms today:

•  Sore nipples
•  af-kind of cramping, more than yesterday
•  backache
•  bloated pms-feeling
•  slight nausea (because of progesterone supplements)
•  acne

I’m going home today after working for 3 days with the animations. If only this piece of shit computer would render faster I’d get there sooner.

Most of the time I’m desperate and ready to lose hope. And still there’s a very small spark of hope inside of me that says not to give up yet.

Crazy 2ww-biaatch, 4dp3dt

That’s me. This must be how schitzophrenia feels like; one minute I’m sure the cramps and pms-ish feeling I’m having means this was a no go, next second I feel a “twinge” that gives me hope: “maybe it was the embryo”.

Symptoms so far:

0 dpt mild back pain But since I got it already like 5 hours after transfer I’m not going to care about it this cycle. Screw you endo! Sore nipples.

1-2 dpt twinges and pinches in uterus, heavy feeling in lower abdomen, sore nipples, mild back pain

3-4dpt twinges and pinches in uterus, heavy feeling in lower abdomen, ovarian twinges, sore nipples, more back pain, very familiar cramps , bloated, pms-ish feeling, running nose and fluish feeling. Temp 37 C.

One week to beta. I’ve googled way too much. I swear, I have felt the embryo. I wish she/he is still alive and kicking and all the shit I’m feeling is just implantation. Yeah right, the power of self-denial.

I just want so much this to work.

I’ve got…

someone on board I am so extremely happy, excited and relieved. We made it this far! Honestly, I was so sure there wouldn’t be anything to transfer and when the doctor (my RE is on holidays) said “everything looks good” a million kilos dropped off my shoulders.

8 of the 9 cells fertilized so apparently ivf was sufficient. All embies continued dividing, but some of them were too sluggish/produced poor quality embies so in the end we had this one 9-celled transfered today and 4 (1 9cells, 1 8cells, 2 7cells) frozen. I feel blessed for this opportunity. This is the closest to being preggo I’ve ever been, I’m so sure there were no embies in my uterus before this. As a token of good luck I wore this ring for the transfer:

My precious ring

The ring is of gold and zircons and not worth much in money. For me it’s priceless. I got the ring from my grandmother’s sister on the day of my confirmation in 1996.  She had gotten it as a graduation gift in 1958.  She had endo as well and was never able to conceive, and of course the treatments in 1960s/1970s were totally different from the ones we have now. Sadly she passed away because of breast cancer in 2005.  As I’ve written before, as paradoxical as it sounds, there’s a history of infertile women in my mother’s side’s family. Three of granny’s sisters, my mother’s twin sister, my mother’s god-daugther, now me. I wish I can be the one to break the chain. I wore the ring out of respect to all these women in my bloodline and I’m sure granny’s sister was there in spirit to support me.

The blood test will be on 2nd March. No poasing before it!

Darling inside, stay with us.

Didn’t…

make that call. So I have no idea will there be anything to transfer tomorrow, I’ll just go there and we’ll see. I figured if I’d make that call today there’s still a chance that the embie(s) can die over night (if there are any embies at all to begin with!). The optimist in me… On the bright side, no call from the clinic either, I guess they would have called if everything would be screwed. But who knows.

I’m feeling ok, a little bloated maybe. Nipples still sore but not as sore as few days before. I’m on progesterone since yesterday morning, 2×200mg vaginally twice a day. For some strange reason I haven’t caught the dizzyness yet. Going crazy for staying home for too many days in a row, luckily tonight there’s a music quiz at the pub and I’ll be attending with friends. Only going to drink a glass of red wine, that’s good for you right ?

Planning to go see Metallica & co. on Sonisphere-festival next summer, see how convinced I am not going to be preggo then…

Tomorrow afternoon I’ll be much wiser and promise to update if there are any embies on board or not

9

ER went smoothly, I didn’t hurt at all thanks to the heavy dosage of sedatives and painkillers they pumped into me. Still feeling a little tired and dizzy so I make it short:

We got 9 eggies. I’m not exactly thrilled about the number, I was hoping it to be a little higher. There were 15 follies at retrieval so 6 vere empty or too small. Well, 9 is still an ok number, but I know that not all of them are going to fertilize and not all fertilized are going to grow… DH’s sample was good and responded well to the washing so RE said there’s no need to icsi. I hope she’s right. So now we are “only” doing ivf, and at this moment our little cells are getting to know each other on the petri dish. Get together! Fertilize and divide!

Transfer will be 1.30 PM on Thursday. They won’t phone us with the fertilization report, either we can call on Wednesday afternoon or then just wait for the appointment on Thursday. I still haven’t figured out whether to call or not.

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow will be our next step on this crazy IVF-ride. My head is full of questions, expectations and worries. Will it hurt like hell? Will DH give a good sample? How many eggies will we get? How many will fertilize? Will we make it to the transfer? I’m really going crazy over this.

DH has had a terrible flu the whole weekend, I had some fluish symptoms too but luckily not anymore. I’m afraid that DH not being totally well will diminish our chances somehow. I promised not to count the odds but here I am again, pondering the procentual probability for succeeding.

