AF is here, so it’s the official CD1 of my ivf/icsi-cycle!
Holy shit, we are actually, really doing this! Next week I’ll start poking the needles. Nasal spray will continue along with the gonal-fs until trigger shot.
I’m scared as hell.
But a little bit excited too.
As I’ve written before, I’m not so keen on public transport. To get to my workplace it takes about 40 minutes with two different buses. This morning, in the sardine-packed commuter hell I suddenly realized: I don’t have to take this shit for much longer anymore, as my contract ends 5th February! And I started to think all the other good things about not going to work.
Doesn’t sound too bad 
The only things I will miss are my great co-workers; two guys who started at the same time with me and with whom I’ve had so much fun and of course the MONEY.
Something funny happened on Sunday. There was a documentary film festival going on last week. I wanted to book ticket to a screening on Sunday for a documentary about Finnish nuns. I messed with the dates and had to change my ticket to a film called “Everything is relative” that was screened on Sunday. Well, Sunday morning I went to collect my ticket (I had paid it on the net before hand) and didn’t look at it, just went to the theatre. When the movie was about to start a person came in front to announce the following title. It definetely was not “Everything is relative”. It was called “Mysterion”. Well, maybe this is a short film before the actual title I thought. A few minutes passed and I realized that it was not a short movie. I was in the wrong fucking theatre. Actually in the wrong building too. But since the movie had already started and I thought what the hell, I’ll watch this instead even though I had no idea what the title would be about. And here comes the good part; it was a documentary about nuns! Only Estonian ones 
I guess the universe had meant for me to see something about nuns after all!
Yesterday we went to see “the Wrestler”. Mickey Rourke was amazing. Truly a movie worth watching.
On the ivf; it’s CD28, I’m having some cramps so I guess it’ll be AF soon. I also have a terrible headache but I guess it’s because we didn’t have any coffee at home this morning so I missed my daily fix. Next Tuesday is the first u/s and I’ll start the Gonal-fs. I talked with my parents on the phone and mom asked about our if-treatments. I told about the ivf-schedule and how everything is costing a zillion. Mom said that if we run out of money for the treatments, they will help us and we won’t have to pay back. I was so relieved to hear this, it was like a huge weight off my back. Because we only have the money for one round of ivf and there’s no guarantee it will work. I feel blessed that they are willing to participate.
Little did I know when I stated on my post yesterday that it was a matter of days that we would be sacked. That time, it was actually a matter of hours. We got the layoff papers yesterday afternoon.
Don’t feel sorry for me because I sure as hell don’t. Ok, financially this is a huge challenge, but otherwise it’s the kick on the butt I’ve been waiting for. I have no idea of my career in the future and at the moment I’m liking it. Scary? Yes. Exciting? You bet.
Through unemployement office it might be possible to get to try on new occupations as an apprentice while cashing in the unemployement benefits. I’d like to try working in a flower shop because it’s been my dream for so long. For a while I dreamt about being a confectioner but then I realised they have to start working like 3AM in the morning so that was that then.
My work history began at the age of 15 when I had a summer job in a photo shop. I ended up working in different photo shops during summers/holidays until 2005 when we moved to Helsinki. Actually it would be fun to try that again too, although the business doesn’t feel the same now that everything has gone digital. I used to love developing films. When we moved to Helsinki I worked 6 months in a video game store and then quit because I wanted to something that I’d been studying for. I started in my current position in April 2006, so I spent almost 3 years here. I’ve never been unemployed before. In a way it feels quite liberating
It’s CD 23 and the 3rd day of suppression (sniffing). No side effects so far; I was prepared at least for the hot flashes. The drug description also promised that the drug can cause “male hair growth”. Maybe I’ll wake up one morning with a mustasch or a beard. Awesome. Actually the same drug is used to treat severe endometriosis so I guess it can help the situation a little.
