..on my part was going to see the Baz Luhrmann movie “Australia” today with DH. An old-fashioned, suberbly emotional, bombastic drama. Perfect for the moody, tearful infertile on the edge! What next, will I sign up as a volunteer to kindergarten so I can maximize my agony to the full? There should be a law against people as stupid as me.
Thanks again for all the supporting comments. Today (after the movie) was a little better. I’m hoping 2009 will be so much better in many ways and I can bury the shitty 2008 so deep I won’t ever have to look back to it again. Cheers to that! (I have 3 bottles of cheap italian sparkling wine for tomorrow. NO I’m not going to drink all of them by myself. Only half of it.)
It’s different this time. So much heavier on my heart. The kind of shit that makes you wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why is this all happening to us. Something I can’t just shrug off and say “this was just rehearsal; we’ll make it next time”. That mantra has kind of lost its power already.
Because this time I actually let myself believe for a second I might be pregnant. It was around 7dpo and I had funny small cramps I secretly wished were implantation. I actually visualized a small fetus inside my womb (yes I know that at that time it wouldn’t even look like a fetus!), how stupid of me.
We have the money for one round of IVF. If that fails, we’ll either have to go on the line for public hospital (the line is about 6 months and the quality of the treatment isn’t equal to our clinic), borrow again some more money from my parents or then just give up.
I’m so afraid that we will never succeed. Where can I find the courage for this?
What kind of a twisted, masochistic moron would pee on the hpt to see the obvious negative result on the morning of the day she’d be forced to meet all her husband’s relatives (and their children)? That, of course, would be ME.
The 150km driving there my neck and head hurt so bad for biting my teeth together swallowing my tears. The drive back home I couldn’t hold them anymore. I thought I was prepared for this but I guess the infertility always finds a way to punch you in the face and drain the blood from your heart. I’m so tired of all these disappointments.
I booked already the appointment for our IVF consultation. The first free appointment they had was on 14th January, because of the holidays. Seriously, are they celebrating Chinese new year at the clinic or something? I thought Christmas was over already.
We got our cat babies home again, the little ones have grown so much! They are practically huge
Christmas is over, we arrived home yesterday. I love my family but three nights is an absolute maximum I can spend at my parents’ home without going crazy. There’s nothing else to do there than eat, go to sauna (which was a bliss of course!) and watch telly. And we slept like 12 hours every night!
Here are some photos of the last few days:
In the morning of the Christmas eve we did a little trip to the forest
We made a fire and drank some glogg in the woods
Afterwards me and DH decorated the christmas tree
Our christmas dinner
The christmas tree in its full glory
My father as Santa
I'm trying out our new trekking cooker
Coffee
Zucchini pancakes
What comes to presents; I got almost everything I had wish for. A GPS to the car, new gloves, chocolate and a lot of things I haven’t asked for but was really glad to receive them; I especially loved the purple hoodie with red satin on the hood that my sister got me.
Almost all of my presents
And the gift I wanted the most? I guess not. SIGH. I’m 12DPO and I will poas the day after tomorrow. But so far no extraordinary symptoms that would get me holding my breath.
This is what the 2ww-fairy has got for me this time:
mild cramps
ovarian pain on both sides (every day since O, I guess an endo symptom)
mild back pain (really intense pain on 4DPO)
headaches
dizziness & nausea (from the progesterone)
pain & tingling feeling on my breasts. Can’t really explain it, they are not sore to touch or when I’m moving but sometimes they hurt on their own in a funny way. I guess I had this last month too from the progesterone.
We are having a sales at the jewelryshop! All prices are cut down to 10-60% from the original ones. And we do ship abroad
In a few hours I’ll be heading to my parents’ for three days, my sister and her hubby will join us too on Christmas day. There will be a lot of gluttony, I’m sure! And can’t wait what Santa has gotten me this year Have great holidays everyone!
We went to see a Swedish vampire film “Let the right one in (Låt den rätte komma in) on Saturday. A haunting experience I must say. Not the typical horror movie but something much more; the kind of film that stays in the back of your head for a long time.
Too bad there’s going to be an American version of it too (like all of the European/Japanese horror movies); I’m sure it’ll miss all the fundamental scandinavian atmosphere of the original film.
And while I’m shamelessly promoting scandinavian stuff; here’s an author I want to recommend: Johanna Sinisalo. She writes fantasy/sci-fi- influenced prose that’s actually closer to magic realism. I’m reading a short story collection of hers every morning and evening on my way to work and I love her style. Imaginative and captivating. And also she’s my personal hero as she’s hiked like a zillion kilometers all around the world.