Trigger shot was yesterday evening, I was so nervous my hands trembled while shooting it, if DH hadn’t been there to prepare the shot I sure as hell would have dropped all the drugs to the floor and messed the whole thing up. Just knowing that this shot can only be done in a certain strict time frame, otherwise the cycle will be screwed, was too much for me.

Now my belly is a bit swollen, moving is quite unpleasant and my nipples are still really sore. And abundant cm still present. To my biggest surprise I haven’t really had any mental side effects from the drugs; no mood swings, no crying seizures, nothing. Maybe a bit more emotional than usual, yes, but nothing worth mentioning.

So, tomorrow we’ll wake up at 6AM, drive to the clinic in morning traffic jam for 30 minutes and DH is scheduled to give his sample at 7.30. I will give a blood sample and the transfer will be at 9AM. Then an hour or so resting and we’ll meet with RE who’ll tell us the results so far. Let them be good ones. We will also decide then whether it’ll be ivf or icsi.

The spring sun is here and like every year, it is making me very restless and hopeful. The massive amount of light after a gloomy, long winter always drives me wild. For me spring has always been about new chances, high hopes and new possibilities. I can’t really describe the feeling I get when seeing the spring sun, it radiates a special light that makes me feel much more alive. Of course it’s not really spring yet with all the snow and colness, but the sun is like a promise of the forthcoming summer. My most favourite part of spring is late April and I know nothing more beautiful than maple flowers before they start to turn into leaves.

ER getting closer…

Final u/s was this morning, there are now 17 follies measuring 16-17mm. Retrieval is scheduled on Monday at 9AM and I’ll do the Pregnyl shot at 8PM on Saturday. I’m sure I will mess it somehow with the two little ampules and two needles and the strict time limit.. Fuuuuuuuck! First when I saw the mixing needle I thought it was the one I would have to stab myself with… DH was presrcribed a heavy dose of antibiotics for Sunday morning. Transfer (please please let us make it that far!) will be on Thursday.

And of course I’m totally scared about the retrieval. RE keeps saying there’s no need and it won’t hurt a bit but I’ve read so many horror stories (thanks again, dr. Google!) so I know it can be living hell. At the moment I have a heavy feeling on my ovaries, not too bad so I can still move quite normally. My nipples became really sore yesterday and I’m producing ridiculous amounts of ewcm (I’m sure you all were dying to know this).

I had a meeting with a possible freelancer employer yesterday at a company where one of my ex-colleagues transfered to. I really hope they will have work for me in the future, the place was nice and everyone seemed relaxed and easy to get along with. Plus the work would be interesting and I would already know how to do it.

After the meeting I had to visit the unemployement office, which is really just a time-consuming act of pointless bureocracy. I spent one hour waiting to see the the officer (even visited post office while in queu) for five minutes, she just wrote a few sentences on the database and now I “officially have a plan for employment”. GREAT. What that actually means is that I will be allowed to get a bigger unemployement benefit. Which I will have to wait for at least one month for since I can’t even apply for it yet because I haven’t been unemployed for two weeks. Gotta love this red-tapism.

Our work project with DH went well, no fights on the professional points of view Our employers loved my animations and we will continue the project on February 23rd.  Great to have something to take my mind of the (possible) 2ww.

This afternoon I’m meeting a friend who just moved to Helsinki, tomorrow cousin and her son will come to visit us and rest of the weekend will be spent relaxing and obsessing trying not to obsess about next week. Thank you all for your supportive comments, I promise to keep you updated

15!

We’ve got 15 follies measuring 8-10 mm according to this morning’s dildocam operation. Lining was 6,2. I’m really really pleased that things have gone so well so far. I just hope they will proceed this way! I’ll continue with the same dosage (150 ius of Gonal-f daily and one dosage of nasal spray every 12 hours) since I’m responding well. Next u/s is on Friday and ER probably already on next Monday! Yaikes! And if we make it to the transfer, it’ll be on Thursday. I am SO fucking scared. Please please please let this work.

I’ve start to feel my ovaries too, not really painful yet but a little uncomfortable. I guess on Monday I’ll be ready to burst.

Advertisement

There’s a link on the right side of this page, it takes you to my Etsy-shop. In order to fund our if-treatments I’m selling my art graphic prints to anyone interested. All pictures are originals, designed and hand-printed on thick quality Hahnemüle paper by me. The prints are sold unframed since it would be too expensive and risky to mail glass-framed pictures, especially abroad. I will sign the prints before shipping if they aren’t signed already.

Today I’ve added two “Imperfect Eve” prints to my sales catalogue, other (below) in darkish blue and other in greenish blue. This picture measures 3.9 x 3.9 inches, paper about 10.2 x 9.4 inches. These prints cost 30$ each + 7$ for shipping. Imperfect Eve is one of my personal favourites of all the prints I’ve ever made, maybe because it’s about such a personal and painful theme.

Imperfect Eve

If you are interested in any of the prints in other colours, leave a comment with your contact information

Edit: Dark blue sold already, Greenish one still available!