I visited the employement agency this morning, it’s a matter of days now when we’ll be laid off. I’m going to have so much trouble when applying for my allowance because of the company we have with my sister and because I’m still enrolled into an university. Fuuuuuuck. It’ll take at least one month for them to process my papers. One month without any money. GREAT. And I really can’t apply to any jobs before knowing how this will end. So frustrating.
Luckily it’s Thursday and I have the graphics class this evening; something to take my mind off from all of this. Tomorrow I’ll probably buy a large box of ice-cream and spend the evening on the sofa between four cats and watch some chick flick as DH will be away the whole weekend making a record with his band.
It’ s a known fact that Finns are extremely jealous of their Swedish neighbours. Compared to our shy, self-aware and grumpy nature and constant dwelling in misery the Swedes seem to confidently succeed in everything they do, preserving their manners always and holding a perfect smile throughout their lives. Finland was a part of Sweden from the 13th century until 1809 (when we became a part of Russia). We have a Swedish speaking minority of 6% and the majority sees them as snotty, rich elite who only play amongst their own. After all, they represent the Swedish super humans with their perfect tans and sailing pullovers.
Swedes have H&M (I remember the first time visiting one in Stockholm, it was like heaven back in 1994). They actually own half of the clothing retail shop chains in Finland. Swedes had Roxette (my first favourite band ever). They had ABBA. They have Volvo. When our teams play ice-hockey against each other, the swedes always make magical 4 goals during the last 30 seconds and win. Greta Garbo, Ingrid Bergman, Kirsten Dunst, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Uma Thurman all have Swedish roots. The only celebrity we have with Finnish roots is Pamela Andersson. Fuck, they even have stolen our meatballs. They are FINNISH, not Swedish. And then they have Ikea.
Ikea is the Swedish conspiracy to lure people with affordable prices to turn their homes into miniature Swedens. Everything is functional, simple and stylish in a low-key manner. Ikea is also the shop where you are most likely to get into a fight with the person you are going there with. I don’t know if they spray something into the air that turns people crazy. Or maybe it’s just the frustration that us finns as customers develope when encountering the Swedish dream. I’ve experienced and witnessed this Ikea-syndrom several times when visiting the shop. I’ve had crazy fights on home decoration with my ex there, I’ve seen my sister having crazy fights with her ex over stupid furniture. I’ve seen strangers fighting over discount bowls. The place always get’s my blood pressure to the hights. Like yesterday too.
Me and DH had planned to get new curtains to living room. I looked up Ikea’s homepage and they had nice-looking, red panel curtains with a cheap price. So we decided to visit the shop yesterday after I got off from work. Our gps didn’t know Ikea (maybe it was designed by jealous Finns who just wanted to leave it off the map) but luckily we somehow remembered how to drive there. We skipped the furniture exhibit part and headed straight to the shop part. You would think finding a specific product with its name written on a piece of paper would be easy.
Wrong answer! Anno Tupplur just didn’t want to be found. We walked a circle in the textiles section (it’s not that big even) for 15 minutes swearing like sailors. Where the fuck are those curtains? All we could find was normal curtains, not the panel ones. We left the section and finally found one clerk (she was the only one in the 10000 km2 shop I guess) who told us to go back to the section we left. We walked the same circle for about 10 more minutes and I witnessed a crazy fight with a teenage girl and her mother about what color of curtains should the daughter purchase. Then DH came to me with a red roll in his hand. It was the curtains packed in a plastic roll. I went to look the examples they had hanging just to notice that they were too wide and would have required sewing. So no curtains for us. Of course you can’t exit Ikea empty-handed, so we bought a few storage boxes and some towels to the bathroom.
Ikea also earns the place for my top 5 of worst places for an infertile. Yep; a zillion preggo bellies there.
Assembling the Ikea goods together is a whole another story. The parts never fit, there’s always a few screws missing from the package and you’ll have to use brutal force to get your Dippa-Dappan into something resembling distantly a piece of furniture. And yes; we still are extremely jealous that Ikea wasn’t a Finnish invention.