One day left of work, then it’s holidays until 7th January! And maybe much longer too…
I feel like I’m in a exciting place like now; with our company obviously closing its doors I’m forced to find something else to do. And I kind of enjoy this kick in the ass; I’ve always loved surprise events that change your life (ok, not ALL of them). Needless to say, there’s one surprise in particular I would enjoy the most… I have no idea yet what will wait for me after the christmas holidays, we have been warned that we might get all laid off on 8th January but it’s not official yet. I haven’t applied for any new jobs yet but I managed to polish my cv and get my webpage up at last.
I started the web graphics project I was offered, it will continue in January. Had to drive 130 km though to the place and back on my own (this is a big deal for me) and since our car radio is broken I had nothing else for my entertainment than my own singing, and I can’t even stay in tune so that kind of sucked.
We had the company “christmas party” (funeral) with some of my workmates, it was basically me and 4 guys getting obnoxiously drunk and talking shit. A lot of fun !
Christmas is in few days and we have no snow I really do miss the winters of my childhood, nowadays it’s the same gray, rainy weather from October to March.
It’s 6DPO, nothing to see here. Same symptoms as always (back pain, cramps, ovarian twinges) so no expectations either. Btw I asked RE if progesterone can help with endo and she said no, so maybe my lack of pain last cycle was just good luck…
So it was, IUI#4 today. I had still peak positive OPK this morning and my temp was only 36.2C so we decided it wasn’t too late and made us an appointment. Everything was “suberb” again according to my RE; my lining (8.9mm), the timing, the sperm count (8 million) and motility (97% after the wash)… She said that’s there’s no reason we shouldn’t get pregnant. I just don’t believe in it anymore. The catheter hurt a little this time and in the afternoon I had some spotting. this has happened never before.
This time I ovulated from the left side, glad to see that side working too since 3 times in a row it was the right ovary popping the eggies! There was a big follicle on the right side too, but the one one the left was bigger and had already burst. I secretly wish that the right side will release an egg too, although I don’t know if that’s even possible.
After the iui I had an acupuncture appointment with a new acupuncturist; this time a Finnish old lady who looked like mrs. Santa Claus A symphatetic old hippie, I loved her! She’s also a gynecologist and specializes in treating infertility with acupuncture. The treatment she gave was super relaxing, I would like to see her again if I have money for that. It’s very uncertain will we receive our paychecks now after the bankruptcy…
The little gremlins are doing everything forbidden; hanging from the curtains, hanging from the laundry that’s drying, eating our plants and stealing our socks from the bedroom. So adorable
I got a positive OPK a minute ago. How great is that! Ha! Not peak positive but positive enough anyway. I guess it’ll be peak tomorrow morning. We’ll probably go in for iui on Monday then although I’m quite sure it’ll be too late. I’m so not surprised for this. Thanks again, universe.
Regarding my job, nobody seems to know anything. Sony is considering buying parts of our company but only in Sweden, Norway and Denmark. We’ll just wait for the bulldozers then. The way these news reached the employees is a whole another story. We had to google-translate Danish stock web pages to get the information about the bankruptcy. But something g0od; I got a phone call yesterday and was asked to do a small web graphic project. Felt like a god-send at that moment.
Yesterday evening with DH was great. We made a restaurant bill worth of a small apartment’s rent… I ate reindeer (sorry Rudolph!) and had a few vodkas too. I love that restaurant, even though it’s really pricey.
Tonight I’m home alone with the cats (who seem to get along better now), DH is in Pori with his band to shoot their promo pictures. I guess I’ll spend the evening polishing my cv and building up my portfolio site.
Ten years ago I wanted to become an artist; either painter or a photographer. I was sure I would become something big. I was also sure I would never want to become a mother or a wife, I was a strict feminist after all. I had dated a same guy for two years and would break up with him one and half years later, only to get back together after a year for two more years and get my heart beaten and broken really badly. I was the valedictorian of my class. I loved everything dark and gothic and was full of angst (could you believe from the pic!). But still underneath I was so full of hope and courage for the future.
Now ten years later, I’m neither painter nor photographer. I don’t consider myself an artist. I don’t have children but I’m married to the guy whom I met after my messy break-up from the high school sweetheart. I have no idea what so ever what I’ll become in the future as I’m in the process of losing my current job as a graphic designer. I don’t know what to do, whether to pursue a career in the advertising world or turn my life upside down and go to school again to study something completely different (and have no money while doing it). The hope and courage to become something have evaded me. The hopes to become a mother I had even a year ago seem to fade away too as we keep failing one cycle after another. IVF scares the hell out of me especially now; we only have the money for one round and if it fails what then, I’ll be infertile AND unemployed.
I wish I could summon some of the hope and courage I had ten years ago. I wish I could have some of the naivete and certainty that life will treat me well in the future. But unfortunately the ten years between me and the girl in the picture have taught me that it’s impossible to scriptwrite your life; some times the universe has other plans than you do.
I really do miss the winters of my childhood, nowadays it’s the same gray, rainy weather from October to March.
