The imperfect Eve

The imperfect Eve (etching + aqua tinta)

Voilá my latest work. Although I usually prefer to leave the joy of interpretation to the viewer, I’d like to say a few words about this one. I was first a little disappointed with the way her skin turned out after the erosion process. I didn’t mean to put those scratches on her skin, they are the result of the marks of the marker pen I used during the work.

After looking at the work for some time I started to think that they certainly need to be there. This work was meant to be a presentation of fertility. A fertility goddess you could say. She was supposed to look perfect. And she became something else. The goddess for all infertile women. She’s covered in scars but it really doesn’t matter to her as she has succeeded finally. I too have my scars already from this process but I have still hope that someday my scars won’t matter anymore either.

Towards IUI #2

Tested a BFN this morning. I didn’t honestly believe that there would be two lines. A couple of hours later dear AF arrived. I feel ok about this, as I saw it coming already a week ago.

Now two more weeks and then the next IUI ! I don’t want to wait because as an endo-patient after laparoscopy your best opportunities to conceive are some 6 months post surgery. I got the bill for the first IUI yesterday on mail and was positively surprised; it was much less than I expected, 176 euros. DH already paid his part which was some 90 euros so 266e in total. What I don’t understand is the fact that dildocam-treatment is the most expensive part of all this; 124 euros. The IUI itself was marked worth of  21 euros.

The first round was rehearsal, now we are moving towards the real round! I’m not gonna give up and lose my hope yet.

A better day

Yesterday’s hormonal storm seems to be calming down. Luckily. I hate those days when I feel like a bag of emotional toxic waste and can’t control my feelings at all. Like yesterday while riding the bus to my graphic’s class, I had to fight with all my mental power the tears not to come. And I want to apologize to that trainee at Subway’s, I’m sorry I snapped at you because you tried to put tomatoes on my chicken teriaki sandwich when I had told you I didn’t want any. But that’s what infertile pms-bitches are like. Last two cycles were much better regarding the mood swings. Last month I didn’t have any of this shit.

I still have the cramps and I’m just waiting for AF to arrive but I’m feeling much better mentally. Ok, we didn’t succeed on the first round but we’ll move on to the next one. And maybe with some hormonal enhancements this time. I think the problem might be with implantation (either that or the fertilization), because I’m sure the ovulation part is working fine. So I’ll ask the doc could we add progesteron to the game since it should help the implantation process.

Yesterday’s graphic’s class was so therapeutic. Just what I needed; during those three hours I didn’t think about ttc for a second. I’ll post my new work as soon as I get it scanned!

I’m so glad it’s friday today and I have the weekend ahead of me. Today I’ll go see The other Boleyn girl with my cousin after work. It’s her first time out on her own after her son (my goodson) was born in April. Tomorrow one of our friends has a graduation party and I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun ! And we’ll also continue the filming of our horror movie tomorrow morning.

What comes to my endo-diet, I’ve slipped quite badly during the last few weeks. We’ve got a video rental place next to our workplace and you can buy candy pick’n'mix styled there. Needless to say, I’m a regular customer. Now that I started to think about it, maybe bringing chocolate back as a regular to my diet is causing the moodswings! Could it be?

And I’ll POAS tomorrow morning if AF hasn’t arrived before it. Just to make sure I can have my ciders with a peaceful mind.

Have a good weekend everyone, I’m gonna enjoy mine !

There will be blood

I feel like shit at the moment. Like a complete failure. What the fuck is wrong with my body? All hormones should be ok, I’m supposedly ovulating normally, DH’s swimmers responded well to the treatment and we should have all the odds on our side. AND STILL NOTHING HAPPENS.

Heavy cramps, hellish tearful moodswings, feeling like this will never go right. AF surely tomorrow, thanks a lot bitch.

This country is going straight down the toilet

We had another school shooting today. Only 10 months after the previous one. I used to think I was living in a nice, safe country where’s little to fear. But it seems that people here are turning crazy and you can’t escape the crazyness anywhere. Especially young guys are turning into lunatics. The last year’s school killer was a 18-years old guy, today’s was 22.  About a month ago a 18-year old guy stabbed a 14-year old girl to death on a basketball court. They didn’t even know each other. Some years ago in the metro a mentally ill stranger hit a young guy lethaly in the head with an axe. This turns my stomach.

What’s wrong with the world?

No high hopes left

It’s CD21, 7DPO. I have ALL the usual pms/endo symptoms. The back pain, the cramps, the mood swings. And no EPS. So I really don’t believe any more that this first IUI was a success. At times I feel quite devastated, although I know it’s rare to succeed in your fist IUI. If AF doesn’t arrive before Saturday, I promise to POAS. But at the moment I’m sure there won’t be need for that. I fucking hate this.

And another boring work week ahead of me.