I do have Ikea book shelf. And towels. And bowls. And picture frames. And curtains. Ok, I’ve selled a part of me to the Swedish satan because I don’t have money to shop elsewhere. But they haven’t been able to turn me into an optimistically smiling, tanned sailor yet.
Yaikes, tomorrow it all begins! It still isn’t sinking in properly, that we are actually doing this. It just doesn’t feel like it’s happening to me. I guess by the time I’lle be poking the needles in me it’ll be quite hard to ignore the fact that it’s my belly where the needles sting into. I’ll be taking the nasal spray every 12 hours. Because my memory is like cottage cheese I have to put a reminder on my cell for every day. DH pointed out to RE that he’s lucky not to be the one who has to take all the meds in special order and given times because he’d be sure to use them in the wrong order and wrong times
On Friday we took my sis and her hubby to the airport as they left to Vietnam for 2 weeks. I was SO jealous. Flying off to an exotic, warm place would be just what I need right now. Travelling is an essential part of me and it makes me incredibly sad that we won’t have money to any trips abroad this year. All my best memories are associated with travel; my first interrail trip at 16, another with my cousin a few years later, spending the 5 months in the Netherlands, last summer’s vacation in Slovenia… I’m still sometimes playing with the thought of doing an interrail trip again although I know too well I don’t have the stamina of a 16-year old any more and sleeping on a train’s floor after partying the whole night would probably be too demanding. I love trains though; even traveling the two hours by train to my sister’s gives me a certain satisfaction; the feel of moving from a place to another; the opportunities of travel it represents.
On Saturday I went with my friend J to a film festival to see a document about the extreme capitalism in today’s Russia. It told the story of three russian girls; one was selling her virginity on the internet, another participated in a big brother-like reality show and third one dreamed of becoming the next Madonna, only ending up as a stripper in a worn off club a little later. Very thought provoking and interesting to watch.
We had a tough kickboxing training yesterday; 45 minutes of technique and then another 45 minutes of exercise (sit-ups, push-ups, skipping rope..) No wonder I feel like a train has ran over me. When I’ll start the injections I’ll stop training during the ivf-treatment. Well hopefully for a much longer time
We had FINALLY the appointment with our RE to discuss the IVF. She described the treatment step by step (of course I already knew most of it, thanks to the internets) and made a schedule for us. We’ll be doing probably ICSI on some of the eggs because of DH’s high antibody levels. He’ll also have to take antibiotics to get those levels down before giving his sample. I’ll be starting the suppression already on next Tuesday.
I know I should be thrilled and excited about this new opportunity and better chances but actually, at the moment, all I feel is numb and a little sad that we’ve had to come this far. Having had my hopes crushed so many times already I can’t see how this time would be any different. I’ve even tried stupid visualizations of me getting the two lines and I’ve repeated to myself over and over again “this will work, we will have a baby”. But let’s face it, there’s a good chance this will fail too. I feel I want to have the whole IVF-thing over and done with so I can concentrate on something else, I’m so tired of all this ttc-business. Ok there’s a small person inside of me that is a little excited about the possibility to have a baby this way. I only wish that she grew bigger and louder.
The schedule goes like this:
I already visited the pharmacy to get the nasal spray. It cost fucking 175 euros. The Gonal-F’s will cost over 300 euros one supply and I’ll need three. We are so going bankrupt over this. I feel I’m in a limbo of uncertainty at the moment; I can’t focus on getting a new job before I’ll know how this IVF-business will go. I have no fucking idea what will my life be like after two months.I still have my current job but maybe only for a few weeks, nobody seems to know for sure. If the IVF fails I’ll be crushed and forced to come up with a brilliant idea for my future, if it succeeds there’s quite a small chance to get a new job; a pregnant woman isn’t exactly the dream employee for most of the companies. Ok actually if ivf succeeds that’s all that matters.
Is this really my life? Can I have a refund or trade this to something else? I’m not happy with what I got here.
We bought nordic walking poles. That is like the most middle-aged sport you can do. Now we are only missing matching track suits. Ha. So far we’ve gone walking three times (about 20km in total) and it feels really effective compared to “normal walking”. I can feel the jammed muscles on my shoulders starting to loosen up a little. What astonishes me is why my butt hurts so much from all this exercise? Am I using wrong muscles for walking or something?
We’ve had some beautiful winter days, the temp is around -10C to -15C and the sun is shining. Not much snow really but the ground is frosty. Seeing the sun makes me feel so much better; now that the days are growing longer again I feel there is some hope in the air and I just can’t wait for the spring and summer to arrive. I want to go orienteering again, I want to go to the beach, I want to wear all my cute summer clothes.
Today I took my old Pentax (it’s a SLR-camera from the 70s and really the best camera I’ve ever had) and headed to a place we went walking a few days ago. Last time I didn’t have a camera with me and the scenery was so beautiful I swore I’d have to come back. The sun was going down around 3PM and you could see the silhouttes of factories and buildings across the bay; a very graphic vision I’d love to reproduce with aquatint too. I spent almost two hours outside with my camera and ate the frozen christmas chocolates I had brought with me as my provision. I need to have moments like this; just me alone doing stuff I love.
Like last Friday, after slacking home for too many days I decided it was time to get out and put even some make-up on and left to the city when DH went to work. I had a date with myself I went to see two art exhibitions, visited the library and visited a coffee house. First I went to see an art exhibition of he Finnish artist of the year Samuli Heimonen. I didn’t know a single thing about the artist or his works and I must admit I was a bit sceptic when going there; after all I usually hate most of modern art. But there was something hypnotic in his paintings and I liked his style a lot.
After the exhibition I hopped on the tram and went to the library. I love libraries; the endless amount of books is like a treasure chest full of opportunities. I love the smell of books, the quiet atmosphere, I love the weight of the books when I carry them home with me. Of course I ended up loaning a shitload of them, like these for example:
The last one is great. I don’t usually read any self-help books but this one seems like it was written just for me. I’m a constant worrier, have been since childhood. Seriously, I worry about everything, all the time. And basically the author is just trying to help you understand that there are no guarantees; anything can happen and you just have to live with that thought because you can’t control the universe.
Like there is a chance that our IVF cycle will fail. But there is also the chance it will succeed. And there’s no knowing beforehand how it’ll be, worrying and obsessing about it doesn’t make either option more likely. Of course my dear friend (or should I say my worst enemy, really) Mr. Google has already showed me the statistics for ivf-cycles in Finland. The success percent for a fresh cycle is around 30. So there is a good chance we will fall to the failure-category. But there is a better chance still for the success than with iuis. We already discussed what if this ivf will fail and decided we will take some time off from all this. No ttc, no doctors, no charting, no opks, no obsessing for a few months. We both feel we need a break from this if we will fail again. And our credit cards need one too.
Tomorrow is the last day of my holidays; I’m curious to go back to work and see how soon we’ll be resigned. And of course I haven’t figured out what I will do next. Hope for a jackpot in the lottery I guess. If it were possible I’d love to live on my artistic work; my aquatint & etchings, drawings and photography. Sadly, it doesn’t get bread on our table so I have just to figure out something else.
This is what I plan to do on 2009:
I know, these two sound a bit contradictory together. But I just have to work both of these things out during next year.
I have the most horrible hang over. That’s what you get for drinking until 6 AM. Me and DH are going to have a sober January and at least now it sounds like a brilliant idea.
I don’t know if you guys overseas cast tin on New Year’s Eve? I mean warming up a horseshoe made of tin on the stove and then when it turns liquid throwing it into water so it takes a shape and then you look at the shape’s shadow to see what the new year will bring you. It’s kind of a tradition here. And guess what my tin’s shadow looked like? Like a preggo woman (or a woman with big boobs from another angle)! I guess that means I’ll either get a baby or a boob job 
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