Big Brother babies and toxic thoughts

The fourth season of Finnish Big Brother started a couple of weeks ago. DH worked as a cameraman on the first season so I got to know all the gossip before they showed it on telly. Now I have to read it on internet from the boards where people with the cable subscription share what’s going on. On Sunday’s live show one of the contestants got to learn that his girlfriend is pregnant. She was suddenly standing outside the window and holding signs that word by word told him the news. The guy was so touching, he could hardly breath because he was so happy. I was of course in tears while wathcing this as I’m a real sucker for all emotional tv crap.

On last season’s BB one of the girls in the house learned she was pregnant (after several months of ttc’ing) after a few weeks of the show. What possess someone ttc’ing to enter the BB house is a mystery to me. We are still waiting for our Finnish BB baby to be born in the house or one of the contestants to conceive while staying in the BB house. (Looking at the current, free-spirited and mainly single contestants in their early 20’s and the amount of drunken kissing/snuggling/groping I could see that happening too.)

Okay, BB is not ALL I watch on telly. On Monday there was an interesting document about the general sperm quality and how it is radically getting worse thanks to all the toxins we are surrounded by. These toxins are basically everywhere; in the things we touch every day (different plastics), the food we eat (agricultural toxins), the air we breath (pollution). Quite alarming actually. What if our problems to conceive are partly a result of this? Will couples have even more and more infertility problems in the future?  I have to admit though that I didn’t watch the whole document because my favourite Finnish soap opera started on different channel at the same time.

I have a big bruise on my right knee thanks to Sunday’s kickboxing workout and several small ones after yesterday’s. I love the sport. Especially when we have free sparring and I get a guy twice my age as my partner and he looks down on me just to have his ass kicked in a few minutes. Ha-ha ! I know that if I’d get those magic two lines I’d had to stop this sport immediately since it involves so much contact. Ok I guess I could handle that Funny thing is, that me and my friend are now the only girls in the beginners’ course although there were like 10 of us when we started. Now it’s just a bunch of big guys and us.

Next weekend one of my cousins is getting married and I’m again the designated photographer. I’m really looking forward to seeing many of my relatives as it’s going to be a bigger wedding than my sister’s. Too bad that me and DH will be the only ones representing our family since my sister’s husband is working and my parents are going abroad for a holiday. But knowing my relatives it’s going to be a good party! I’ll just have to pretend to drink my wine so I will dodge all the questions. In Finland you are either a)pregnant b)really religious if you don’t drink and not drinking always means you have to explain it to others. Drinking heavily is somewhat our national sport… Yep, not a very smart one.

It’s CD16, 2DPO. No symptoms really, just the same cramps and back pain I had during ovulation but quite mild today.

IUI accomplished!

Didn’t get much sleep last night as I was worrying whether today would be too late or not. I called the clinic on the minute they opened and made an appointment for the IUI at 1.15PM. DH had left a bit earlier to the clinic to release his swimmers, only to be called back once he was in downtown since I learned on the phone with the nurse that it would be better to give his sample later.

A couple of hours later DH left to the clinic as I sat home anxiously. Apparantely he’d been quite anxious too so getting his sample took longer than usual. A little later I left to downtown too and we went to the clinic together. We waited for our appointment and told each other stupid jokes and laughed hysterically. We both have a really nasty sense of humor and that’s probably one of the reasons we are together.

Our doc went straight to the business, I got my pants off and a minute later the swimmers had been inserted. Painless and fast (I wish I could say cheap too…)! Looking at the u/s doc told that our timing “couldn’t have been better” and I was so relieved to hear that since I worried the whole weekend about this. She also told that DH’s swimmers responded very well to the treatment and that now 85% of them were fast swimmers.

So according to our doctor we have really good odds in succeeding! I know that this was only the first step; now we’d need those swimmers to fertilize my egg and that egg to implant and stay on board. Since my bloodwork was normal and the uterian lining looked thick enough doc said that she doesn’t want to put me on any hormones. We’ll just rely on mother nature on the rest of the cycle. I truly hope she’ll be on our side.

Now I just need something to distract me for the following 12 days (my usual luteal phase) so I won’t obsess with this! I’ve made a deal with myself not to do any bbt charting for the rest of the cycle and only POAS if AF is late for real.

But all in all,  I’m so excited !

Staying positive

Ok, still strong positive OPK at 2PM today (CD13). I guess that is a good sign. Tomorrow morning DH will go to the clinic at 8AM to release his swimmers and I’ll get an appointment later that day for the IUI. Now all thumbs and toes up that the eggie will be still around that time!

We’ve already shot 6 scenes of our movie, and plan to do some more later this evening. I love our crazy projects. Now I’m off to some kicking and boxing !

Positive!!!

Fuuuuuck! I did a new OPK at 5PM this afternoon and it turned out positive. I feel like I’m running against the clock. I know that the LH surge can last long and mine usually lasts at least one day, but will Monday be too late regarding ovulation? Please dear egg, stay where you are!